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Shit.
"So, Sofia, last week I asked a question. Are you ready to answer it?" I feel Damian tense beside me; he moved closer when I was looking at Marvin, and a gush of air hits me as he swings his head my way. I take a deep breath. I promised I would give this a go despite the bitch out front, so I guess I must speak the truth, otherwise, this won't work. And I want it to work? Right?
"He wasn't just my lover, partner, or best friend." I feel Damian tense again, shocked that I'm speaking. So far, I've kept it all nonpersonal; speaking out about the woman out front is the first real emotion I've shown since starting these sessions. I've spoken about growing up with him and his family, my life in Marfa, my friends, and my little girl, but I have never mentioned my love for my husband or the pain he put me through. I don't look at him, though, keeping my eyes on our therapist.
I continue. "He was and is, to this day, the other half of my soul. I have and always will be bound to him." Damian sucks in a sharp breath, but again, I don’t let it deter me.
"He was my whole world, and still is, despite being a part for three years. You can't just move on from that. Well, I can't, anyway, and the thought of another man touching me intimately makes me want to hurl. It makes my skin itch. The love I felt for him, it wasn't a puppy or high school kind of love, it was consuming, from mind to body and soul. It was and is a part of me." I look at my hands in my lap, not wanting to see Damian's reaction, and keep looking at them when Marvin asks the one question I knew was coming.
"Then I ask, why leave? Why run instead of confronting Damian?"
I look up at him so he can see my answer as I say it. It's a good thing he's part of the Mafia.
"I wasn't going to; I was going to confront him. That's why I recorded what I saw." This time, I look at Damian, and he seems like he's in pain.
He states, "What the fuck do you mean you were going to confront me? You told me that in Marfa, but I thought you were just trying to save yourself. What changed? Why didn't you confront me? If you had, we could have sorted this out years ago, Sofia!" He's breathing heavily by the end, but I don't flinch. Marvin puts his hand up.
"Let her speak, Damian." Then he looks at me. "Why did you decide not to confront him?" he asks soothingly, probably hoping to calm Damian.
I look Damian in the eyes when I say, "Because I found out a day before our wedding on my birthday, after Mattia attacked me, that the baby was a she, and I wasn't going to let you and our families bargain her off like you did to me. You all used me and sold me off like cattle. You acted like my friend and manipulated me. Do you really think I would have let you do that to our daughter, Damian? No, I wouldn't have. Why do you think I had that paperwork in the first place? I told you this back in Texas. I wasn't talking out of my ass, Damian, I was telling you the truth.
Did you even know me at all? You should have known I would have confronted you. I was already planning to cut your disease-riddled dick off and skin you alive! Three years—three fucking years—and I have not been with anyone else. Can you say the same? How about we even the playing field? Then maybe you would know how I am feeling right now and have felt since I fucking left your ass?" I shout the last bit, and he pales. I turn back to face our therapist. He smiles at me.
"I'm proud of you, Sofia. You've been keeping things close to the chest since we started; this is progress." He then looks at Damian, and I know what he's about to say, and my heart drops. I don't want to hear this, and I physically start to tremble. I can't hear this; it'll break every wall I put up between me and the pain I feel.
"Damian, I know this is something neither of you want to discuss, but for Sofia to move forward and to give you both a real shot, she needs to know about the past three years. We haven't broached the subject, but with Sofia finally opening up, I think it's time you did as well, and hopefully, we can start to move forward. Take your time."
I look back at my lap. If I look at him when he says these things, then I'll either grab his gun or mine and kill him, or I'll burst into tears, and I really don't know which one I'd prefer.
Damian clears his throat, his voice full of emotion as he rasps, "I haven't physically slept with another woman since a week before our wedding." I tense, but I don't look up from my lap, letting him continue.
thirty
Damian
Fuck, she won't look at me. In all honesty, I didn't believe her in Marfa when she said she was going to just cancel the wedding and allow me to still be a part of our daughter's life. I wouldn't have let her cancel the wedding, but I still didn't believe it. I thought she was trying to save herself. I fucked up big time. My heart aches.
I look at Marvin, a qualified therapist and a family friend and brigadier. He nods for me to continue, knowing I must get this out.
"When our fathers got together with this plan, I was only twelve. Until then, I thought I would train to be Alexandr’s second, and Sergi would his sovietnik. But then they told him about his ADHD, and how his lack of focus was a detriment to leading the family. He would become my third, and I had to make a mafia princess fall for me. I was an unruly teenager, and I was pissed.
I didn't want the job, and I sure as hell didn't want to court an arranged bride I didn't even ask for." She flinches at that, and I breathe deeply, hating that I hurt her but knowing I have to get this out, so she understands. Sofia hasn't looked up from her lap, so I look at Marvin.
"When my father took us outside to meet my future bride, I was too busy scowling to give a fuck and refused to look up, all I could think about was having to be a leader and possibly losing the fun that I had just started having a year before." I link my fingers together, sit forward, and lean against my thighs. "I didn't want any of it, but then I heard this giggle and looked up in shock to see my dog, who didn’t like most people, laying on this scrawny little girl, her hair in pigtails and wearing overalls with flowers on it. I got nervous." I look down at the carpet. "She loved that dog more than me, I think, and she cried for a month when he died.” I wonder how Sofia would feel if I got a dog for Mila. I come out of my thoughts when Marvin speaks, and I look up at him.
"Why did you get nervous?" he questions.
"Because I knew this little girl would be the end of me," I say with a little chuckle and a sigh. Sofia finally looks at me with questioning eyes. I turn my body so I'm facing her and continue.
"You made my heart skip. I felt like my stomach was doing somersaults, and I could not breathe. I fell into denial. You weren't even scared of me; you grabbed my hand without a thought and attached yourself to me since then. It scared me, so I did what every idiot does and pushed the feelings aside, keeping you at arm's length, even though you had no idea.
I slept around with more women than I could count. I even had one of the women answer my phone when you called. I panicked because you never called, and I reacted badly.” I look down in shame.
Sofia speaks in a rasp, making me look up. "I called because that day is the day Mattia tried to rape me for the first time. I was finally going to tell you what was happening, but when she answered, I thought it was useless, so I kept quiet and cried myself to sleep."
I hang my head as she wipes her tears as mine form. Shit, I can't breathe.
We sit silently for a few minutes while I process what she just admitted.
