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“I’m sorry, Rae,” he whispers as his warm lips brush against my temple. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Ezra’s hands wrap around me, one against my arm and the other holding my waist as his thumb trails back and forth. He doesn’t dare move, doesn’t make a peep, just simply lays there with me as the grief tears through my chest, shredding it to pieces with its vicious talons.
I listen to the steady beat of his breaking heart—the only sound that could offer me just a scrap of solace in this cruel world—until finally, exhaustion claims me, and I fall into a broken, cold sleep, dreaming of the woman who promised to always be right by my side.
But that’s the tricky thing about promises—they give you a false sense of security. In reality, things like time can’t be promised because how long we get to walk this Earth isn’t a choice. At any given moment, all of it can be ripped away and broken, promises be damned.
11
Raleigh
This is officially rock bottom.
Who would have known, two years after dropping out of college and being forced back to the hometown I always vowed never to return to, I’d be nothing more than a wreck, living out of the back of my car.
Fucking pathetic.
Happy birthday to me, I suppose. Twenty-four has never looked so good.
These past two years have been insufferable. I’ve been angry, and every day I find a reason to blame Axel for all the shit in my life, for all the hell I’ve had to suffer through, despite knowing he did nothing but chase a dream. And that realization only sends me spiraling further.
Life has a way of kicking you when you’re down, and in the past, I’ve had people around me who’ve been there to help pick me up, but now . . . I’m all alone.
I tried. I really did, but after Axel’s funeral, I just . . . couldn’t. Getting out of bed was impossible, and it didn’t take long before I was called in to meet with the dean. She offered to give me time, to put my studies on pause and come back to it next semester after I’d had time to grieve, but the idea of spending another day in this place that was supposed to offer me freedom suddenly left me feeling more caged than ever. I walked out of that office and waved goodbye to everything I’d worked my ass off for.
My college degree had already begun slipping out of my hands, and I suppose I helped it on its way down. Axel had been paying my rent up until then, and while Madds did everything she could to try and make it easier for me, I couldn’t put her under that kind of financial strain, especially so close to finals.
The desperation, grief, and fear of the unknown were too much, and despite everything, I packed my bags and found my way back to the town I vowed to never see again. The town where I experienced the best and worst times of my life. The town that holds the greatest memories of my mother and the darkest ones of my father I’ve never dared to speak out loud. It was the town I first fell in love, the town where I had my heart torn to shreds, and the town that forced me to spread my wings and take flight. It was almost ironic how the cruel world left me as a crippled bird with no choice but to return to its viper-filled nest.
I had more than my fair share of fears when I realized there was nowhere else for me to go, but all I needed was a few weeks to get back on my feet. I thought if I had just a little bit of familiarity, just long enough to find a job and save some cash, I’d be able to get out of there with most of my sanity intact. I should have known better, but desperation makes us do crazy things and make foolish choices.
That town never felt like home after the boys left.
Then after watching my father leave for work, I ransacked the home that left me broken, grabbed what little cash and supplies I could find, and since then, I’ve been struggling just to survive.
I’ve worked day shifts as a waitress and then raced across the street to start my second shift for the day in the only dive bar willing to hire me. The tips were shit, but at least I was able to eat. Showering and laundry? Well, that’s a different story.
Most nights, I crash in the back of my car, and on the odd occasion where the tips are somewhat decent, I splurge and get myself a room in the shitty motel across town. The beds are hard and lumpy, and I can’t always guarantee that the sheets have been washed, but I get a decent shower and a chance to relax in a way I can’t do from the backseat of my car.
It’s nothing special, nothing to be proud of, but it beats going back to that house, and I’d take the struggle a million times over submitting to the devil.
Every few months, I move around and find a new town, never able to find somewhere to settle. Ever since I lost Axel, I’ve felt like a hopeless soul, destined to wander without a purpose, and damn it, it makes me so angry. Before him, before Ezra and the band, I wanted to be something. I wanted to do good in the world, but I’m broken beyond repair, and I don’t know how to claw my way out of the darkness. I’m barely surviving, and all I want to do is scream.
Don’t get me wrong, every now and then I find the courage to laugh and smile again. It never lasts long, but it’s always enough to give me what I need to keep going, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dim that light might be.
Today, the dim light is the ice cream cake I’m going to splurge on. It’ll probably leave my lactose intolerant body hunched over a toilet later as a big fuck you, but it’ll be worth it. I hope.
I stand in the bathroom mirror of the shitty motel I found late last night. The bed is just as terrible as I expected it to be, but at least the door offered a dead bolt, and the TV had more than one channel to occupy my lonely night.
Most of the time, I do what I can to avoid social media. I have my phone, and while it’s nothing special, it allows me to keep in contact with Madds and check up on Dylan and Rock every now and then. Truth be told, I haven’t responded to many of their texts lately. They don’t tell me how Ezra’s doing, and I don’t dare ask, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that I’d wondered on more than a few occasions.
Losing Ax would have hit him just as hard as it hit me, and while a part of me hates myself for what I said to him at the funeral, I can’t bring myself to regret it.
The words I said to him repeat in my head a million times a day, and while it kills me every time, nothing guts me more than remembering the haunted emptiness in his eyes before his security team escorted him out. Axel’s death killed him, but my ruthless rejection burned him to ashes.
I needed him to feel my pain. I needed him to hurt, and hell, I think I still do.
I have too much anger, too much to blame them for, but since Axel’s not here to take the brunt of my wrath, I have no choice but to let it eat me from the inside out.
