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Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the hell am I going to do?
My heartbeat thuds in my chest as I think about how much worse me and Audra could have been hurt. If I didn’t steer into the skid, or tap the breaks, or any of the things I did in the split seconds that the whole accident happened, would I even be alive? Would Audra?
A shudder hits me right between the shoulder blades as all of the horrible possibilities filter through my mind at the speed of light and my breathing goes choppy. There’s a weight on my chest when I think about how seriously Audra could have been hurt and my eyes start to prick with tears from the impending panic attack.
“Hey. Hey. You’re okay. You’re fine.”
Harlan’s quiet words filter through a tunnel full of fog, I nearly can’t make out what he’s saying to me through the ringing in my ears.
A light touch comes to my shoulder, and I flinch from it, stumbling back until my ass meets concrete as I sit down hard.
The sound of something scuffing on the pavement filters through and I watch as Harlan places Audra’s seat down before kneeling in front of me. He holds his hands up in front of him. “I’m not going to touch you. I promise. But I need you to breathe. Breathe with me.”
I suck in a lungful of air that tastes like glass shards and panic. It wooshes out of me and some of the pressure in my chest eases.
“That’s good. Good job. A couple more. In and hold it for four seconds, then exhale for four seconds.”
Following the cadence of Harlan counting in his smooth voice, some of the panic eases and embarrassment filters in.
I’m sitting on the floor of a car repair shop having a panic attack, while the sheriff that I’m supposed to stay with coaches me through breathing.
I’m fricken hopeless.
“I’m so sorry.” I breathe out raggedly once I have enough air and the vise on my throat loosens enough to speak. “I’m not usually like this.”
Harlan shakes his head. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay. You and your daughter are safe. It looks worse in the light of day, and it was a traumatic experience for you. I’m sorry. I should have thought of that before I brought you down here, or at least warned you.”
I suck in another searing breath. “Why are you being so nice?”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
“You, your brothers, your sister-in-law. You’re all so nice, buying Audra a car seat, letting me stay with you, and I don’t understand why. People aren’t that nice.”
Harlan’s hazel eyes are steady on mine as he kinda half smiles at me. “We’re friendly folks here in Everette. I’m sorry that hasn’t been your experience wherever you were before you came here.”
I dust my hands off on my thighs, and Harlan stands from his crouch. Instead of offering me his hand to help me up, he takes a step back to give me space, and that gesture makes me want to cry all over again.
“Let’s get you packed up, and we’ll head to my place. Jedd has some boxes around here somewhere.”
“Why would I need boxes? A night’s worth of clothes and toiletries should be fine.”
I’m not staying with him longer than I have to. The itch to keep moving, to get somewhere that no one knows me or my daughter pokes at me incessantly.
“There’s no saying if you’ll actually be able to reinstate your rental, so you might be here for longer than you intend. Might as well pack for the extra time, it’s easier than coming back again if you need to stay longer.” His no nonsense response makes sense and is logical, but the rational side of my brain is clearly malfunctioning — as evidenced by me losing my shit at the sight of my wrecked vehicle.
Too tired to put up a fight, I just nod and scoop Audra’s carrier up to skirt around to the other side of the camper. I’m careful not to look at it too closely, in case the damage to this side reignites whatever weird panic took over a few minutes ago. Harlan keeps his distance the whole time I pull open the side door. The steps are missing, and I wonder what happened to them for a minute before hauling myself into the back of the camper.
If I thought the outside was bad, the inside is infinitely worse. All of my cookware fell out of the cabinets and is broken on the ground. Shelves and counters sit empty, the entirety of our belongings is strewn about the open space.
Our meager belongings are sitting on the floor, broken beyond repair.
The sight of Audra sleeping peacefully in her car seat soothes me.
We’re fine. We’ll be okay. Everything else can be replaced.
Just get it done. Shut it down. Get what you need, and then deal with the rest later.
I set Audra on the bed and grab a duffle bag from one of the compartments and start to fill it with clothes and necessities for me and Audra. I pack more than I normally would at Harlan’s advice, and after a few seconds, I have everything that we need for the next few days.
