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Ouch.
He’s not wrong about that, no matter how much the truth stings. I’m tempted to fold the way he wants me to, to text Alice that I tried but it’s not happening, to salvage the night I’ve nearly ruined. But I have that same twitchy, guilty feeling that tells me I owe Alice anything she asks of me, which makes me push harder.
“Hey, I don’t like this either. We’re supposed to finally have all the sex everyone thinks we’re having.” His expression softens a bit at that, the edge of his mouth curling slightly upward. “Look, I know you and Ben aren’t exactly speaking, but don’t you want to change that? Don’t you want to have a relationship with your brother again?”
He attempts a shrug, but his shoulders barely move. Theo still won’t look at me, and I’m getting the sense that there’s something much deeper going on.
“Is there something else you’re not telling me?” I ask. “Is there some other reason why you don’t want to do this?”
He heaves a sigh, head turning to face me. His eyes have lost their hardness, but I can still sense him hesitating. Choosing his words carefully in his mind before he speaks them. The same way I do, right before I lie through my teeth.
“No,” he finally says. “Just petty rivalries we never apologized for.”
“Well.” I push a strand of hair back from my face.
“You’ve gotta bury those hatchets at some point. Why not now?”
Another sigh escapes him. “If it’s that important to you, then fine.”
I’m not sure I’d describe it that way, especially when I have as much reason to dread going as him. Not that he knows that. Would fessing up make things better or worse for him? On the one hand, maybe he’ll feel less alone to know I’m in the exact same position as him. We can lean on each other even more. Talk through our feelings in an honest way. Support each other when our damned emotions knock us down to our lowest moments.
But on the other hand, I’ve already kept my feelings secret from him for this long. If I tell him now, would he see it as a betrayal? Maybe he never would’ve agreed to this stunt in the first place if he knew how I felt about Ben. How I still feel. Will he think differently of me if he knows? See me for the hypocrite I undoubtedly am?
I’ve most likely landed myself a first-class ticket to hell for not telling him sooner. So, why start now?
There’s a palpable tension in the air for the rest of the night. We don’t touch, not even our knees, as we watch the TV in silence. I hold my breath for what feels like hours, as if afraid to make any sudden movements. Until the credits roll, and he rises from his seat. When he reaches for his jacket, everything in me deflates.
He’s leaving.
“Do you have to go so soon?” I ask, hoping I don’t sound as hurt as I feel. “We’ve still got a whole queue of bad movies to talk through.” And an entire box of unopened condoms sitting in my nightstand drawer, but I’m trying not to come off too strong. Maybe enough time has passed that he’s changed his mind on our whole arrangement, but he did kiss my cheek when he entered my apartment. But was it a friendly cheek kiss or a friends-with-benefits cheek kiss?
“I just need to clear my head.” His hand reaches the doorknob, but he hesitates and takes one last look at me. He lets out a sigh with his entire body. “Don’t pout. You’re making it harder for me to leave.”
Then don’t.
“I’m not pouting.” I’m definitely pouting.
“I don’t want to disappoint you.” The teasing tone is gone from his voice. “I just need some time to think about all this.”
“I hear you.” I nod. “Tonight’s not a good night.” I force myself to sound understanding, but inside I’m hollowed out. I’ve ruined our night before it could even really begin. And now, as I watch his back as he leaves my apartment, I can’t help but wonder if he’s rethinking our arrangement, too.
Sixteen
I haven’t heard from Theo in ten days.
I’m somewhere between panicked and pissed, because while this isn’t like him, it’s exactly like the Theo Ben warned me about in the first place. After two unanswered phone calls and five messages left on read, I stopped trying to reach him. I learned a long time ago how useless it is to try to keep people in your life who’d rather not be there. After everything we’d been through the past couple of weeks, I only wish he had a better way of telling me as much.
Maybe I pushed him too far by asking him to go on that double date. I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to call off the whole thing. So stupid. Why did I let Alice talk me into trying to convince him?
I have no reason to be mad when I knew exactly what we’d be getting into when we started this. But any teeny trace of abandonment brings me right back to sixth grade. The careful way my mother approached me with the note my father left behind, her arm around my shoulders as my eyes scanned the crinkled paper. The way I lashed out at her afterward, like it was her fault he didn’t want to be a father. My tías crowding the table, the sympathy swimming in their eyes, the unsolicited advice I couldn’t stand.
In the end, my neighbor Miss Yolanda told me something that has always stuck with me. It was on a rare day when I found a chance to sneak out of the crowded house, an opening I took whenever I could. She was tending to her rosebush when I came outside, wearing her outdoor attire: straw sun hat and neon yellow gloves. I don’t remember much of what was said, since she often had a habit of talking at me. I do remember the acute disappointment I felt when I realized I wouldn’t be able to take a walk around the block without her telling my mom I’d snuck out.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Her voice froze me in my tracks on the steps of my house. “Don’t be so hard on her all the time. I know you’re going through a rough time right now, but so is she. Easier to love the parent who stays than hate the one who walked out. Don’t waste your energy on things you can’t change.” She paused once she said her piece. “Go on.” I’d looked up at her with surprise. “I’ll give you a ten-minute head start.”
I thought a lot about what she said, and decided she was right. It was useless to hate my dad for walking out on us when he wasn’t here to take my anger out on. I still had someone left who cared about me.
Love the person who stays.
