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And the only reason the insecurities have seeped their way in is that I haven’t felt like myself since he left, and Eli isn’t here to drown out the noise.
Between the miscarriage, the accident’s impact on my body, and Eli being gone, I feel a little lost. Like I’m floating around without a base to call home.
I just got cleared yesterday to start working out again. I haven’t been able to step a foot into the gym over the last six weeks. The gym is always my therapy, and I’ve needed it more than ever. My mind has been fogged since Eli left. He’s the other half to my whole, and I’ve been incomplete since he’s been gone.
There was a time just this year when I was so afraid to admit that I needed him, that I needed anybody. But the truth is, I depend on Eli. I need him in the same way I need oxygen. He’s my family and my best friend, and it scares the shit out of me that maybe his eyes have been opened to the world of endless possibilities outside of Minnesota. Outside of me.
I know that part of my funk is the lack of gym time, and of course, the lack of Eli as well, but our communication has been minimal since he left. I haven’t seen his face since our video call before his first game, unless I get a glimpse on my television screen during his games or find him in a news article written about how impressive he’s been playing.
He’s been pulled in a thousand different directions, all day, every day, and I just miss him, that’s all.
Over the last six weeks, I feel like I’ve come to terms with the miscarriage, and I’ve used it as a way to shift my outlook, to focus on our future together. But there’s a small part of me that worries maybe Eli blames me for it. Perhaps that’s why we’ve talked as little as we have, and maybe he finds me at fault for losing the dream we both wanted.
Of course, there’s a good chance I’m making this all up in my head. Eli has never once said any of this. But we’ve talked the least we have our entire relationship, and he has come up with every excuse in the book to avoid my video calls. And that just makes me think he doesn’t want to see me.
Long story short, I feel insecure battling against the rest of the world for his attention, and I’ve never felt insecure when it comes to Eli. And this is only week six. How the hell am I going to hold it together for an entire season next year?
I always thought I was strong, but I feel weak. I feel really fucking weak.
Physically I’m weak too. I just got my cast off a few days ago, and the strength in my leg is a joke. My walking pace is as slow as molasses, which is why Marc insisted on helping me pack up my dorm.
Two weeks after the accident, I moved back into my room, wanting to experience dorm life for the last month of school, but now that the semester is over, it’s time to move on.
Part of me is going to be sad to say goodbye to this little room. I have a lot of good memories within these four walls. Endless laughs with Ali, countless nights with Eli, and Marc living right down the hall.
But I’m also ready for something new.
Marc, Ali, and I discussed the possibility of all three of us moving into a house together, but the two of them decided it was best for their newly rekindled friendship to maintain some boundaries as a way to keep feelings from getting involved or even hurt.
They’ve been great friends to me and completely respectful of each other. Ali has kept the promise she made herself of not dating while she figures out what she wants. Similarly, Marc hasn’t seen anyone else either, but that has nothing to do with figuring out who he is. He knows what he wants, but she’s not ready.
I’m happy to have our group back. I need them both.
We aren’t sure where we’ll live next year, but Marc and I will figure it out. Maybe we’ll just crash at his parent’s house for our final year of grad school or find another place off-campus, I’m not sure. All I know is now that my final exams are in my rearview mirror, my first year of grad school is officially done.
And I killed it. Even after my concussion, school came much more easily to me this semester. It’s as if I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Minnesota. This grad school program. These people. All of it is where I belong.
But Eli isn’t here, so my life doesn’t feel complete.
“Last night in the dorms.” Marc leans against my doorframe. “Remember the day we moved in?”
“Of course,” I sigh, taking a seat on my bed. “We were stoked to find out how close our rooms were, and Ali was practically a dog in heat when she saw you for the first time.”
“Was not!” she calls from her room across the hall.
“Yes, you were, Alison!” Marc shouts. “You eyed me up and down like the sexy piece of meat I am!”
“I hate you!” she yells, though her tone reminds us both that her feelings for Marc are quite the opposite of hate.
“Move-in day feels like a lifetime ago.”
“It kind of was.” Marc takes a seat on the bed next to me. “Look at the things that have happened since then. You and my brother met that night, EJ is in the NHL now, and you gained a whole family in your life. That was the last day it was just you and me.”
“Thank you for convincing me to move out here in the first place.” I lean my head on Marc’s shoulder. “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“I’d like to take the credit,” Marc says, lying back with his arms crossed behind his head. “But let’s be honest here. I’m pretty sure the universe was going to put you and EJ together no matter what. Somehow, someway, it was going to happen. I just so happen to be the connection.”
