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I hang up and sigh, still leaning against the wall and run a hand through my hair.
She’s really not sounding anything like she did when we were together the other night. And there was certainly no alcohol involved in what we did to influence her. And the pain meds weren’t that good, surely.
I know her confidence was shot after she caught Kirk cheating, but why does she bring that guy up every time we talk? He has nothing the fuck to do with anything anymore. Is she regretting telling him to fuck off? Surely she’s not reconsidering things with him again? I push off the wall, shaking my head. No way.
She may be many things, but she’s not stupid.
We’ll talk tomorrow where I can hopefully reassure her that we don’t need to rush into things. Okay, we slept together, but we’re allowed a slip or two, or three.
I’ll do whatever she is comfortable with. I just don’t want her to slip out of my arms before she is even in them. I don’t know if I could handle losing her a third time. It’s just not something I’m willing to face.
27
Eden
Jodie and I always stay longer than we’re supposed to, even when the festivities are well under way and everything has gone off without a hitch.
There’s a real sense of achievement as I stand back to admire it all and see everyone coming together. And watching the new couple, Bree and Adam, so happy and dancing around the dance floor in the hall that we set up so beautifully with deep gold and teal green hues, makes me feel like I’ve done my job right. The flowers chosen are a beautiful arrangement of toffee roses which are light in color between toffee and camel, adding in colorful zinnias in pink, yellow, orange and purple, and beautiful pink and pastel dahlias on each table. The bridal bouquet is a mixture of the three flowers, with the toffee roses taking center stage. There’s a beautiful archway for the couple to walk through on arrival at the hall, decorated with snowberries; a gorgeous green shrub with delicate pink and white flowers, and more of the toffee roses in abundance.
The comments and feedback floating around from guests have been exceptional throughout the whole day. And I’ve heard many compliments directly; everything from the decor, place settings and the flower arrangement, to the whole ‘vibe’ of the wedding and the way the staff have been so accommodating.
That’s why I’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my work. I really want it to be a special memory for the people involved, something they can look back on and feel great about. I want it to be unforgettable.
It makes me feel alive seeing people happy and enjoying themselves.
There’s also a tug in my heart the way I ended the conversation with Brook tonight.
I felt awful as soon as we hung up. I know now I should have left that conversation until tomorrow where we could talk in person.
It wasn’t right to start hashing it up over the phone even if I have been feeling confused about the whole thing because I’m scared. I wish I could just let go and enjoy myself for once. But I can’t seem to get my brain to comprehend that notion.
Is it because I’m trying to control this situation and not let it get out of hand in case it doesn't work out again? Or worse, am I self-sabotaging?
Fear is a big emotion. And the fears I have are well and truly real, but I can’t let that overrule everything and take over when I haven’t given anything a chance. It’s been a big week, that’s what I know for sure. I don’t want to do anything as irrational as I did the night with Brook without thinking it through first. I mean, I didn’t mean to say that to him. I don’t regret what happened between us, I’m just worried. It’s not as cut and dry as he seems to think it is.
Maybe it is to him. Maybe it’s very simple.
I guess I’ll get to the bottom of it soon. I may even take a detour down to Moose’s on the way home, apologize to him for making him feel bad. He sure sounded a little deflated while I was talking to him, and that wasn’t my aim at all.
“I think we can just about call it a day,” I say to Jodie, folding my clipboard over and capping my ballpoint pen. She’s still as bright as a button with her chin-length blonde bob and an unwavering smile.
“It was beautiful,” she says. “We got some great shots too for our portfolio. You’re right about Autumn, she is a great photographer.”
Yes, my bestie was here earlier for the ceremony this afternoon. I believe she also got some candid shots of the bride and groom separately when they were getting ready. I love working with Autumn, she does such a great job and she’s easy to work with.
“I can’t wait to see the photos,” I say.
“Me too.”
We call it a night and we head out to our cars. I check my phone again but there’s no messages. Why Brook would text me after my phone call is beyond stupid to think.
I’ve probably put him off for good this time.
I guess I just see it as guarding myself. It hurt so bad that Brook and I couldn’t make things work, even though we loved each other. I’m scared it would happen again, and then what would we do? We’ve kept our friendship over the years and there’s no way I would want to lose that. We have a good thing going and a great routine for Blake, so the last thing I want to do is make it awkward.
How would it be different this time? I really have no idea if it would be, but we are older, and I guess maybe a little wiser about the ways of the world.
My cell buzzes halfway home. It’s Autumn.
