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But I need this. So, whatever.
All I seem to be thinking about now is how to go about contacting Stefano's family - and who to call first. I will start making those calls this afternoon after work. There is no point in overthinking things and delaying the inevitable. Elena needs the transplant now so I will find a way to get it for her.
I down the last of my coffee and toss the empty cup into the recycling bin in the passage as I walk briskly toward the patients' wards where my team will be preparing.
On the way there a doctor falls in line with my steps, matching my speed.
"Good morning, beautiful." He grins and wraps his arm around my shoulder pulling me into a side hug. He chuckles. A warm, friendly laugh that has many of the other nurses swooning.
"Good morning, Doctor Slate," I say politely.
"I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but you can call me Trevor." He laughs again. "I heard the news about Elle. I'm so sorry."
I nod, it gets exhausting with so many people making the same comments over and over again, and offering the same sincere apologies, every single day.
I don't reply because I just don't have anything to say.
"Listen, after the last surgery this afternoon, let me take you out for dinner? An early, relaxed dinner. Or I can cook something for you - whichever you prefer." He asks, not for the first time. He has been a huge flirt since the day I started working here. In the beginning, I just thought he flirted with everyone that way, but soon it became obvious that it was just me he was so friendly with. He's such an incredible man and gorgeous too, but I just - I can't.
I can't even imagine being with someone else after Stefano.
My heart still aches at the thought of him. It aches constantly and I can't tell if it's because I miss him or because I am terrified of him.
But regardless of what causes the pain, no other man has managed to draw my attention in any way. Even the good-looking doctor who never stops trying.
"Not tonight, Trevor. I'll be sitting with Elle."
"You are allowed to take a break you know. You'll be no good to Elle if you burn yourself out."
"I won't get burnt out. It's just that there isn't anywhere that I'd rather be than with her."
He nods, a sad but gentle smile on his face. "I understand. Next time maybe."
I just smile. He knows I will say no next time too. Because I've said no every time.
"I'll see you in surgery then. I just need to stop in at my office and grab some things." He steps away from me, and I carry on towards surgery.
The constant flirting can be draining too sometimes, but at least he is nice about it. Some of the other doctors here are real arrogant dickheads. I've heard complaints from the other nurses and I am relieved I don't have to be on the receiving end of those doctors.
At lunch, I visit Elle and my mom. Elle is sleeping again; she seems to always be sleeping lately. I guess she needs as much rest as she can get.
"How has she been today?" I ask my mom.
"We read her favorite pirate story, and she ate a little food. She seems happy today."
"Happy?"
"You know, not in as much pain." My mom shrugs slightly, then stands up to give me a hug.
"Sit down, honey. I got you a toasted chicken ciabatta."
"I don't know if I'm hungry."
"I don't care if you're hungry. You need to eat or you'll fall over."
I stare into my mother's eyes and realize that I am her daughter as much as Elle is my daughter and she is a grandmother watching her daughter and her grandchild suffer.
I take the toasted ciabatta from her hands and say, "Thank you, it looks really amazing actually."
