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No.
Not even a little.
Moonlight shines through the windshield as he braces a hand on the center console and cages me in against the leather. My heart skips and sputters at the sight. A melange of emotions pour across his stern features, too many for me to trace.
After I’m hypnotized, he grabs me by the cheeks and digs his fingers into my jaw. “I don’t even know where to begin with you, princess.”
I wince. “What exactly did my friends tell you that got you out here? Do you…know the truth?”
“I know I’m your little project.” Rowan releases a heavy sigh. “Why are you like this?”
“A delight?” I’d try to flutter my lashes, but they are sticky with tears, and I don’t even have the energy to smile.
His lips touch mine in a desperate kiss as his grip loses all its strength. “A—” He swears. “—delight.”
I go still.
His fingers slip against my cheek, into my hair, tender, almost reverent. Dust falls from the strands as he combs through. “One word answers only. Are you insane?”
“Probably.”
“Are you okay?”
Something spears my chest. “No.”
“Can I help?”
I begin shaking my head as tears swell and overflow. He’s not supposed to respond to the truth like this. I’m dangerous. I’m messed up. I’m broken.
So very broken.
Sobs wrack my chest as I cave in on myself, reverting to a shaking puddle. Wet sounds turn my struggling words into garbled croaks. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Hush…” He draws my head against his chest, lets my tears soak into his jet black dress shirt. He didn’t even have a chance to change. It must be very, very late.
“I try so hard to follow what Papa and Mama taught me, but I’m so tired. I don’t know how to do this without them!” My voice erupts in a biting shriek. “This isn’t me. I don’t remember me. Without them, I don’t know who I am at all!” Gasping for air, I grip his clothes, shake him. “Everything is broken. Everything. And the people who try their hardest to fix it wind up broken, too. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m drowning.”
Rowan tenses. “Briar…”
“I can’t.” My voice cracks, split straight down the center of my throat. “Not without them. I’m not strong like you, Rowan. I’ve lived happily ever after in my chaos where everything goes my way because I make it. I can’t handle normal bad things. When my parents died, I lost my grip on reality. All I am is a monster. An insensitive monster with a god complex and depression. That’s all I am. There. Now you have all my secrets.”
His lips skate across the crown of my head. “Not all of them.”
“What more do you want?”
“You really have to ask that?” His fingers thread in my hair to yank my head back so he can meet my eyes. “I want you. Every morning and every night. I want my clothes to smell like cake and my sanity to walk a tightrope every time I see you in a new outfit. I want breakfasts and lunches and dinners. I want more parties where we dance. I want rudimentary displays of dominance that end with you blushing. I want everything. Because, no, it’s not all broken.” He swipes beneath my eye, disrupting the constant stream of tears. “I am a patchwork of proof that no matter how many times you break something, it can heal. It might be uglier, parts might wind up twisted and numb, but—” He curses. “—Briar, I want movies and fireflies and ice cream. In the depths of your own despair, you showed me there’s still so much worth living for.” He swallows. “Can you give me a chance to show you a fraction of your own light? Can you give me the time to convince you it’s not all smoke and mirrors?”
My lips tremble. “I…don’t know what I’d do if you were taken from me, too. If I lost you… I can’t… I don’t how I’d lose someone else if I allow myself to love like that again. I don’t think I’d survive losing the only person who makes me feel real…again.”
Sorrow pinches his dark eyes. “Are you sure? I can wait with you while you heal. I don’t need promises of anything greater. I just want to be near you.”
“I’m so sorry. I…don’t think this is something anyone truly heals from.”
His fingers unravel from my hair as he pulls back, leaving me cold. Closing my car door, he walks to the driver’s side. Silently, he gets in and starts the engine. “I understand,” he says finally. “I really didn’t want it to come to this.”
“Come to what?”
To his credit, he manages to look pitiful when he says, “I’m going to have to lock you in my basement.”
