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And sexy as hell.
Wow. I haven’t let that image of him into my head in a very long time. That was before my world was upended. Before I had reasons to hate Carter. So many reasons to hate Carter. Did I actually like him then? I can’t remember. I don’t remember ever feeling anything but a deep loathing for Carter. I barely remember the days while Luke was still alive at all anymore. Everything is lost in the impenetrable fog of what became my life the day I found him dead.
“The three of us worked on a class project together early that year… Carter, Luke and I… and my gaydar… well… I just felt it,” I shrug. “But I didn’t care how he hid it. He didn’t matter to me.”
“Until…”
I nod. “Until.”
“We felt like we were in the midst of a huge shitstorm, when in reality it was probably very contained to our little group. Two weeks after they outed Luke, his family disowned him… started talking conversion therapy or else they would stop paying for school…”
“Shit,” Levi mumbles.
“I was a fucking kid. I had no idea how to handle any of it. I didn’t want to be out. My family knew… but that was it. They understood what could happen… it wasn’t just about appearances and hockey… it wasn’t safe…”
The words were about to get a lot harder to spit out. The very hard truth is that I was as complicit in this as Carter. I stand back up and move farther away from Levi. The next part of the story is the most vivid -- and the hardest part to get out.
“I found him,” I can barely choke it out. Tears are falling now, and I no longer care if Levi sees them.
“Oh, my God.” He stands and reaches for me, but I pull away just enough to deflect his attempt at comfort. I shake my head. I don’t want comfort. I don’t deserve comfort.
“He missed a class. He never missed classes,” that’s all I can manage to say. Levi doesn’t need details. He doesn’t need the picture in my head of my boyfriend in bed surrounded by pill bottles, unresponsive.
“Fuck, Davey, I am so…”
“Carter came to the damn funeral. We both stood hiding in the damn trees. A pair of fucking cowards. After that, he transferred to school back east, and I played hockey like my life depended on it.”
“Brady doesn’t know any of this?”
I shake my head. “Even when we started working together in Arizona, I never felt like he needed to know about the connection. I honestly, stupidly, never thought Carter and I would cross paths again. I thought for sure we could keep our distance from each other… until Casey’s funeral… and then… well, here we are.” Shit, I wait for the mention of Casey’s funeral to lead to more questions. But I’ve unloaded enough info for him to process. He either doesn’t catch it or doesn’t feel the need to press further.
Silence fills the room.
“He needs to know.”
Hearing Levi say out loud what I’ve spent so many years in fear of sends a sharp pain straight to my chest. “I know, but please,” I plead with him. “I’m not ready to lose my best friend…”
“Why do you think you’re going to lose him?”
“Because Carter is family and I’m—”
“Family too,” Levi interrupts.
I look at Levi. He stares back at me with those warm brown eyes.
“Davis,” he winks. “You are family too.”
I stare back, not even pissed at him for using my real name. I grin. I can’t help it. I sniffle a bit and wipe my nose on my sleeve, seeing the blood on my shirt as if for the first time. So caught up in these painful memories, I’d forgotten all about the fight.
“Have you talked to anyone about this? Like a therapist.”
I shrug. “I’ve been in and out of therapy.”
“Currently?”
“Out.”
“Do you think maybe it’s time to get back in?”
