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That’s a sin I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her for. The worst part is that she doesn’t even realize she’s done it.
Or maybe she does.
“Then why did you come here,” she snipes at me.
When I look at Mom this time, I really look at her—more than I’ve allowed myself to in the last few years. She looks tired and older than she probably should, but there’s this rage within her that I don’t understand. She never moved on from Dad as far as I can tell. She never fully grieved him. She never let go.
It’s fucking sad, honestly.
“I’m here to talk about my future.”
Mom throws her head back and cackles. Yes, cackles. “Your future?” There’s a curl to her lip that makes her look this side of unhinged. I almost want to take a step back, but I don’t. I’m not sure where my mom went, but it’s hard to find her in the woman standing in front of me. “Your future of being only good enough to break your back out on that rig? Or your future of mixing it up with the criminals of that club,” the word is spat. Again.
I clench my jaw before the words woosh out of me, “What the fuck?”
I’ve seen contempt on my mother’s face before, but this is a whole new level. Then something shifts and I swear she looks almost gleeful.
“You owe this family and you’re going to continue to take care of it. It’s your responsibility,” she points out like it’s the most natural thing in the world to say to her son.
It’s almost exactly the same thing she’s said to me throughout the years whenever I started to really take a look at my life and want something different, something more. I did feel responsible for my family, especially the girls.
She used that against me. She manipulated me.
I knew it was true, honestly I did, but the clarity of this moment, of needing so much more than my life has been filled with, of wanting a life with Emery, brings everything that she’s been using against me crashing down around us. Yes, my family is my responsibility.
“I can’t even think of the last time you were really family to me,” I snarl the words and she looks taken aback for a split second before she masks the reaction behind cold indifference.
“You’ll be harming your sisters,” she gives the threat with her head held high and a haughty as fuck expression on her face.
“I’ll take care of the girls. I have no problem with that. What I won’t do any longer is support you. Not when the club could have done that for the last ten years without me needing to put my life and body on the line. Without me missing so much,” rage is infused into my words.
“Those bastards won’t be doing anything for me or my girls,” she seethes.
I can only shake my head, wondering how the fuck we got here while knowing all the same. She was never the typical old lady, not when compared to Cherise and some of the old ladies the old timers have. I don’t know if it’s just part of who she is or if she never really trusted the club.
Honestly, I’m not sure it matters.
What I know for certain is that in the wake of Dad’s death, she was more than happy to heap the blame at the feet of the club and then turn the hate she has for them onto me.
Her own son.
“You should be ashamed of yourself. For everything you stole from me and how you used my grief to do it. I won’t allow it any longer,” it’s a vow wrapped up in words of steel that ring through the quiet of the room. “I will never turn my back on the girls, but I’m done living my life by your edicts. I’ve done it far too long.”
She scoffs, but I can see the wheels turning. She’s looking for an in, a chink in my armor. She won’t find one.
“I’m done breaking my back for some twisted hate that you’re harboring. It’s time for me to live my dreams.”
“Your dreams will never get you anywhere,” she says the words, but they sound like a lie—filled with weakness and uncertainty.
I shrug one shoulder and turn to leave. I don’t look back as I tell her, “Maybe not, but I’d rather try than continue living my life for you because you’ve been more than happy to use me instead of love me. That’s not what a mother does, but it is what a selfish, sad person does. I feel sorry for you.”
When I step out of the house, knowing that I’ve done the right thing, the sun shining down on me feels like a cleansing. There’s only one place I want to go, and it doesn’t take me long to get there.
I had Hacker get me Emery’s address. Fuck, I should have had him track down her phone number months ago, but I didn’t. That’s on me and no one else.
When I pound on her door, I hope I’m not fucking up by showing up and that she’s home. I’m about to turn away and head to the shop she works at when the door swings open. Her dark eyes are wide and filled with curiosity when she looks at me.
I have no idea what she sees on my face, but she’s wrapping me up in her arms without a word passing between us. I haul her against my chest and soak up her strength and her care.
