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He’s pulled me in deeper than I want to admit, and seeing him with her shreds me.
I was right. He’s moved on, and I have no one to blame but myself. I pushed him away—not because I don’t love him, but because I do.
Selflessness has never hurt so much.
The words from my return visit to Dr. Reid a week ago rings in my ears.
“Congratulations, Miss Ryan, that blip on the screen is your baby’s heartbeat.”
Finally breaking the stare, I glance at the floor, softening my voice as I slice my heart open. “Julian, let’s be adults.”
“Fine. Let’s go somewhere and talk like adults—alone.”
I shake my head. “I’m begging you, leave. Live your life, and let me do the same.”
Running into the attached bathroom, I collapse onto the floor and rest my head against the porcelain sink. It’s only there that I give into the pain, crumbling as I cry for what never had a chance.
* * *
“You don’t have to hide out with me, you know.” I try to mask the tears, but it’s pointless. It’s like trying to put a Band-aid over a geyser.
“Where am I going to go, Pheebs?” Nate says, wiping my face. “If Ellison finds me, she’s going to make me tell her where you are.”
“I’m sorry for flipping out on you, but he just wouldn’t leave. You know what he was probably thinking.” I motion a hand between us and stifle a dry laugh. “And I didn’t clarify because he was with her.” Which makes me a giant asshole. “I owe you an apology, Nate. I used you. Can you forgive me?”
We’re sitting on the hotel terrace in the aftermath of Hurricane Julian. I hang my head in regret as a biting wind whips my hair around my face. Nate shifts his weight, still not speaking, so I meet his eyes.
I’m caught off guard at the affection I find shining back at me.
“I know what he thought, Pheebs,” he confesses. “I’ve made no secret I’m attracted to you. I also know you’ve kept me at arms length because of him.”
Biting my lip, I shift to put space between us. “Nate—”
“Of course, I forgive you,” he says, flashing a sheepish smile. “If you can forgive me.”
I lift an eyebrow. “For what?”
“This.” His smile fades as he folds his arms around me. A first, I’m too surprised to react, but then he kisses me.
It feels wrong. It isn’t his kiss.
Gasping, I pull away and press my fingertips against my lips. His face falls, reflecting my rejection.
“I’m sorry, Nate. I can’t do this…” I stammer, choosing not to insult him with the whole it’s not you, it’s me speech. He deserves more. He deserves the truth. “I don’t know when I’ll be over him, or if I ever will. You deserve so much more.”
“It’s okay,” he says, offering me a small smile. “I’m not an idiot. I knew it was a long shot, but I had to try. If not for me, then for you.”
“For me?”
He chuckles softly. “Anyone can see you’re still in love with him, and the man is head over heels for you too. Not that I blame him. You both fucked up, but it doesn’t change what I saw in his eyes. That’s a man devastated.” He rolls his eyes. “I didn’t think he had it in him. Regardless, I just proved to you that you don’t want anyone else.”
I’m barely holding on. “Nate, I can’t tell you—”
He cups my cheek. “Don’t tell me. Tell him.”
His words hit home.
My intentions and heart are in the right place, but what’s my long-term plan? Eventually, I’ll have a child who’ll want to know about its father. What will I say then?
