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She lets out a sigh, looking away from me. “There was a moment, my junior year of high school. He’d just finished a football game, and I stayed after to congratulate him on the win. His eyes seemed to pierce through me, and for a moment… I don’t know. My heart jumped, and it was like I was seeing him for the first time.”
My own wrenches at her admission. If Theo knew, it would change everything for him, wouldn’t it? She shakes her head suddenly. “But then he started talking about the NFL, and how I was gonna be a big-time journalist. We’d Skype every weekend and visit each other every other month. All these plans of staying in touch that fell through the second high school was over.
“This feud with Ben felt like my fault, so I thought I should be the one to fix it. I wanted them to resolve their issues before the wedding. Be real brothers to each other again. But the more and more I reached out, something funny happened.” Her lips curl in a smile. “Theo reminded me of all the dreams I’d forgotten about. Leaving Texas behind for some big city. New York. Chicago. DC. It reminded me that somewhere along the way, with Ben, I had settled before my life could really begin.”
I look over at her, not entirely comprehending what she’s saying.
“We didn’t break up because of you,” she says, holding up her ringless hand. “It was because of me. I’ve secretly been applying to jobs out of state for months. Not because I really intended on leaving. I wouldn’t have said yes to Ben if I was,” she explains quickly. “But last week, I got offered a position at the Washington Post. I was all set to turn them down, until I saw your text on Ben’s phone this morning.”
My eyes widen, emotions spinning in different directions. I give a surprised laugh. “Should I be congratulating you, or…?”
She nods, mouth breaking out into a wide grin. “Yeah, that’d be a start.” She laughs. I pull her into a hug, half surprised when she accepts and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “I have no idea how I’ll afford rent since it’s only an intern position, but it’s a starting point.”
“That’s incredible,” I tell her. “Really. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks,” she says, pushing her hair back behind her ear. “And you won’t have to worry about me anymore, if I’m part of the reason you and Theo aren’t together anymore.”
“I…” I start, not sure what to say. Does Alice and Ben’s breakup change anything? On my side, I don’t think it does. But for Theo? If any part of him still cares about her in a romantic way, there’s no way I can see past that.
Finally, I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I hope you get some clarity soon,” she tells me, getting up from the couch. “Thank you for talking with me. And don’t beat yourself up too much.”
When she smiles, I can see what Theo saw in her. Her warmth comes through, eyes sparkling like we’re in on a secret from the rest of the world. I see her to the door, and she stands tall as she walks away. She doesn’t look back, but I don’t expect her to. That bubble of jealousy I’m used to doesn’t fill me. I have nothing but respect for her.
I close the door, leaning back on it with a sigh. They’re really over. How many times in almost a decade have I waited for this exact moment to transpire? I imagined I’d be thrilled. That I’d run to my car and speed down the highway to where he lives, hesitate before knocking on his door, and then… the fantasy always ended there. I never once imagined that the outcome would fall in my favor.
Only now, I can’t imagine wanting anything less.
Thirty
Two days later, I meet Ben at a coffee shop before work.
As far as bad ideas go, this one takes the cake. But he was insistent on meeting in person “to talk.” If he hates me, does he hate me enough to want to chew me out in a public setting? I’d hate me if I were him. I’m partially the reason he and Alice are no longer together.
He’s seated beside a window, warming his hands with a giant red mug. A latte with two pumps of vanilla and almond milk, most likely. He’s wearing a jean jacket over a gray sweatshirt, his right leg shaking underneath the table. His hair is shorter than it was the last time I saw him, and it’s styled with product. Of all the times I imagined his breakup with Alice, I never expected the reality. His eyes are clear and bright, no trace of dark circles underneath them. His clothes look perfectly pressed and washed. A smile even tugs the edge of his mouth when he spots me by the entrance.
Maybe he doesn’t hate me then. Odd.
Alice, the woman he was about to marry, left him three days ago. He should be a heartbroken mess of a man who can’t bear to leave the house. But there’s something about him that seems almost… unbothered.
“Hey.” I take the seat across from him. “Listen, Ben. I’m so sorry about Alice.”
“It’s not your fault.” His smile comes off strained even as he waves off my concern. But I don’t understand why he’d even bother, after that text. “Really, Marcela. Don’t blame yourself.”
“I don’t know how to do that.” I shake my head. “Are you…” I clear my throat to cover the stupid question I was about to ask him. “How are you?”
“Surprisingly, okay,” he says, and I’m not sure how I can believe that. “Maybe we just weren’t meant to be.”
“Meant to be or not doesn’t erase the eight years you guys spent together,” I say. “You shouldn’t be afraid to let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling about Alice—”
“Look, I really don’t want to talk about her,” he says, expression shuttering. There it is. A trace of how he really feels, right below the unbothered facade. “But the other day was a wake-up call, to say the least. It’s got me thinking about all the choices we made to get here, and I can’t—” He shakes his head. “I can’t fathom how it came to this.”
I don’t say anything, but my thoughts turn a hundred different ways.
“Do you ever wonder if we could’ve made it work?” he asks suddenly. “If we’d given ourselves a real shot?”
What the hell is even happening right now?
