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“I’m not sure.”
The hair standing on the back of my neck is joined by the rest of my hair everywhere. My fists clench, my jaw, too. My mind goes somewhere dark — is Rafael trying to strike back at us from prison? The DEA rolled up his drug organization like a fucking cheap rug, thanks to the information we gave; the Crimson Fury broke apart, thanks to the infighting that arose in the wake of Rafael’s capture and Mateo’s death, as the members with actual backbones and senses of decency chased out anyone that was loyal to Rafael. Still, it wouldn’t shock me, even now, if Rafael were to try something desperate. Some last fuck you to the people responsible for causing his shitty empire to crumble into dirt.
“You hurt?”
“Uh, no. No, not hurt.”
“What is it?”
“You need to see this.”
“Look, I’m not coming in there to see how big of a—”
“It’s not that. Ew, gross.”
I pause. Why else would she be calling me into the bathroom to see something?
“Then what is it?”
“I peed on something and you need to see it.”
I pause, thinking. “Is it a distance thing? Were you sniping? Because I can appreciate that.”
“Sniping? What do you mean?”
“It’s where you pick a far away target, you aim, and you fire.”
“I wish I could snipe like that. You men are so lucky — to be able to write in the snow, cross the streams, stuff like that. But it’s not that. Just come in here and look.”
"If you’re calling me in there to look at something you peed on, and it isn’t a sniping thing, then I’m going to get a mop first. I don’t see why you sound so upset, though. Accidents happen. Fuck, I’ve pissed in a sink from time to time when I’ve had too many, and—”
“Please stop talking about peeing in the sink, which is something that I really don’t need or want to know about, considering we share a sink. Just come in here, OK?”
I cut my ramble short and push against the bathroom door, its hinges seeming to groan in the tense silence that has fallen over us. As it swings open, Alexandra stands there, a look of contained chaos on her face, clutching one of those plastic sticks I've only ever seen on TV commercials and in the aisles of drug stores.
“What is it?”
Her eyes meet mine, and they're big, round saucers filled with swirling emotions. She holds the stick out towards me like a crucifix to a vampire. Part of me realizes what this is and what it means, and it sends my heart into hopeful overdrive, while the rest of me — the part of me that’s lived in such pain and darkness for so long and believes that men like me don’t deserve hope or love or new beginnings — struggles against the reality that I see in front of me.
"I... woke up feeling sick, and then I had a suspicion, and then I… well, Dixon, look," she says, her voice trembling like leaves in a gentle wind. “I peed on it, and it did this.”
I take the plastic stick from her hand — it’s the Hey baby, hey baby, hey brand by Gwen Stefani — and I take half a second to register what it is: a pregnancy test. But it isn't the piece of plastic that's got me immobile, it's the two lines. A double stripe declaration that things are about to change again.
"Is this..." My voice trails off as I struggle to find the words, as if they've been sucked out of the room along with all the air. “Did you…?”
"Yes," Alexandra whispers. "I'm pregnant."
The world stops spinning for a moment.
I can hear my heartbeat thumping in my ears like the distant roar of motorcycles on an open highway. This isn't terror or excitement; it's both — mixed in a potent cocktail that leaves me dizzy and grinning like a lunatic.
Pregnant. We're going to be parents.
Alexandra's gaze searches mine, looking for answers to questions neither of us has dared to ask out loud.
"How do you feel about this?" Her voice is barely above a whisper. There’s a flicker of a smile and curious hope gleaming in her eyes.
I set the stick down on the sink counter as if it were made of glass and might shatter at any moment. Then, I feel something expand in my chest — it forces my lips wide in a grin and every other thought, every vestige of regret, of pain, of trauma, is all pushed aside in the face of one beautiful truth. A laugh follows my grin, and then I kiss her with every ounce of strength in my soul.
