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Marvin clears his throat, clearly affected by Sofia's words. "Do you want to continue, Damian? Or should we hold it here?" I know he's giving me an out, but I only have six more weeks to get her to stay and even fewer sessions. He squeezed us in as a favor for his Pahkan and friend.
I shake my head and continue. "I will always regret not answering, baby. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life," I rasp and swallow the lump in my throat.
"For twelve years, I pretended my feelings weren't there. I kept trying to think of you as a little sister, and I would sleep around to prove that what I felt for you wasn’t real. After you turned sixteen, picturing you was the only way I'd get hard. The more it happened, the more pissed I got— at myself, at our families, and at you. It was wrong, I know, but I couldn't give in to my feelings. I felt like I was giving up a part of my life I hadn't lived yet, and refused to understand that my life was yours.
When I was intimate with Candice before our wedding, it wasn’t sex. I got her off, and the only reason why I got hard was because I pictured you." She tenses, but I know I must finish.
"I thought I heard a gasp, but I didn't realize at the time it was you until I saw the video you left me. I will always regret my decisions. I lost you, and I lost our daughter. I even lost my mother for six months when she realized what I had been doing.” She looks at me in shock, knowing my mother's world revolves around her husband and children. I nod. "I know you have every right, but please don't punish her for my actions, she loves you like a daughter. She's heartbroken that she can't see you and or meet her granddaughter."
More tears fall from her beautiful eyes. I take her face in my hands and wipe them away with my thumbs, then kiss her forehead, before dropping my hands onto hers.
I take a deep breath, squeezing her hands tight. "For the past three years, despite looking for you, I tried to move on; I fucking tried nearly every night." She tenses and tries to pull her hands away, but I tighten mine around hers and continue; she needs to know. "I tried to get hard, and nothing would work, even picturing you. I would get hard, but as soon as I touched a woman, I'd deflate.
I tried fingering women, having threesomes, watching girl on girl action, even had the strippers at the club grind themselves to orgasm on me, but nothing. You broke my dick, and I got pissed, and I started lashing out. Instead of sending my men to do the grunt work, I went. I was hurting because you left me, yes I deserved it, but you still left instead of fighting, and at that point I had no clue about Mila, so in my mind at the time…." I take a deep breath, hoping she doesn't smack me. "In my mind, I thought you were a bitch for leaving without fighting for me, for us, and when I went to find someone else, it wasn't the fact I couldn't get hard that pissed me off, it was the fact you broke me and I couldn't find you. After years of searching, we had no hope of finding you until your father sent me a text saying London was a bust, but you had been sighted in Texas. We weren't hopeful because we knew how much you hated the heat, but when I realized it really could be you after reading the details, I went into shock. I threw up because instead of trying harder to find you through the years, I was trying to forget you for just a few hours a night and how much I ached without you."
Sofia doesn't say anything, but Marvin fills the silence with his words.
"Do you think you were trying to punish Sofia?" he inquires calmly, but it does nothing to stop the pain in my gut.
I nod. "I was thinking that, if I did find her, I wanted her to feel the pain and suffering I felt when she left me, even if it was of my own doing, not recognizing the hell I'd put her in."
Sofia lets out a sob, and I grab her, not caring if she doesn't want me to. I pull her on my lap, placing her head into the crook of my neck, and threading my fingers through her hair.
"I'm so sorry, baby," I whisper repeatedly.
"I think you both made progress today. I'm proud of you both," Marvin states.
We both look at him, my wife in my lap, my arms holding her tight.
He continues, "You've made a breakthrough. All the heartache and pain you never got to work through is now out in the open.
I have homework for you both. Every other day, I want you to do something together; have a date, or even have a family day with Mila. I want you to see yourselves as a couple again, and as a family, too. Damian, you’d been in denial for years, and now you regret not being more open. But you cannot turn back time, you can only improve the present. You hold a lot of guilt. I want you to start forgiving yourself, because if you keep blaming yourself for the things you’ve done, your relationship will fail. You were given a lot of weight to carry; you made the wrong decision, and your wife left, but she’s willing to try with you."
He looks at Sofia.
"Sofia, I want you to work on forgiveness, not just with Damian, but also with your parents, and his family. They love you very much. Yes, they made mistakes, but you need to try and process the positives instead of the negatives at this point, and the positives would be: their mistake gave you Damian, and he gave you Mila. I want you to think of the positives of all that has happened. You met April, Adam, Bruce, Gloria, and Rachel. Many wonderful people who have shaped you into who you are now, and helped you become a strong, independent woman you like to look at in the mirror. Their mistake gave you a bigger family." He closes his book, and then states, "So, your homework is forgiveness you, dates to become a couple again, and to get the feel of it, and to ensure this is what you both want. Also, plan family outings to give you an idea of what should have been for the last three years. You both made a lot of progress. Our time is up, so I will see you in a few days."
We nod at him and thank him, then head out the back way to avoid the receptionist, whose name I don't even remember.
When Sofia grips my hand, I smile.
Progress.
thirty one
Sofia – Two Weeks Later
I'm sitting at Damian's dining room table. Even after a month of living here, I still can’t quite say “our” just yet. But I have made myself comfortable here, and placed some photos on the walls and around the house.
Baby steps.
I've just gotten off the phone with April, Adam, and Bruce. God, how I miss them. Glory, which she still hates me calling her, but she is Glory to me, all things bright and wonderful, couldn't make our weekly call because business is booming. According to Adam, she hired Rachel, which makes me extremely happy. After I say goodbye with lots of air kissing, Damian walks in and smiles brightly at me, and I smile back, my heart fluttering. Like I said, baby steps.
"How was your call, moya lyubov?" My love, he calls me every chance he can now, working his way back into the part of my heart I locked away.
"It was good. Adam and Bruce decided to adopt, Gloria's is booming, she hired Rachel, and April has moved in with Greg," I say, smiling brightly, happy for my friends. Damian smiles, bending down and giving me a quick peck. I try not to scowl; these quick pecks are pissing me off now. I want more.
Shit. I want more.
