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“Sorry, Mom. It's complicated.”
“What's complicated? Either you're with her or you're not.”
Theoretically, she's right…but in practice, it really is a little more complicated than that.
I launch into the story from the beginning. “When we first got together, I didn't realize who she was. I guess she had some unrequited childhood crush and didn't know how to come clean with who she really was. We had a great connection, and then I found out a week later that she had kept the truth about who she was from me. Around the same time, I had to come up with some explanation since Beckett saw some photos of us kissing after he specifically asked me to watch out for his little sister. She suggested we tell him that it was a fake relationship. The lie seemed better than having him feel like I betrayed him even though I didn’t do it knowingly. Eventually, I got around to forgiving her for keeping that secret, and I started to fall for her. I'm pretty sure she fell for me too, and things were going well until I uncovered another secret. But this time…it just triggered that flight response in me. I saw what these secrets did to your marriage. I can’t be in the kind of relationship that was doomed to fail from the start because of secrets. Not after I watched you and Dad fall apart.”
“Oh, honey. Baby.” She sighs. “I’ll admit, I was hurt by some of the things your father was keeping from me, but just because the end was rough doesn't mean I would trade in the first forty years we spent together. Well, maybe except for the last couple.” She chuckles a little at the end, and that little laugh there tells me that she’s okay. She’s fine. She lived through it, and she emerged on the other side. Laughing.
“You really wouldn't trade it in? You wouldn't do it over if you could?” I ask, and I hear the begging sound in my own voice.
“No. And I was never quite as sure about that as I was when we were together as a family in Jolene's hospital room and I held my first grandbaby. I sat there, and this realization plowed into me that as hard as it was in the end, this is what we created. We created this beautiful family of four boys, this new generation. Things weren’t always perfect, and maybe we messed you guys up. But if I traded those hard years with your dad to make it all easy, then I wouldn’t have the four of you. I wouldn’t have my first grandbaby. There were thirty-eight mostly good years before the last two, but honey…that’s life. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s sad. But sometimes it’s beautiful and lovely and happy.”
She pauses for a beat as I process her words, and before I get the chance to say anything, she adds, “I really want you to think long and hard about whether whatever secrets are between you two are so bad that you'd give up even one more minute of the delirious happiness I saw when you were with her. Maybe you told Beck you were faking it, but you can’t fake those genuine smiles I saw on both of you.”
I blow out a breath. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Promise me. Because I have to tell you, honey, the pain was worth it for the happiness I had for a long time. And she’s worth it, too.”
I clear my throat of the sudden clog of emotion that seems to gather there. “Fine. I promise.”
“Okay. I love you, baby. Forever.”
“I love you forever too, Mom,” I mutter just as Patrick walks back into the room.
We say our goodbyes, and Patrick glances over at me. “That was your mom?”
I nod.
“Heard she’s single.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I warn.
“Yeah…probably not a smart plan to hook up with Coach’s mom, anyway.” He smirks at me.
“You know I can kick your ass, right?”
“Pfft. In your dreams, maybe.” He shrugs, and while the exchange is meant in good fun, I’m not feeling very fun after that conversation.
Not after my mom issued so many points for me to ponder.
Is she right?
Were we really that happy together?
Am I giving up things I never even knew I wanted because I’m scared?
Yes. Only, I’m not scared. I’m fucking terrified, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to battle against those fears to find my way back home to her.
Chapter 55: Ava Maxwell
Eventually They Come Crawling Back
He's coming home today. It's the moment I've been simultaneously dreading and anticipating for two long weeks.
We haven't spoken since he essentially ended things between us before he left. I've thrown myself into work over the last two weeks.
Because when I'm not working, I’m crying or dwelling on what I've lost.
