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"Hey, you know how women are. She needs to know you are okay, just like we did," I reminded him.
"Yeah, right. Like she even cares." It was spoken softly, not meant for my ears, but I heard it, just the same. It was a punch in the heart. I remembered all too well what that felt like.
With Toby safe, I ran off in search of Merry. She had left the barn when she hadn't thought I was looking, but I had a pretty good idea where she had gone, and why.
With a nod at Blake, I left the arena, crossed around the barn, and took the straight shot to the back of the house. The woodshed. That was where she would be. Sighing, I pushed the door open and sneezed as the dust assaulted my nostrils. Nobody had been out here in a long time.
I found her on the bench in the back, just where I had expected her to be, huddled into a knee hugging ball, right below a dusty row of implements that hung from tack hooks on the wall.
Sighing, I sat beside her and wrapped my arms around her as she sobbed. "Why did Blake make me do this? I told him I'd be no good at it! He basically forced me into it, and I just ruined everything!"
"You're being too hard on yourself, little one. You did nothing wrong."
"I yelled at those kids! They don't need that! They come here to heal from the people like that in their lives, not to be screamed at by a crazy woman they just met."
"You were worried about Tobias."
"That's no excuse!" she pounded her little fists into my chest, then stopped abruptly and looked up at me. "Is Tobias okay?"
I threw back my head and laughed. "Tobias is just fine, other than being a little butt hurt because I made him sit the rest of the day out on the bleachers."
"I should never have pushed him into jumping. I just thought that if he could do something the other kids couldn't, then maybe they would stop picking on him so much."
"It was a sound theory. Probably would have worked, too."
"He wasn't ready. The horse wasn't ready. I pushed them both into it, and look what happened!"
I shook my head, quickly refuting the lies she was telling herself. "We don't know what happened. I'm going to check the horse out, soon. But, honestly, I would have made the same call, if I had thought of it. Tobias is a strong rider. He pays attention, and he learns quickly, and he knows his horse. He was as ready as he could be, Merry. It was a good call."
Her eyes welled with hope, and her lower lip quivered. "Really? You're not disappointed in me?"
She was breaking my heart. I grabbed her, pulling her close, and kissed the top of her head. "Not at all, little one. I'm only disappointed that you're so hard on yourself."
Her face fell again. "You hate when I do that. But I just don't feel like I'm being hard on myself. I was too hard on those kids, though, and you're being too soft on me," she pouted.
"I assure you that I'm not. You know what? I'm glad you yelled at those kids. I think Blake and I try too hard not to upset them, knowing their pasts, and we've been letting them get away with bullying. And you're right, it's not okay."
She rolled her eyes at me, clearly not believing a word I said.
"Would Nan have let any of us get away with the crap they've been pulling?" I asked gently, gripping her chin with the crook of my finger and forcing her to look at me. "Answer honestly," I reminded her with a quirk of my brow.
"No, Nan would never have let us get away with that. But you know what, Slade? She never would have yelled at us and threw a tantrum and ran off, the way I did, either."
"Nan didn't need to yell," I reminded her. "Nan let her switch and her paddle do her yelling for her. We don't have that authority with these kids. It's only natural that we lose our temper, from time to time. They aren't easy kids. That's the whole point."
Merry puffed out her cheeks and exhaled, blowing a puff of air straight in front of her. "I could still have done better."
"Maybe, but I don't think so. Now, why don't you tell me what's really bothering you, little one?"
She shook her head. "Where's Blake?"
"Oh, I'm sure he'll be here soon."
"Well, I'm not saying anything else until he gets here. He's the one who promised not to let me be too hard on the kids. He promised. All you do is try to make me feel better, because you want me to stay here and work more."
Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the wall and groaned inwardly. I couldn't even deny it anymore, at this point. I didn't want her to leave, and I did want her to work more. I thought it was good for her—for her and for the kids both. But because both of those things were true, she was never going to see it and wouldn't believe that it wasn't the reason I wasn't being hard on her.
But, she might listen to Blake. Hurry up, Blake.
