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Chapter Twenty-Four
Her ex-husband was a cocaine addict. That explained a lot.
“His clients had been paying him in drugs, which was one reason money was so tight,” Laurel continued. “But of course, I didn’t know any of this until I found his stash.”
“You confronted him,” Zack said. That wouldn’t have been pretty.
“Yes. Now I knew why he’d needed more money. Not for his family. For the drugs. I wasn’t such a coward that I could let that go.”
“I don’t think you were ever a coward.”
“That makes one of us. Anyway, once I confronted Stan he went ballistic. He tried to deny everything, but of course he couldn’t.”
“Is that when you broke up?”
“No. You’d think so, but no. Eventually he admitted it was true. He swore to me he could beat it. But he needed help. He needed me. So I stayed. He wouldn’t hear of going into a rehab facility. He said he could do it on his own, with my help. He would tell me he’d quit but by then I knew the signs and knew he hadn’t. He continued to spend money we didn’t have. He couldn’t get clean. I’m not sure he even really tried. Finally when Katrina was almost two I told him to choose. His family or the drugs. He chose the drugs.” She fell silent.
“Why does no one know this? Didn’t you ever talk to anyone about all this? Your parents? Travis and Harlan? A girlfriend?”
“No.” She forced herself to meet his eyes. “I’ve never told anyone. I was too ashamed.”
“Why were you ashamed? You didn’t do anything wrong,” Zack said. “He was the abusive drug addict.”
“I married him. I stayed with him. Even after he hit me, even after I found out about the drugs, I stayed.”
“Because you wanted to help him. There’s no shame in that, Laurel.” Zack reached for her hand. “It’s not a crime to love your husband.”
She lifted her gaze to his. Her eyes glimmered with unshed tears. It broke his heart to see her so sad. To see her place all the blame for a terrible situation on herself.
“That’s just it. I didn’t love him. Not by then. I’ve always wondered if the reason I didn’t give him an ultimatum earlier was because I was scared to be alone. Scared of having to support myself and my children.”
“So what if you were? Your kids were little. They were what, two and four? Anyone would be worried about supporting them and raising them alone.”
“It was wrong. I left the decision to stay or go up to him. If he’d agreed to really get help, I’d probably still be with him.”
“You wouldn’t have stayed with him if he didn’t get clean, would you?”
“No. But—”
Zack placed his fingers on her lips. “Stop. Stop blaming yourself. You did your best. You did what you thought was right. Maybe it was a mistake, but you can’t—you shouldn’t—fault yourself for trying to save your marriage. Whatever your reasons.”
“I love you, Zack. I do. I want to be with you. But I’m scared. No, I’m petrified.”
“Of what? That I’ll turn out like he did?”
“No. I’m afraid to let go. It’s taken me so long to be able to take care of my family and then when you offered me the airport job, I thought finally things were going to get easier. But now this.” She gestured at the room. “And I know we have to move. I know we can’t stay here any longer.”
“I don’t think you’re afraid to let go. I think you’re afraid to hold on. I think you’re afraid to open yourself up again. But, Laurel, committing yourself to someone you love doesn’t make you weak.”
“That’s not—” She broke off.
“Isn’t it? Isn’t that what you believe? If you believe you can only depend on yourself, if you believe that love won’t last then you don’t have to take the scary step of allowing yourself to be vulnerable again.”
“Maybe…maybe you’re right.”
He knew he was but Laurel was going to have to come to that conclusion herself.
“I wasn’t sure how you’d react if I told you the truth about my marriage. But I should have trusted you.”
