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“Nothing to say,” he growled.
“Yes, there is,” Andi insisted. “You could tell me how you’re feeling to start with.”
At last he turned his head to look at her.
“I just raped my partner. How do you think I fucking feel?”
Oh boy, here we go…
Andi took a deep breath.
“Thrax, you didn’t rape me. I consented to the sex we had—remember?”
“How could you consent when you knew I was going to do it no matter what you said?” he demanded.
“When I realized that it was going to happen one way or another, I decided to take it on my own terms,” Andi said calmly. “I was willing, Thrax, so stop beating yourself up about it.”
“But I hurt you!” He glanced pointedly at her knees and palms and a look of self-hatred so bleak it stole her breath passed over his face.
“Honey, no!” she exclaimed, turning in her seat to lean towards him. “You were a little rough, but I’ll get over it.”
“You shouldn’t have to get over it—you shouldn’t be wounded at all! I did this to you Andi.” Thrax suddenly slid out of his seat so that he was on his knees before her. “I hurt you,” he said again hoarsely and his golden eyes were suspiciously bright.
“Oh, Thrax…” Andi felt like crying. “Please don’t hate yourself. What you did wasn’t your fault!”
“It was my fault,” he insisted. “I should have been stronger—should have been able to break the conditioning!”
“You didn’t even know you had been conditioned until she told us!” Andi protested. “How can you break something you don’t know about?”
“I should have broken free of her control over me—I should have been able to say no when she told me to hurt you—to rape you,” he said stubbornly.
“Stop saying that!” Andi said impatiently. “I told you—I was willing. Hell, I came!”
“Just because you had an orgasm doesn’t mean I didn’t force you,” he pointed out grimly.
“Thrax, look at me.” She took his face in her hands—careful not to press her wounded palms to his bristly cheeks. “Please, please don’t let what that horrible bitch did to us ruin our partnership,” she said earnestly, looking into his eyes. “We’ve been through tough times before and we’ve always come out the other side.”
“I don’t know.” He looked down. “I don’t know if I can come back from this, Andi. I never knew…” He cleared his throat. “I never knew I was a Broken One before.”
“A Broken One?” She frowned, not understanding.
“A male who is willing to hurt or kill a female,” Thrax said in a low voice.
“Kill a female? Are you feeling guilty because you let the other guys go and they killed Mistress Stoneheart and Queen Pantyitch?” Andi demanded. “Because both of those bitches got what was coming to them!”
“No.” Thrax shook his head. “But when…when my old Mistress talked about my conditioning and she said she’d had me kill someone—that other Mistress—I remembered…” He trailed off, either unwilling or unable to continue.
“Oh, Thrax,” Andi whispered again. “None of that was your fault—any more than it’s a knife’s fault when a criminal uses it to stab somebody!” She looked in his eyes, catching his gaze with her own. “She made you into a weapon!”
“Yes, she did!” he growled angrily. “A fucking dangerous weapon! And how do I know that I won’t go crazy and hurt or rape or kill somebody else?”
“Because she’s gone—her hold on you is over,” Andi emphasized. “You have to let her go and let your past go. You have to forgive yourself.”
“How can I after what I did?” he demanded.
“I don’t know.” Andi shook her head. “But you have to at least try or it’s going to tear you apart inside. Please, Thrax,” she went on, lowering her voice and looking earnestly into his eyes. “Please at least try. For me.”
He sighed heavily and his broad shoulders slumped in defeat.
