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That’s why, right now, I’m standing in line to order dessert. I get the feeling she needs a little sweetness in her life.
I glance over my shoulder and see her perched on a lounge chair. She has the back of the chair all the way up. Her legs are stretched out along the white cushions, ankles crossed. Tiny white lights crisscross along a trellis behind her.
She smooths her hair with one hand and appears lost in thought.
Is she thinking about me?
If so… what is she thinking?
I messed up a few minutes ago. I tried to explain how I’m in such a rough spot when it comes to relationships.
I tried to tell her that I’m damaged goods.
It didn’t come out right.
I don’t think she picked up what I was trying to put down. If I could try again, I’d do my best to get to the point without confusing things. I’d put it all out there. I don’t know exactly what’s happening between us, but it feels so good that it scares me. The thing is, I’m not in a good place to start something new.
I don’t even know what ‘starting something’ with Hazel would look like. Haven’t gotten that far. What I do know is I’m not ready.
Not given what I’m going through with Jess. I can’t believe Jess is engaged.
When we were together, she moved into my condo in Salt Lake City. We never talked about marriage, but I assumed it was inevitable. One day, we were living together, sharing a bed, sharing a life… then the next day, she packed her bags and left with barely any explanation.
As far as I could tell, it was more about her than me, where she was in her life, and her growth. The little she did say was about how she wanted to try living in California for a while. Apparently, it had always been a dream of hers.
I remember how surprised I was. There she was, talking about her dreams that didn’t include me. She didn’t invite me to go with her. It was like I didn’t factor in at all.
For a while, I didn’t lock the door at night because I figured she might come home while I was sleeping.
But she never came back.
How am I supposed to ever trust a woman again after all that?
I'm glad for the distraction when it’s my turn to order. I ask for a slice each of coconut cream pie and key lime. The server is friendly, so I leave a good tip.
Back at the lounge chairs, I settle in on the one beside Hazel.
I’m ready to do my best to ignore my building attraction for her. We’ll share two slices of pie, keep the conversation light…
But the minute I hold out the plates so she can choose, I sense something’s wrong.
“I shouldn’t have looked…” Her eyes are wide.
“Hm?”
“At my email,” she says.
“Wait—what?”
“I… I took a peek. It’s such a bad habit I have. It’s, like, a compulsion. I told myself not to look, but then you were over there ordering, and I did.”
“And… I’m getting the sense you got bad news. Why do I have a feeling it’s Devina-related?” With the dessert plates still extended, I raise one a little, then the other. “Coconut cream or key lime?”
The choice makes a fleeting smile break through her worried look. “You’re letting me pick?”
“If you want both, you can have both.”
“I do want to try both. Maybe we could share.”
