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“Really?”
“Mhm.”
“How come I never knew that?”
“I don’t know…” I shrug. “When I was with you guys, I didn’t really like bringing up my dad.”
“Is he still…?”
“A giant dick? Yeah.” I laugh bitterly. “Not that anyone else knows that. He’s the perfect father and husband as far as the rest of the city is concerned.”
“I don’t know,” she muses. “I’ve always thought he was kind of sleazy-seeming.”
I smirk. “Oh, have you?”
“It’s the eyes,” she says seriously. “You can always tell.”
“We have the same eyes,” I remind her.
She turns her head, her lips curling and her expression warm as she says, “No, you really don’t.”
I don’t know what to say to that, since I can’t really think over the current pounding of my heart, so I just clear my throat, nodding instead.
She catches me off guard when her fingers suddenly brush against my hand, curling around my larger ones in an attempt to hold them. I glance down at her hand, pausing on the ice. Her lips quirk as she cocks a brow, her index finger drawing a slow circle over one of my knuckles and causing a shock of awareness to prickle over my skin.
“This okay?” she asks, her gaze teasing. “Don’t want to do anything you can’t handle.”
I scoff, spreading her fingers and lacing them together with mine until I can feel the warmth of her palm in my grip. I give her hand a squeeze, trying to look as if the simple weight of her hand isn’t enough to make me feel restless, like it doesn’t make my heart race.
“I told you,” I say evenly, “I can handle whatever you can.”
I feel her give my hand a squeeze back, and it doesn’t escape me how not weird it is, what we’re doing. I clear my throat, trying to distract myself from how much smaller her hand is than mine, how holding it makes me want to hold all of her.
“Mei never liked him either,” I say offhandedly. “My dad.”
Immediately, I feel Lila tensing, her grip on my hand going stiff. “Oh?”
“Yeah, even when we were just dating, she said he seemed like he was just putting on an act.”
“I see.”
A quick glance reveals her expression to be thoughtful, her nose wrinkling slightly and her brows turned down as she watches the ice in front of her as she glides forward.
I slide my thumb against the back of her hand. “What is it?”
“Do you still love her?”
The question takes me completely off guard. “Mei?”
Lila just nods.
My mouth opens and then closes, trying to formulate an answer to her very complicated question.
“I—” I frown, thinking. I can practically feel the tension in Lila as she waits for whatever it is I’m going to say. There’s no reason for me to be so invested in the fact that she seems invested, but I am, I realize. I really am. “No,” I say finally. “If I’m being honest? I’m not sure we ever loved each other like that. She was my best friend. We helped each other through a lot of shit. I loved being there for her, and she felt the same for me. I think we both thought that was a good enough reason to get married.”
Lila is still watching the ice. “Oh.”
I don’t know what compels me to keep going, but I can’t stop now. “Her parents are…very old-fashioned. They’re very openly against homosexuality. Mei kept her bisexuality a complete secret because of that. I was the only one who knew.” I consider for a moment, remembering. “Looking back…I think she agreed to marry me because she thought it would be enough for her to be with someone she loved even if only as a friend. I think she thought that being with me would help her forget the part of herself she was hiding.”
