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In conclusion, Kenny, if you actually read this paper, please don’t treat me any differently. I know I’m a total sap, man, but there’s a chance I fell in love last night.
Okay, the tears are falling. I’d blame the pregnancy hormones, but I know I’d be crying right now regardless. I love this man with everything I am, and the fact that he saw me, really saw me, after knowing me for only two weeks—I don’t have words to explain how loved and seen I feel.
He saw me right away. He knew me right away. He loved me right away. It’s as if his soul recognized mine from the moment I ran into him at the hockey house, spilling his drink all over him.
It’s as if my heart said, “There it is. That’s your home. That’s your family.” And now, I get to expand our family. This thing between us, this insane amount of love and respect we have for one another, is about to materialize in the form of a baby. Eli’s baby. My baby.
That’s not scary. That’s amazing.
We’ve come so far since that day at the pond. The fact that Eli once described himself as the most selfish person he knew is wild. Especially since all he’s shown me is his selfless heart. He wanted to stay with me even after my telling him I didn’t want to be a mom, even after taking away his dream of having a family. He sacrificed all that for me.
And now I get to fulfill that dream of his.
I’d never had a support system until I met Marc, Eli, Ali, Jack, and Mary. When my dad died, and my mom got sick, it was me. Just me. And being all alone is the worst feeling in the world. The scariest feeling in the world.
But if something did happen to me, and I wasn’t around to raise this child, they’ll never be alone because they will have the most incredible family to support them. They’ll have the greatest dad on the planet, the best uncle, and the most amazing grandparents.
And at the other end of the spectrum, if I somehow mess up or fail at this motherhood thing, I’m going to have the best partner I could ever imagine to help me along the way, picking up my slack and supporting me.
This baby will be surrounded with so much unconditional love.
Being able to give Eli the family he always wanted, the family I always wanted but was too afraid to ask for, is worth fighting my fears and trusting myself. I can do this. Eli can do this.
We are going to be parents.
Holy shit.
I close my computer and lie back on my bed as the crippling fear leaves my body. I feel it run down my arms, flow through my legs, expel itself from my chest until it vanishes completely. There’s no room for that emotion inside of me because my heart is currently exploding with love.
In that letter from my mom, I remember her mentioning how she didn’t know that her heart had the capacity to hold so much love until she discovered she was pregnant. I never really understood that until now. Now I get it. Now, it feels like my heart is about to burst.
I’m tempted to read the letter she wrote me for when I have a baby, but Eli’s words have me so centered and content right now that I think I’ll save that for another day. I have a feeling I’m going to need some of her encouragement once this baby is actually here.
Placing my hand on my lower stomach, I close my eyes and bask in this feeling of excitement and joy. It’s vastly contradictory to the emotions that were coursing through my body when I was sitting in Eli’s truck outside of the doctor’s office.
I rub my hand on my lower abdomen as I try to comprehend that something is growing inside of me. My body looks no different, but I feel completely changed.
I wonder if it’s a boy or a girl? God, I hope it’s a boy. I don’t know how to raise a girl. Boys I can handle. Eli’s family seems to only reproduce boys, so I’m crossing my fingers on that front.
I hope he looks like his dad.
I hope he gets his crazy hair and his soft eyes. But, more than anything, I hope he gets his heart. It’s such a good one.
I wipe the happy tears from my cheeks, laughing to myself. I’m such a fucking crier now. Ever since this brown-eyed boy barged into my life with his ego and his tender heart, it’s like my emotions are all turned on, and I can feel everything ten-fold.
And right now, all I feel is overwhelming, inexplicable, unconditional love for this family that I never knew I always wanted.
I’m going to be a mom, and I can’t fucking wait.
Chapter 43
Logan
“How are you feeling today?” Marc asks as we walk through campus to our finance midterm.
“I feel better. In fact, I think I’m really happy. That paper Eli wrote helped shift some things. Thank you for sending that to me.”
“Let’s maybe keep that between you and me. I’m not trying to die before my niece is born. And I’m sure you don’t want your baby daddy going away for murder.”
