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“That allows for any imaginable sex act in the known universe,” Mak mutters.
“Come here, Nisi,” Viro coaxes the confused beast out the door along with him. “You and I aren’t welcome here.”
“So,” I sigh once we’re alone, tipping my head to look at him right side up. “We wait for amma’ka to start now, correct?”
“You might be waiting,” he says. “But I need to summon it…”
“Is there something I could do?” I ask.
We both know there are many particular things I could do, if touch was on the table. Even a bit less clothing might do the trick. But I wouldn’t want to risk triggering the bad thoughts by stripping down, and he would never ask me to.
“No. It should come naturally. If I relax, your presence should do all the work for us.”
“You’ve been stressed by much more than our relationship recently,” I say. “Does that make it harder to get into the right mind frame?”
I climb onto the bed so that it’s easier to have a conversation. I face him with my legs tucked under me, and if I focus on his face, I could almost imagine he’s lying there casually. We’re just a normal couple, having a normal chat in the bed they share.
“Yes and no,” he replies. “I’m so accustomed to stress that I wouldn’t know what life would be like without it.”
“You make it seem effortless. I don’t know how you do that,” I say, hoping a bit of babbling will help him focus less and feel more. If I could tear a page from Mak’s book, then maybe the memories that haunt my mind wouldn’t matter so much.
“It started out as playing pretend,” he muses. “It’s like how you act when you see Kaye. You perk right up, acting like things are improving.”
“I only do that because she cares so much. I don’t want to disappoint her,” I sigh.
“Now imagine that everyone you know was as worried for your mental state as Kaye,” he says. “Every single person pinning their strength and happiness on yours. Being loved is wonderful, but it also makes every one of your little weaknesses feel like a burden that isn’t yours alone.”
“I want you to know you never have to feel that way about me,” I tell him. “Shouldn’t your partner be the one person you are vulnerable with? I can’t give you everything in this relationship, but I can give you that.”
“You give me everything I need.” He gazes at me with affection I don’t think I’ve earned, but I treasure the way it feels, nonetheless. What have I given him, aside from headaches and problems to solve? “I’ll try to do what you’re asking, but I might need reminders now and then.”
“Then let me remind you right now,” I say. “Let it all go. You have nothing to be strong for; you only need to be yourself.”
“Being myself and reaching amma’ka are not quite the same thing…”
“What do you mean?”
“The ‘mating beast’ as we call it, can have a mind of its own. I’ve been suppressing it for so long, I hardly know how to let down that wall,” he explains. “I’m honestly afraid of releasing it at this point. What if I frighten you? What if I lose my hold on it completely?”
“Hence the restraints,” I remind him.
His gaze slides toward the ceiling.
“We don’t have to do this,” I say. “This is all because you don’t want to force me or make me uncomfortable. But the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable on account of my needs. Respecting my boundaries shouldn’t come at the cost of crossing yours.”
Those bright eyes ping back to me. “I’ve never been more comfortable than I am right now.”
“Don’t exaggerate,” I tease to ease the tension.
“I’m serious,” he goes on. “Sometimes it feels like you’re a thousand lightyears away from me even when we’re in the same room. It’s not your doing; it’s something we’ve done together. You keep a tight hold of your heart, and I leash myself for your sake. At least now when we’re working together, I can feel close to you. We don’t have to touch to do that.”
“This is your chance to unleash yourself,” I say.
“You don’t mean that.”
“You can’t possibly frighten me in your current condition,” I assure him. “What are you going to do with no arms and no legs to use? Flirt me to death?”
“You don’t know the power of my tongue yet, wife.”
