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“I wouldn’t say that,” he says quietly, but the intensity in his stare tells me he’s holding back. He clears his throat. Rakes his hair back with a rough hand. Lets out a groan so loud, I nearly flinch off the couch. “God, I hate this.”
“Not your average casual relationship, huh?” I chuckle to myself at the look of absolute outrage on his face. Then, more seriously, I say, “Listen, I don’t know if trust is something I can promise. Not right away, at least. But I will promise to be honest with you from here on out.”
He nods. “I’d like that.”
“Okay.” I take in a bracing deep breath. “The real reason I kept this secret from you? It’s the same reason I haven’t told anyone. The only reason Angela knows is because she figured it out years ago. I don’t like admitting it because it shouldn’t be true,” I explain. “I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could control my own feelings and see Ben as nothing more than a friend. Not only because it would make things so much easier for everyone, but because I’m sick of being this person.” Tears sting my eyes again at the confession I haven’t even had the courage to tell anyone. Not even Angela.
“I’m not a good person. I lie all the time, every day, just to keep up with this image of the person I wish I was. I thought that I could still be friends with Ben despite my feelings for him, and that was a lie. I thought if I could get over him by hooking up with someone else, I could keep my friendship with him.
“But the reason I keep making up excuses to hold on to him, to keep him in my life is because I’m hoping one day, he’ll… that he’ll leave Alice for me or something. Which just sounds incredibly messed up now that I’ve said it out loud.” I shake my head, even as a humorless laugh burbles from the back of my throat. “That’s probably why I never have until now. And I can’t tell him. I can’t confess any of these feelings when he’s engaged to someone else, but I can’t keep pretending I’m okay with being just friends. I can’t do it. Not when it chips away at me each day. When I have to make up new lies just to appease myself.”
Theo doesn’t say a word, letting me get out years’ worth of baggage. “But if I’ve learned anything the last couple of weeks, it’s that I can’t… I can’t be his friend anymore. It’s not good for me, or for his relationship with Alice. I caught him lying to her once about where he was when he was with me. And it felt good.” I shake my head, hating myself as soon as the words are out. “If I can feel that way about breaking up a relationship…”
“Then that makes me just as bad,” he says. “You stopped me, remember? You easily could’ve let me do that exact same thing and reap any benefits that came with it. But you didn’t. You’re not nearly as bad a person as you think you are. I would know.”
“How can you be so sure?” I ask him. “Maybe I picked you out of all the guys I could possibly rebound with because I knew it’d hurt your brother the most.”
“And maybe I went along with it because I wanted to hurt him just as badly,” he counters.
I sit up, assessing him as if seeing him for the first time.
“You hid something from me, too,” I remind him, not accusingly. As far as the secrets we’ve kept from each other go, his have been far smaller than mine. “You didn’t tell me they already knew.”
“You’re right.” His chest rises with an inhale. “I didn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask him.
“Honestly? I didn’t think I’d need to,” he says. “Not until you told me about the double date. And then I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was using you to prove something to them. That’s not what this was about. Not at all.”
At his admission, I know Angela and Ben are wrong. There was nothing purposeful in the way we came together. We were just two lovesick fiends with feelings for people we shouldn’t have, making the best and worst of a complicated situation.
“We could argue this in circles all night, because love is weird, and not at all like we’re told it is. We’re all capable of the worst depravities just to have a piece of it, but the point is we don’t act on them. We don’t let our bad sides win, no matter what we think we want. That’s what being a good person means.”
I nod, but I’m not entirely convinced yet. His hands cup my cheeks, forcing me to look up at him. “I don’t care how this started, Marcela. If you used me first or I did, but what matters now is that we’re moving on. I’m ready to walk away from Alice for good. The question now is”—he wipes my wet cheeks with his thumbs—“are you ready to walk away from Ben?”
I let in a shaky breath, holding it in my lungs. His eyes pierce into mine, questioning. When I nod, I try to muster all my energy into it. “I am.” I so desperately want this to be true, but I can’t tell if it’s just another lie I’m telling myself. Just like all my other lies.
“Good.” He nods with finality, looking down at me through half lidded eyes. “That’s all I need to know.”
He leans toward me, and our mouths collide in a kiss that wrenches at my core.
Theo kisses me hard enough to bruise, and I return the strength right back—hands tugging at his hair, nails digging into his scalp. His hand finds its way down my jeans, pulling my panties aside. I’m already wet, moaning into his mouth as his hand works fast circles against my clit. My hand makes its way down his jeans to his hard cock to return the favor.
There is no playful teasing or dirty talk as we shed the fabric separating us and pleasure each other. Only the sounds of our breathing and heavy pants, avoiding eye contact as we bring each other over the edge. I left the condoms at my place, so we have to come up with other ways to satisfy each other.
He’s underneath me on the couch, my knees straddling him. My hand works up and down his length as my lips trail kisses down his neck. His hand reaches up to pull my hair, tugging in a way that would be painful if I wasn’t so turned on. I watch his face as he comes undone, biting down on the inside of his hand to hold back his sounds. I kiss him as he comes, lips scorching against mine.
As soon as my hand leaves his jeans, he flips me over until my back hits the cushions. He hovers over me with a devilish glint in his black storm eyes, which are edged with just the hint of blue. Not one to be showed up, I bring the hand that was in his pants up to my mouth and lick my fingers.
He growls, pinning both my wrists over my head and kissing me again, scorching a path down my neck, to my collarbone. I suck in a breath, anticipating what’s coming next. His tongue flicks over one nipple as his thumb plays with the other, twisting and circling. My hips rise of their own accord, aching to meet him. Goddammit. Why didn’t I have the good sense to bring a condom with me?
His mouth closes over the peaked nipple, sucking as his hand pinches the other, causing my insides to jolt. I can’t reach his lap to grind against from this position, and I’m in desperate need of more friction. My nails dig into the skin of his shoulders, hard enough to draw blood. But he doesn’t make a sound as he switches sides, sucking the other nipple as his hand dips between my legs, anticipating my needs.
His kisses trail lower, down my soft stomach to the skin just above my pubic bone. He’s done this before, but I’m aching for his tongue on my pussy all over again. It doesn’t take long for him to sweep aside my panties and drive me wild all over again. I throw my head back, not caring about the sounds coming out of my mouth as his tongue delves into me. It also doesn’t take long for an orgasm to crash over me in waves, my whole body shaking with the force of it.
I let out a satisfied sigh when we finish, resting in each other’s arms. His hands play with my hair, his chin resting at the top of my head. Too many emotions swirl inside me, twisting until I can no longer make heads or tails of them. I shut my eyes, and the next sigh is borne of frustration.
Why did I ever think this was a good idea?
