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He hesitated then, and for so long that she thought he had unilaterally ended the conversation but then, finally, almost imperceptibly, his shoulders shifted.
‘ADHD. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.’
She felt as if he’d slapped her across the face. ‘I—I didn’t know—’ But how? How could she not have known? She felt confused and ashamed.
‘Outside the family and a couple of therapists nobody does officially. My father didn’t want me to have a label. But I didn’t need one anyway. He made it clear that I wasn’t ever going to be good enough.’
The ache in his voice made her feel as though she were turning to stone. She had been so sure before that she knew who Trip was. Had readily accepted, in fact, that he was like Cameron. A beautiful, but unscrupulous, self-serving charmer. It was why she had kept her distance, kept it strictly physical. But this man was more than a pretty face. He had been hurt, badly, been judged and found wanting, and she understood how that felt. Only it was worse for Trip because her critics were strangers. His were people who should have loved him unconditionally.
Her chest was so tight now it was hard to breathe. She knew how hard it was to trust, how hard it must have been for him to talk about himself. But he had trusted her.
Glancing up at him, she saw that the last rays of sun were flooding through the window, blazing so brightly that he seemed to be losing shape, and she felt a rush of panic that he would dissolve into the light just as he had disappeared into the darkness of the rainforest.
‘When did you get diagnosed?’
‘When I was about ten, but I think my mom suspected way before that. My teachers, too. But my dad didn’t want to hear it, and besides, he had Charlie, and Charlie was always first and top.’
His mouth twisted into a shape that made her breath catch in her throat.
‘You know, I think it killed him that we shared a name. It’s probably why I was always “Trip”. And because, deep down, I think he thought it suited me. He was always so precise, so absolute and I was impulsive, reckless, a risk-taker so sometimes I’d trip or stumble.’
She reached out and covered his fingers with her hand. ‘We all stumble sometimes.’ And sometimes you ran into the spears and arrows willingly, stupidly, selfishly, she thought, remembering Cameron’s sly smile. ‘And when you set your mind on something, you make it happen.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘You mean like abducting my ex?’
Her fingers tightened around his. ‘Actually, I was thinking about your company. Nobody builds a unicorn business by luck. You need expertise, drive, optimism, an understanding of the customer and the market.’ She hesitated. ‘And I’m not your ex. You’re stuck with me, remember?’
‘I wanted to be, remember?’ he said, his gaze moving over her in that way he had that made everything inside her feel sweet and slow-moving.
She bit her lip. ‘Are you on medication?’
‘Not any more. I was when I was younger, but some of my symptoms stopped when I got older and some of them I manage with coping strategies and therapy.’
‘Like tapping?’
He nodded. ‘Tapping and CBT.’ Turning her hand over, he stared down at it as if he was making up his mind about something. ‘And natural lifemanship. That’s where you work with horses to regulate your body’s energy. I’d always ridden and one of my therapists mentioned it to my mother. I tried it and it really clicked with me.’
So that was what she had seen in the barn.
‘How does it work?’ she asked.
‘It helps develop your understanding of non-verbal cues. You see, horses are highly selective about who they trust so you have to learn how to control the chaos inside. That helps you deal with what you see as the chaos around you.’
She could see him standing, head bowed, trying to steady his breathing. ‘Is that why Acrux walked away from you?’
He nodded slowly. ‘After we argued, I was spinning out. Angry with you. Angry with myself too. He could feel it...’ His voice trailed off and she could feel his regret pulling at her like a tide. ‘I’m sorry, Lily, for making this your problem. For making assumptions and for lying to you. And your parents.’
He was apologising? Staring down at him, she felt that same quiver of petals opening in spring sunshine. Trip had hurt and manipulated her and the closeness of his behaviour to Cameron’s had struck a still raw nerve. But they were not the same. She knew that now.
‘I was angry with you too.’
‘You had every right to be. You still do.’ He made a small, tense gesture with his other hand. ‘I’ve messed everything up. I thought it would be easy, but I don’t know how to do this either. But I do know I can’t do it on my own.’
‘You’re not on your own. We’re in this together,’ she said, suddenly fierce.
His blue eyes locked with hers and she stared up at him, mesmerised, thrilled almost by the expression on his beautiful face, as if they really were together.
‘I think you mean that.’
