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Garin sighed and rubbed his thumb over Sazahk’s cheekbones. “Yeah, I think you’re right, but…I still wish I could have been there for you.”
Sazahk wrapped two tentacles around Garin’s wrists and gently pulled his hands from his face. “The sentiment is appreciated.”
But did nothing for Sazahk.
It was right that Garin had gone after Dom.
Just like it was right that he would take the job offer from Alistair Turner.
Sazahk silently killed the opportunity for Garin to join Squad M. Garin was finally free of the anxiety over his mother’s medication. Sazahk didn’t want him to pick up that burden again. And he remembered Garin telling him of past lovers who had wanted to be prioritized above his family. Sazahk resolved without hesitation not to make the same mistake. He valued and respected Garin too much to hoard him and, in so doing, ruin one of the things that made him so special.
It was a horrible no-win situation, though. Garin’s love for his family was an attractive quality that, among other things, made him deserving of love himself, but also made it impossible to give it to him. It didn’t sit well with Sazahk, but maybe that was because Sazahk had little experience with either familial or romantic love. Maybe it made sense to someone more qualified. Maybe the predicament was even solvable by someone more worthy.
“Saz—”
“I’m pleased you’ve found a solution for financing your mother’s medications.” Sazahk forced yellow onto his cheeks as he stepped back, and Garin’s face fell.
“I…yeah. Yeah, I’m incredibly relieved.” Garin’s tone didn’t sound relieved as he dropped his hands into his lap.
“She seems lovely. Your whole family, of course, seems lovely, but I suppose I was primed to feel positively about them given their association with you and my feelings for—” Sazahk caught himself “—our time together in the Dead Zone and the emotional echoes of our activities and my satisfaction with the research we obtained.”
Garin opened his mouth, but it took a few seconds for him to reply. When he did, his tone was easy, but his face shuttered. “Right. But still, I’m glad you liked them.”
Sazahk wanted to kick himself. Goddess take him. How could he talk so much and never say the right thing? He shook his head and re-closed the distance between them. “No, I’m sorry, that was disingenuous of me.”
“What was?” Garin leaned back, his face neutral, but Sazahk saw the hurt in his eyes.
“What I should have said was that I was primed to feel positively about them because of my feelings for you.” Sazahk gripped the sheets on the side of Garin’s bed with as much force as he could generate, grounding himself and forcing the words out. “I think you’re wonderful.” Not specific enough. “You’re intelligent and kind and nurturing in a way that I’ve never encountered and that I find makes me feel better about myself than I’ve ever felt, and it draws me to you and I’m incredibly grateful to have spent the time with you that I did.”
Sazahk released a deep breath. That. That was accurate and complete information that Garin deserved to know, and a weight lifted from Sazahk’s chest now that he’d shared it.
Garin stared at him, a blush climbing up his neck. It took a whole three seconds for him to blink and clear his throat and raise a hand to the back of his head as he looked away. “Shit, Sazahk, you’ve got a way with words.”
“A poor one that involves too many of them.” Sazahk wished he had Bar’in’s ability to read people.
“No,” Garin laughed awkwardly. “No, I wouldn’t say that.” He met Sazahk’s eyes. “Sazahk, you’ve got to know I feel the same about you. And then some.”
“No, I don’t know that.” Sazahk shook his head. He knew nothing at all about how Garin felt. He only barely understood how he himself felt.
“Well, I do.” Garin grinned, his lower lip still caught between his white teeth. “You’re something else. Something really fucking special.”
Warmth filled Sazahk’s chest. He was something else. He knew that. He’d always been the most outlandish person in the room. But Garin made him feel good about it.
They stared at each other, Sazahk’s hand on the bed a few inches from Garin’s.
Right.
Well.
Sazahk had said the words. That was it, right?
He wasn’t going to offer a relationship, not now that Garin was preoccupied with more important things.
So he should leave.
Except, Garin’s eyes were still on him and while Garin would leave soon, he hadn’t gone yet and there was one other thing Sazahk had regretted.
Sazahk squared his shoulders and swallowed his nerves. “You’ve previously exhibited an interest in kissing me.”
