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‘Oh, he’s my new, best friend now,’ Diana laughed. ‘I’ll admit to being very relieved.’
My admiration for my sister grew even more at that moment. The Diana of a few weeks ago would never have done such a thing.
After all the excitement, we decided to go to the final evening event in the theatre. It was the night Diana had mentioned days ago, when the dancers had a well-earned rest, and the passengers took over with their talent show. We were all looking forward to it a great deal, wondering what previously unsuspected abilities would appear that night from our fellow cruisers.
The theatre was almost full by the time we got there, but our Texan friends Betsey and Cyn were already seated at their reserved table and waved at us to join them, which wasn’t easy because it meant the seven of us were seated around a table designed for six.
Stone ordered some champagne which felt very decadent, and a few minutes later our old friend Dick Dainty came trucking onto the stage again to his trademark music, looking sharp in a blue velvet jacket and very cheerful.
‘Shipmates! Fellow travellers! Friends!’ he called out. ‘Here we are, on our last evening together and I can’t believe I will be saying farewell to such a lovely group of people. On behalf of the whole cast and crew I’d like to thank you for being the best audience we have ever had. And I’m not just saying that. I know some are staying on, but for most of you, this will be goodbye until the next time. And there will be a next time, I’m sure.’
He held out his hands towards the audience and adopted a sad, slightly beseeching expression, like a hungry puppy hoping for treats. He was of course rewarded with an enthusiastic round of applause and his characteristic, beaming smile returned.
‘And now we have what I always think of as the highlight of the journey, not us entertaining you this evening, but far more exciting. You are entertaining us. And I had a funny feeling right from day one, that there is a lot of talent in our midst. So many people wanted to be included. You’re in for an incredible treat this evening, I don’t think you will believe your eyes when you see what I have lined up for you.’
‘I bet he says that to all the girls,’ Evelyn muttered, causing me to splutter with laughter.
‘So, let’s get going with our cavalcade of comedy, our pageant of playing, our spectacle of singing. And we start off with Derek and Dorothy from deck 4 with one of my all-time favourites, “Something Stupid”.’
Derek and Dorothy, who up until then had been recognisable by their matching fleeces and sensible shoes, came on having raided the ship’s dressing-up box for a white tuxedo and a flowery ball gown and sang so enthusiastically into each other’s faces that we could see Dorothy’s hair moving in the breeze.
They were followed by a comedian – Jim from deck 5 – who had obviously read Les Dawson’s book of lugubrious mother-in-law jokes, and then a pair of tap-dancing sisters – Maureen and Susan – who must have been in their sixties and a bit heavy-handed with the blue eyeshadow, but they were as nimble-footed as teenagers. It was absolutely marvellous.
‘I think we need another bottle,’ Stone said at one point after we had cheered Jeremy the Juggler from deck 6 off the stage.
There was a bit of a lull as a couple of stagehands scurried around picking up the things Jeremy the Juggler had dropped. After that, an upright piano was wheeled on from the wings and a young woman in a huge sweater with Zombie embroidered across the front – although she seemed to have forgotten her skirt – came on to loud applause and much whooping from her companions, to play – much to our surprise – ‘Great Balls of Fire’. She really was excellent.
‘I wish I could do that,’ I said wistfully, as we applauded her off the stage. ‘I should have kept on with the piano lessons.’
‘I don’t think it would have made much difference. I remember Dad threatening to glue the piano lid down when you were practising ‘Minuet in F Major’ for your grade 1 exam, and I was no better. I wonder what we could have done with our talents?’ Diana said.
‘When Mum gave you a recorder, Dad threatened to start working weekends. I don’t think there is much call for watching a couple of pensioners hoovering or ironing,’ I said.
‘Perhaps not,’ she giggled, ‘anyway I’m just nipping to the loo, all this champagne is doing me no favours.’
A couple of crooners came on after that, with tributes to Bing Crosby and Dean Martin, where the latter very convincingly sipped from a whisky glass throughout his performance and at one point almost fell off his stool.
‘I met Dean Martin, you know,’ Evelyn said. ‘He came to an embassy dinner in Washington, and he was practically teetotal. It was all an act.’
Then there was a very unconvincing ventriloquist with a sock puppet and some googly stick-on eyes that he might have borrowed from the winner of the fruit carving, and finally, two elderly men in short tunics who did a very slow sand dance. We all agreed that they were probably left until last because of all the handfuls of sand they had scattered across the stage.
‘Wilson and Keppel, I believe,’ Evelyn said. ‘Maybe I should have offered to be Betty?’
‘What were they doing?’ Cyn asked, absolutely gobsmacked.
‘I think it was a very successful music hall act in the 1930s,’ I said.
‘You don’t say?’ she murmured.
That wrapped up the evening, and Dick Dainty nimbly negotiated the stagehands who were still sweeping up behind him, to bring proceedings to a close.
‘I was right, wasn’t I, me old salts? What a wealth of unexpected talent! Thank you to all our singers, dancers, comedians, and that chap with the sock. Come on, let’s show our appreciation with another round of applause. Now then, the night is still young, enjoy the rest of your evening and thank you for being such a generous audience. Don’t forget to leave your suitcases outside your cabin doors tonight so they can be collected. Only if you are leaving us at Athens, those of you staying on for more adventures, ignore what I just said, or you’ll find yourself in a right pickle! The last newsletter will have details of the disembarkation. Where you need to go and when. The crew will be around to help you out, and the shuttle buses will be there ready to take you either to the airport or on your last excursion. Goodnight and Godspeed and bless your hearts!’
Dick trucked off the stage to loud applause and Evelyn and I turned to each other.
‘I’m exhausted after all that. So where is Diana, I wonder?’ Evelyn said, eyebrows raised. ‘She’s been ages. Do you think she’s saying her own goodbyes to the handsome Raphaël?’
‘Either that or she’s got lost somewhere. It doesn’t take this long to find a loo,’ I said.
