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Or, not completely restless, I suppose.
I fell asleep crying, and I woke with a nightmare at some point. I never fell back asleep after that.
When I open the bedroom door before my shower with the hope of running into him, I find suitcases with all my hanger clothes stacked on top of them just outside the door.
Does this mean he still wants me to move in with him? Or was he simply emptying out his car?
I head down to the kitchen and find him there.
He’s grabbing something from the fridge and wearing his workout gear, and I can’t help as my eyes dart to his calves.
Damn, he’s in good shape.
I force that thought to the back of my mind. “Morning,” I say quietly.
He spins around at the sound of my voice. “Hey,” he grunts.
“Can we talk?” I ask.
“I need to get to the gym.”
“Thanks for all my stuff.”
“You’re welcome.” His words are stilted and cold.
I press my lips together. “Are you okay?” It’s not what I want to ask. Are we okay seems like the more appropriate question.
“No.”
“Because of the box of tests that aren’t even mine?”
He shakes his head, and he moves to walk past me. “I said I need to get to the gym.”
“You’re just going to walk away? After everything we’ve been through? Grayson, I love you. That has to count for something.” I’m begging, and my voice is desperate, but I guess when you’re pushed up against a wall, you’ll do whatever it takes to hold onto the one you love.
He slams his Gatorade on the counter. “It’s not the fucking box, Ava. It’s what that box means. When was the last time you were at that house?”
I lift a shoulder. “I don’t know. A couple weeks?”
“Exactly. So you’ve been thinking about this…this…this thing for a couple weeks all by yourself when you could’ve talked to me about it. It’s a thing that affects me, too, deeply, but you chose not to say anything. And that’s…that’s just bullshit.” He shakes his head. “Secrets tore my parents’ marriage apart, and that’s why I had a hard time at first with the ones you kept from me. Okay? And seeing that box there…yeah. I jumped to conclusions. My first thought was that you were lying to me. That you were keeping something from me. You know what that tells me?”
He stares at me for just a beat that isn’t long enough for me to respond.
“It tells me that I don’t fully trust you.” He sighs. “And you know what? I don’t know if I fully trust anybody. Maybe this is a me problem. I need to work it out. But I have a season coming up with a new team, and I have to prepare for it. I can’t have all these distractions when I need to focus. I have shit to do, and worrying about what secrets and lies you’re keeping from me next isn’t on that list.”
He grabs his Gatorade and storms out of the room as I stand staring after him, and I hear the door slam to signify that he just left.
If the worst possible thing for him was more secrets even though I still don’t feel like I was actually keeping one, the worst thing for me is that feeling of abandonment.
Of course he left.
He was always meant to.
He admitted he fucks up everything good, and I’m so leave-able that he decided to run at the first sign of trouble when it wasn’t even actual trouble.
I fall to the floor in a heap as I start to cry.
Eventually, I pick myself up because I have to. I have a full schedule today, but also…I will find a way to fix this. I have to. He’s worth it. We are worth it. He’s just angry right now, and he’s trying to focus on the season, and the only version of him I’ve ever known in season was back in high school. The stakes weren’t very high back then, and I was too young to care about the game.
