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Chapter 18
Merry
It was a few days later,when I realized that Blake and Slade had done me a giant favor by getting me off the ranch for a day before the slew of guests began to arrive. They had probably seen the depths of my stress, long before I had.
Between working with the kids, trying to be a good sub for them, and helping Nan prepare for the shit storm that was her annual Christmas party, I had been a wreck. And don't even get me started on the fact that I had to eventually make a decision about where to go from here. They had seen it all. I appreciated how much they had done and how hard they had worked to lay everything on the table, making sure that I had no doubts about where I stood with them and what they wanted from me.
It still didn't make the decision any easier. Staying felt safe. Like it was just me taking the easy way out and hiding from the harsh reality that was life outside the ranch. And yet, staying felt so hard—impossible, even. Having to balance two amazing men and live up to their expectations of me, all the time, while trying to set a good example for dozens of foster kids who looked up to us to be their mentors and the only safe space some of them had? Just the thought of all that expectation was exhausting.
I knew they believed in me. I knew they wanted me. I didn't know what to do about it. And I was about to crawl out of my skin, thinking about it all.
Sipping my coffee, I sighed deeply, regarding the whiteboard that held the list of today's preparations. So many things. And guests were starting to arrive. The house was still empty, except for Audra and her daughter, April, but there were already a dozen trailers scattered around the property and more to come, by the end of the day.
"What's wrong, dear?" Nan's voice interrupted my thoughts as she entered the kitchen with Audra right behind her.
"There's just so much to do," I sighed.
"And so many hands to do it," Nan reminded me, coming up behind me and rubbing my back. "That's why people come early. To help."
"But they are your guests!"
"They are my children, my family, and, for a lot of them, this is the only Christmas they have. So they come up early, because they want to be a part of it all. Because they enjoy it. We want you to enjoy it, too, sweet girl, not be stressed by it."
"I don't know how you do it every year," I sighed, still staring at the white board with tears in my eyes. Why was I so weepy?
"With love and a plan, child. Love and a plan. Speaking of plans, here's mine. Audra, April, and I will start the cooking, today. A few of the others will join us, after lunch. Blake and Slade are going to go out and get the tree, today, and when Mitch gets here, he will bring the decorations down from the attic. The teenagers from the program will come over this evening. We will have hot cocoa, popcorn, cookies, and gifts for all of them, and they will help us trim the tree. Who knows, maybe Santa will make an early appearance?"
"Okay, great," I grumbled, unable to shake the bah-humbug spirit that had washed over me in the past few days. "What am I supposed to do?"
"You, sweet girl, need some space and some peace and quiet. It's as plain as the nose on your face. You are on errand duty and present wrapping duty with April and Jane, later. You'll meet Jane, soon. She's only a bit older than you, I think. Last child to leave the ranch before you came. Now, finish your coffee, and go upstairs and get ready. When you come down, I'll have the list ready for you. You can take Slade's truck to town. He left the keys for you, this morning."
I had to admit, out of everything on the board, errand duty sounded the most enticing. There were just so many people here. And most of them knew each other. I knew no one.
"Fine," I agreed, heading up the stairs, already.
Was it a sign that everyone seemed so preoccupied with getting me off the ranch all the time? A sign that maybe I wasn't supposed to be here? I didn't even know anymore.
* * *
Merry
The little drugstore was packed with people, and for a moment, I wished I had made the hour long trek into the city and then I came to my senses. It was probably worse there.
Nan's list was long, and everything needed to be purchased in mass quantities. We needed a Costco or something. Twenty rolls of wrapping paper, five bags of bows, ten rolls of scotch tape and a thousand gift tags. Popcorn, cranberries, gift cards, and more. Thank God, the gifts had already been purchased. I couldn't imagine having to buy gifts for all the kids who frequented the ranch. I didn't know how Nan did it. I had asked her, and she had laughed and replied, "Amazon, of course."
The wrapping supplies were all in front, but the stand with the gift cards was towards the back of the store, near the register. Dodging frazzled shoppers, I turned down the least crowded aisle I saw and looked down at my list while I walked.
"Ooomph! Hey, watch where you're going!"
"I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, looking up into the angry eyes of a frazzled sounding familiar looking teen. I wracked my brain for her name. "Mariah!" I exclaimed as it came to me. One of the mean girls I had yelled at last week. Great. I had already been dreading seeing them back at the ranch, and now, I had to run into her today. I smiled, re-uttered my apology, and tried to wedge past her, but she stepped in front of my cart, blocking the aisle.
"It's Merry, right?"
"Yes, or Meredith, I guess. Either way."
Mariah nodded. The unease was evident in her eyes and matched my own, but she wouldn't let me pass. "Meredith…I…can you help me with something?"
Shit. There went any hope of escape. I looked at her, then—for real, this time—and my heart broke for the young girl, as I saw little bits of my old self in her. Her hands shook, as she waited for my answer, and her eyes were guarded from a lifetime of disappointment. She could hardly look at me, and I wondered what had happened to the snotty girl I had met back at the ranch. And then, I realized it was all just a front. A way to guard off the pain of being rejected, cast aside like she didn't matter, or worse. It was a pain I knew all too well. I forced myself to smile, and found that it actually felt genuine.
