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“Explain.” His face is carefully controlled neutrality.
I explain the situation as best I can, talking through my feelings with Angela and the drinks that followed, and how that plus sleep deprivation may have contributed to sending that text to the wrong brother.
“Alice saw the message before he did, and then, well. You know the rest.”
He’s quiet for a beat, contemplative. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“That text is the reason they’re not together anymore.” I shake my head. “Of course it’s my fault.”
“No.” There’s that conviction again. I only wish he could share some of it with me. “It’s not. If their relationship were stronger, they would’ve been able to handle it. They had deeper issues they needed to work through, but they couldn’t do it.”
He’s right, I suppose. Alice wouldn’t have applied to jobs out of the state and kept it from Ben otherwise. She looked happier telling me about her internship than she did telling me about her engagement. Maybe she was looking for a reason to leave. Maybe I gave her one.
“Are you sad that she’s leaving?”
“No.” He turns off the lamp and returns to his place in bed, arms around my body. His hand moves up my back in gentle strokes. “No, I’m not sad. We talked about this for years when we were in high school. The reason I said their engagement was a mistake is because she boxed away her dreams without even trying. Ben—” He blows out a breath. “I know how he is. Before we stopped talking, he didn’t want me to leave after high school.”
“What?” I ask. “Really?”
“Yeah, he thought I’d abandon him if I made it into the NFL. Our family was already falling apart. He didn’t want to lose me, too. And in a way, I guess he was right.” He shakes his head. “I know my brother. He holds on to the people he loves impossibly tight. He knows how to twist your words into something you feel guilty over for years. He turns your ambition into selfishness if it doesn’t include him somehow, but especially if it means leaving him behind.”
I can’t lose you. Yes, I know exactly what Theo means.
“It was exhausting. He was my brother and I loved him. I still do,” he explains. “But sometimes, I think I hated him more when we were close.”
The realization hits me then. If what he’s saying is true, and there’s not a doubt in my mind it is, then Ben would’ve done anything to make sure Theo couldn’t leave, that he’d never be able to achieve his dreams and leave Ben.
“Do you think that’s why he hurt you?” My heart thumps wildly in my chest. This is none of my business. Theo’s shoulders tense up under my touch. “I’m sorry. It’s just—I saw him a few days ago and he let it slip that he was the reason for your injury in the first place. If it wasn’t for him—”
“God, how do you do that?” He sounds like the wind’s been kicked out of him.
“Do what?” I shrink, even though he can’t see me.
“Find all the worst parts of me.” He rolls away from me. “I’ve never even let myself say it out loud, but it’s like you’ve infiltrated my most selfish thoughts. The injury was an accident. I’ve come to terms with that over the years, because the alternative…” He trails off, as if afraid to voice it. “The alternative has almost broken me too many times. I’ve entertained the idea too many times, but it never made me feel any better. I’m through wondering if my own brother would do that to me on purpose. The truth can’t do me any good now. It’s over.”
I nod to myself. Better to drop the subject now, and let bygones be bygones. If that’s what will help him heal.
“It doesn’t matter. Not if I left anyway and shut him out when I did,” Theo says. “I knew it would hurt him, but I still did it. Maybe I am selfish, but I never thought that was the right way to love someone. To hold on to them so tightly, you never gave them room to breathe. It’s the same way he loves Alice. And you.”
I vaguely remember Alice majoring in journalism, but not any of those dreams Theo’s talking about. In fact, when she talked about her future back then, it mostly revolved around Ben.
“I never thought of it that way,” I say. “I was probably conditioned not to because of my dad.”
He doesn’t say anything, waiting for me to go on. I don’t plan on saying anything more, but something about his comforting silence, the darkness engulfing us, and my promise to try makes me continue.
“I hated him for leaving us. I’ve never hated anyone like I hate him. My whole body burns with it when I think about it for too long, even now. For years, I thought the worst thing you could do to someone you love was leave without a trace.” I take in a steadying breath, steeling myself to be as honest with Theo as he’s been with me. “That’s why I kept hanging on to Ben the way he hung on to me. Because even if I could never have him the way I wanted, I knew he’d never leave me. That’s what I thought love was. Never leaving.”
A beat of silence. “Do you still think that?”
“No.” I shake my head. “He wouldn’t have held on to me the way he did if he really loved me. He wouldn’t have cast me aside so easily. It wasn’t good for us, staying in each other’s lives the way we did. It just took me way too long to realize that.”
“Okay,” he says, my head tucked beneath his chin. “Are you sure you want to do this? Try?”
“Mm-hm.” I cover a yawn with my hand. It crosses my mind that we should probably talk about what that means, but I’m too exhausted and the warmth of his body is too comfortable. I sink into him, into the best sleep I’ve had in weeks.
It’s early when his alarm goes off. The curtains are still dark, which is how I know it’s way earlier than I need to be up for work. He turns his back as he gets dressed, careful not to make another sound to wake me, even when his lips touch my forehead. I’m still in shock over what I agreed to last night.
I want to try.
