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I get up to get more coffee, reminding myself once again to buy a coffee thermos to fill and take to the patio with me. I drink fast and I love sitting out there every morning and every morning when I have to get up and get more coffee every 30 seconds, I say I’m going to order a thermos. I could also maybe set up a coffee station with the outdoor kitchen I’m planning to put in.
I top off my mug and grab the half-and-half from the fridge. Taking a sip before I even leave the room I spot Rowan’s leather messenger bag on the kitchen island. A notebook has slid partway out of it and some papers have slid part way out of the notebook. Sketches. I can see sketches. I glance outside where he is still staring off at the lake.
I tug on the papers and they slide out enough for me to see…. my outdoor kitchen. I look Rowan’s way again. I pull it out completely. Never mind, I am invading my brother’s privacy. This is beautiful and exactly what I had in my head. But it isn’t just the sketches of the patio and the kitchen that catch my eye. All around the edge of the paper are doodles of dragons and birds. They’re beautiful. I gently lift the paper to see the second sheet. Another sketch, this time of the interior of a building and in the bottom corner…. Madison.
I look up at the movement in the doorway.
He shrugs his shoulders at me. “Uh, yeah, I want to talk to you about something.”
So grateful he isn’t pissed at me, I push everything back where it belongs.
“Do you mind if I delay school another semester?”
And that seems out of the blue. I have no reason to object. I’d like him to go to school. I don’t want him lost and without direction, especially with the season gearing up and me not being around.
“I’m not sure what I want to study. I mean, I sort of know.” He tips his head to his artwork. “But I’m not sure where I want to take that and I feel like I’m able to breathe for the first time in years and…I need to just keep breathing.”
He worries his lips and looks at me hopefully. I nod.
“Does that make sense?”
“More than you know.”
I point to his sketchbook. “Is this something you are thinking about?”
He nods. “Yeah…I was wondering…well, could you introduce me to Carter?”
I smile.
“Do you think he’d be willing to talk to me about his work?”
“Of course. I’m sure he would love to.”
Rowan stares at his messenger bag, but his focus isn’t on that. He wants to say something else.
“I told Mom I’m gay.” He blurts out. “When dad was having a fit about the photos of you…that ice cream trip…she seemed to already suspect, and I told her and she was…” His thoughts drift away and he looks across the room at nothing. After a few quiet moments, he turns his attention to me. “She was happy. Happy that I told her. She told me not to tell dad, but to turn to you. She said she always felt I would have you and she wanted me to not waste anymore of my life on her when she finally died. She wanted me to live my life.”
I smile.
“So here I am,” he says. “And you need to do the same.”
I furrow my brow. “I am.”
“You aren’t. If it all ended tomorrow, what would you regret?”
I scowl at him. When did he get so fucking smart? It took weeks, but by now I’ve stopped checking my phone for texts, checking Nandy’s Instagram for updates—there aren’t any. Stopped considering texting Fynn or Nandy’s parents. I stopped wondering if he is thinking about me, at least every minute. The burning in my heart has been snuffed out to a small, occasional sting.
I get through most days without letting thoughts of them land in my head. Nights are more difficult. Having Rowan with me helps a lot. Helps my focus. Rowan and hockey. That’s all I need.
“Has he been here?” Rowan asks. “Either of them, has either of them been to Denver? Been on your turf?”
I shake my head.
“Then go get them. Bring them here. Let them see your life. Be part of your life here and see what happens.”
I shrug. “Rowan, they are done with me. It isn’t a matter of the distance, the different cities. Nandy doesn’t want me. Besides. I just upended your life and brought you here. I don’t need to add to the chaos. I want you to relax and be happy.”
“I am,” he says. “I’m getting there. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. That’s why I don’t want to start school yet. I’m still learning to breathe again. Learning who I am. You aren’t allowed to use me as an excuse to avoid living your own life. So I ask again…what would you regret? Trying one more time to have them in your life. Or staying silent and going to bed alone with them on your mind every night? What’s the worst that can happen? They turn you down, tell you it really is over. That would suck, but then you know you tried. You did everything you could and it ends with them knowing how you feel.
