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His gaze searches mine, as if he's desperately seeking some confirmation that this is all a misunderstanding or a cruel joke of some kind. I can understand his disbelief. After all, I've kept this secret hidden for a very long time. But with a situation as complicated as the one we found ourselves wrapped up in, it's not surprising that he'd feel an onslaught of emotions.
“I know this is probably all hard to believe-”
“We used protection.” He sounds almost angry as he speaks, but I don't take this frustration personally.
“Protection can fail.” I think about mine and Charles’ encounter and the broken condom. Protection can fail spectacularly. And I think about how amazing Charles has been through that whole thing and how I'm teetering somewhere between hoping that nothing happens and hoping something does happen. He'd be an amazing dad. I'd love to be a mom to more than one child, but I can't help but feel like the time just isn't right.
“I didn't plan for things to happen this way. I wanted to tell you right away, but you were married, and I didn't want to come between you and your wife and cause problems in your marriage. I didn't know what else to do, so I just stayed quiet.” The fear of becoming a homewrecker had weighed heavily on me for a lot of years, but now that I know they’re splitting, that concern has lifted.
“Our daughter deserves to know her father. She deserves to know you. You deserve to know she exists and to know her.” My chest crushes as I worry about giving up any of my precious time with her, but I wrestle with the knowledge that this is for the best.
His gaze waivers and sweeps the room as if he's trying to ground himself and comprehend the enormity of the revelation I’d just dropped in his lap without warning. He stands up and begins to pace back and forth, and I realize the predatory smile that greeted me at the door had vanished, replaced by a mix of emotions I can't fully decipher.
“I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.” I feel regret wash through my body. “I was just doing my best to make what I thought was the right decision, and the thought of disrupting your life bothered me.”
He still doesn't say anything, and I feel panic begin to bubble up within me. Again, that little voice inside whispers that this is all just a huge mistake and I shouldn't have said anything.
When he finally speaks, his words make my heart drop to my shoes like a stone. “I can take her.”
“What?” Fear fills me and the hairs on the back of my neck and all along my arms stand on end. “What do you mean, you can take her?”
“I assume the reason you're telling me this is because it's all overwhelming in one way or another. Maybe you need a day off, a break or child support, I'm not sure, but I can just take her off your hands so you don't have to worry about any of this anymore.”
I blink and shake my head, absolutely stunned at his takeaway from this conversation. “No, I don't want you to take her. And child support absolutely had not crossed my mind. My mom takes her when I need a day off. That's not why I'm here.” I feel almost offended by his implications.
“I'm sorry, I misunderstood.” His voice softens and I realize the type of people he must be used to dealing with, the kind that are always after his money and never care about anything else. I decide to let go of what he said instead of holding it against him.
“That's okay. I know it's a shock.” I can only hope he can see the sincerity in my eyes and know the love and concern I have for our daughter and that she's the most important thing in my life.
“Why didn't you tell me before? Why keep it a secret all these years? You could have just told me in private and confidence, where nobody else could hear.” He seems confused and his voice is raw.
“Even if I told you in confidence, wouldn't you have had to tell your wife?” It finally dawns on me that that's part of my issue with him. He seems to compartmentalize his life and keep everything separate, which gives him ample opportunity to do things behind people's backs. And it's one of the reasons why I never want to be a serious part of his life.
“I guess you’re right.” He walks over and sits back down.
“I just know that denying her the chance to know her father is denying her part of herself.” I don't know how to accurately describe my reasons for everything I did, but I know that they didn't all come from a place of rational thinking. Some decisions I made out of fear, others I made out of what felt right at the time. And still others I haven't stopped to analyze and may never know the reasoning behind.
As we’re both quiet for a few more moments, I can't help but hope and wait for some semblance of understanding, or some sign that I made the right decision by revealing the truth to him. But he's quiet, looking at me for a long moment, his gaze searching mine as his eyes soften.
“Thank you for telling me the truth.” There's a steely edge to his voice that I can't quite decipher, and my heart hardens.
I nod my head in answer and stand, overwhelmingly feeling that our time here is over. He mirrors my movements.
“I hope you understand, I'll need a little bit of time to think about this.”
“Of course,” I say with a smile I don't quite feel as I make my way toward the front door.
But at the front door, he stops and turns me to face him by putting his hands on my shoulders and pivoting my body. He reaches out, putting a curled index finger under my chin and tilting my face up.
“I want to be a part of your lives.” His gaze searches mine, and I wish I felt something other than the need to escape.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Charles
I wake up a good five minutes before my alarm, looking forward to the day I have planned.
Last night she had told me about Methew’s reaction to her news and today, I want her to have a day off, a day of fun, and a day with her daughter.
