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I do wonder what she means when she says she's processing, though.
Does she regret what we did?
Did I move too fast?
Does she wish we hadn't been intimate?
I take an internal step back and remind myself she just got out of an abusive relationship. There are bound to be difficulties, but we can overcome them together.
“I’m here if you need or want to talk,” I say.
“Thank you,” she says.
I can't quell this surge of worry and concern for her. But there really isn't anything else I can do besides ask her if she wants to talk. But even as I sit there and worry about whatever's on her mind, she lifts her head and places a quick kiss on my lips. In that moment, everything is okay in the world.
And as we hold each other, I forget about my problems, my fears, and my doubts.
I don't think about the guilt that I've been holding on to for far too long but feel stressed to solve problems that aren't mine to fix. The entire world melts away, and the only thing that matters is her and me and this moment.
And in this moment, I realize how much she means to me.
I'm a different person when I'm with her, a person that I like more.
I feel safe to let my guard down and just relax.
She inspires me to be softer, kinder, gentler; things that don't fit into my life when she's not around. My life up to this point has required me to be ruthless and cunning to survive. But with her, I'm not surviving; I'm living. Maybe it doesn't make sense, and maybe this is just the clarity that comes after intimacy.
After all, I can't afford to be those things in my line of work. I can't afford to be vulnerable or weak or emotional. The people in my life who want me to fall would chew me up and spit me out. But why can't I be those things with her and hard and ruthless against the rest of the world? She offers me a unique respite that makes me happy - and I don’t want to let that go.
I can be a boss, a leader, a winner, a savage to everyone else. But with her, I can just be me. Or the best version of myself at least.
The question is, can I integrate her into my life without losing myself, losing her, or destroying everything I've worked so hard for? I don't know how to balance these two worlds without compromising one or the other. I don't know how to make this work without risking hurting her.
But there's also no way I can give her up or give up on us.
Short of her telling me she doesn't want me in her life anymore, I’m not going anywhere.
Because at this point, I can't give up whatever this is between us.
I'm hooked.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks me. I give her a slight smile as I continue combing my fingers through her hair.
“You. This moment.” I'm quiet again, and we listen to the rain striking the windows as she lays in my arms. I can't believe how quickly she's become an important part of my life. I can't stop thinking about her beautiful eyes, the sound of her laughter, the way her body fits so perfectly to mine, as if she were made for me.
I also know I shouldn't get attached. Not this quickly.
I want nothing more than to spend the rest of the night like this, wrapped up in her embrace as the sun comes up, lost in our own little world. But as much as I want to stay in this moment forever, I know that's just not going to happen.
“Hey,” I say softly, my fingers still stroking her hair. “There's something I need to tell you.”
“Sure. Anything.” She sounds open-minded and optimistic, both of which are going to be really important very soon.
Chapter Thirteen
Zoe
Even though he dropped a complete bombshell on me, I can't believe how happy I am.
