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A loud vibration from the hallway makes both of us jump.
He’s calling.
Angela meets my eyes imploringly, as if to say, Don’t do this. But there’s no going back. The only way out is through. I spent years avoiding this truth I so desperately wanted to be untrue, and all it bought me was a smokescreen.
I want to be better than this.
Before I talk to Theo, I need to clear things up with Ben for good. The text might not have been meant for him, but at one point it could’ve been. It’s time to face up to the feelings I’ve been fighting to outrun head-on, once and for all. It’s the only way I’ll be able to make good on my promise to move on from him.
I rise from the couch, numbness settling over me as I carry myself to where my phone landed, pick it up from the floor, and hit answer.
Twenty-Nine
Do you want me to stay?” Angela whispers as I put the phone to my ear. I shake my head, resolute. This is something I need to do on my own.
Angela leaves my apartment wordlessly, mouthing Good luck before the front door shuts behind her. I sit down on the couch with a sigh, Ben’s voice on the other line hitting me like a ton of bricks.
“What the hell, Marcela?”
Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I’m glad I waited this long to confess—even if confessing to Ben wasn’t what I’d planned on doing at all in the first place. Thanks a lot, Drunk Marcela. But now that the truth is partially out there, I want to be more like Theo. I want to be honest with other people, but more importantly I want to be honest with myself. “Look, Ben, I’m sor—”
“Why now?”
I freeze, the explanation dying on my tongue. I’m sorry if I confused you. I was drunk, and that text wasn’t meant for you. He doesn’t sound surprised.
Why now?
His voice is lowered, a husky whisper as the creak of a door opening and closing sounds over the speaker. I don’t know where he is, but I immediately know he’s hiding from Alice. He wouldn’t ask that kind of question if she were in the room with him.
He knew. All along, he knew.
“I’m engaged,” he says, as if I could possibly forget. “Is that why you’ve been so weird, lately? Why you went after my brother of all people?”
“I—” I have no idea what to say to that. No idea what we’re even talking about anymore. Is he admitting he knew? I scoff over the line. “I didn’t go after Theo. It just sort of… happened,” I say, which is mostly true.
“Really?” he asks in a tone that’s clear he doesn’t believe me. “You hook up with my brother the night of my engagement party. And then turn around and text me what you did last night. Now I’m expected to believe your relationship with Theo had nothing to do with me?”
I’m stunned silent, chastened in a way I deserve to be. To him, I’m messing with his head, with whatever his mixed-up emotions are right now. It doesn’t matter that I never meant to, that I held my own emotions back and lied for so long that I no longer recognize the truth of them.
“I did have feelings for you,” I tell him, and though I cringe as soon as the words are out, I also feel immeasurably relieved. “Past tense. You probably won’t believe me, but that message wasn’t intended for you. I was never going to tell you how I felt. That was a secret I was content to keep buried for both our sakes. For Alice’s, too.”
This might be the most honest I’ve been with him in years. As hard as it is admitting all that to him, I’m glad I finally did.
“Last night was a mistake. You weren’t supposed to get that message, it was meant for someone else, and I’m sorry you did. I’m sorry if I hurt you or your relationship with Alice.”
His sigh is deep, edged with frustration. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to think at this point.”
“Just forget it ever happened,” I tell him, as if it’s that easy. But he has to. We both do. “Because it was never supposed to.”
“Marcela—”
I hang up before he can finish, because I am. Finished. Is this what closure feels like? My hands shake as I set my phone down, every nerve end jittery and wired. It’s not the feeling I expected, but it’s close. The last chapter before the epilogue. But before I get there, there’s a new page I’m ready to start fresh on.
Can we talk?
I hit send before I can overthink it. I want this. If he meant what he said and he’s still in this…
An hour later, there’s a knock at my door. I jump up immediately, imagining Theo behind the door as if summoned by the message I sent.
