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Oliver's breath hitched audibly. "I'm fucking afraid," he admitted, his voice raw. "Is that what you want to hear?"
I turned to face him, tears blurring my vision. "Don't you think I am too?"
He ran a hand through his hair, his composure crumbling. "I can't go through this again. Once was bad enough, but twice?"
"Tell me what happened with Lara," I pressed, sensing we were on the brink of something crucial.
Oliver's shoulders sagged as if under an invisible weight. "She can't have children again. It was my fault. We had an argument."
I shook my head, confused. "That wouldn't cause her to miscarry."
"I stressed her out," he insisted, pacing the room. "She wanted so much more than I was willing to give her. Maybe in time I could've, but not then."
"It wasn't your fault," I said softly, taking a step towards him.
Oliver's eyes met mine, filled with a pain so deep it took my breath away. "It was, and I'll carry that for the rest of my life. Now I have the loss of our son in my head. I can't go through another lost child. It hurts too much."
"You can't stop nature," I reminded him gently. "The doctor said this happens to women of all ages and at all times."
He nodded, swallowing hard. "I'm sorry. I've been thinking of getting a vasectomy."
The words hit me like a physical blow. My mouth dropped open in shock. "Are you out of your mind? I want children. How can you do something like this without speaking to me?"
"Because it's my choice," Oliver said, his voice hardening again. "You can get out if you like."
A chill ran down my spine. "Get out how?"
"Divorce," he said flatly. "I'll give you a divorce and a decent settlement so you can start over."
Rage and despair warred within me. I grabbed a handful of underwear from the drawer and hurled it at him. "You can't just push me away, Oliver," I cried, my voice rising. "You just can't. I won't let you."
Oliver's face was a mask of determination and sorrow. "You have no choice. I've made up my mind. I'm sorry."
As we stood there, the air between us electric with pain and unspoken words, I realized we were standing on a precipice. One wrong move and everything we'd built together could come crashing down. But as I looked into Oliver's eyes, I saw a flicker of something – fear, yes, but also a desperate need for connection. In that moment, I knew I had a choice: I could walk away, or I could fight for us with everything I had.
Chapter 23
Three Months Later
My life is vastly different than it was when I was with Oliver. We just couldn’t make it because he didn’t want to try again. His heart was shredded by the loss of our son. Mine was too but instead of grieving together, he ran away. I’m trying to put the pieces of my life back together now.
Though I didn’t want his money, he bought me a two-bedroom apartment not far from his on Central Park West. It has lovely large windows that let the sun in during the day. We’re not divorced yet because I dragged my feet signing the papers. I stupidly thought there was a chance for us and maybe he would come to his senses but that didn’t happen.
I left Fox Asset Corporation the day we separated and haven’t found any work that interests me. My mother and Anders wanted me to come home to stay with them… I said no. I needed to stand on my own two feet. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have plenty of nights where I cried myself to sleep with only Trouble to comfort me.
I finally told everyone about the baby. They were shocked I would keep that inside, but it was better they didn’t know. I don’t want them to hate Oliver. Everything that happened in our lives was just too much to overcome. I should’ve known we wouldn’t make it. Losing him was worse than the other things I endured.
What made it ten times worse was that a few weeks ago I picked up the paper to see my soon to be ex-husband with his arm around none other than Lara Harvin. Apparently, they were attending a charity dinner together.
The nightmares got worse. I finally relented and started seeing a therapist, Dr. Snell. She was surprised I kept it together with all I’ve been through and in such a short span of time. Frankly, I’m not sure how I did it. My heart is starting to heal and maybe somewhere in my future I’ll marry again.
Today was a beautiful day with the sun shining and the sky a cloudless blue. I feel better than I should after I indulged in too much scotch the night before. I made the mistake of unpacking some of the boxes I had in my walk-in closet and found our wedding album. I sat on the floor, leaning against the wall while I paged through one of the happiest days of my life.
Scotch took the edge off and after two, I was drunk and fell into a dreamless sleep. Now I stood looking across the street at the greenery of the park, deciding what I wanted to do with my life, at least for today. I didn’t want to waste this gorgeous Saturday inside.
“Want to go for a walk?” I asked Trouble. He knew what I was talking about and started to run in circles around me. I bent down to grab him, scratching behind his ears. He was my lone companion and comforter when I spent many a night crying.
I went to the closet and seeing the box that held our wedding albums, kicked it hard. It slid across the dark wood floor and bounced against the far wall. That’s where it would stay for now until I had the strength to decide what to do with it.
