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I have nothing left to lose. I can’t have Beau, so why lie about this? I’ve always been honest with him, except for the one thing I have to hide.
“Because I can’t have you,” I answer, “so I punish myself with ones who’ll never compare.”
I don’t get this anywhere else in my life. Only with Beau am I really me, am I really alive.
He turns his head, his brow furrowed. “Why do you punish yourself over us? We’re not a sin. We’re a secret.”
“Don’t you?” I ask. “Don’t you punish yourself with shallow one-night stands? I see you. How no one gets close, no one’s a distraction. You have a big heart, but you won’t share it.”
“That’s not true.”
“You found someone?”
Why does that hurt? And why do I care?
Why? Because I know Beau. He doesn’t date. He’s a forever man. He’ll commit if he ever finds a woman he trusts, one who makes him laugh and love. He’s just waiting. He won’t be distracted now, but later?
He’ll be hers. Always.
I just hope he never finds another man, one he can be open with. I won’t survive it. I won’t know how to breathe.
“No, I haven’t found anyone,” he answers. “I find my fun. I got my kinks. When we win, I reward myself with a night with a French maid, a dirty schoolgirl, or both. That’s it.”
“That’s it?” Fuck, he stirs my cock. “A maid and a dirty schoolgirl? Damn, I never knew. Do you get the schoolgirl all dirty for the maid to clean, or are they just into you? Gimme all the nasty details. Do you spank them for being bad?”
He laughs in the dark. “Yes, and fuck no. This is what I mean. You’re my distraction, Hawke. We need to sleep.”
And this is what knowing someone half of your life and loving them, too, gets you. When we’re alone, we’re a hundred percent real.
“I can’t.” I grind into the mattress like it’s his bunk bed. “Your kink made me hard.”
“There’s Kleenex in the bathroom.”
“I don’t want Kleenex.”
“I’m out of Puffs.”
“I don’t want Puffs or pussy either.”
I let the silence hang, heavy and wanting like my leaking cock.
“What do you want?” he finally asks, his deepening, gruff voice arousing me more.
“Something a dirty maid or a naughty schoolgirl can never give me.” I growl low, “Something real fucking hard and manly and thick like me.”
Again, we let the silence torment us. I can hear his breath changing. Then, I hear him rustle before tossing the sheets aside.
There’s plenty of light through the window. I can see his hungry eyes aimed at me. He’s taken his boxers off. His naked and proud erection angles hard, hovering long and thick over his carved abs for my touch.
“Then be a man and come and get it,” Beau orders as he does on the field, and I move just as fast.
I’m on him. I’m taking my chance. I don’t even tease.
I’m too hungry, too crazed to finally taste his cock in my mouth, and when I do, our loud groans could crack the walls, erupting from years of holding this lust back.
“Oh fuck yes, Colt!” Beau cries out, bowing his back, then thrusting his hips. “Fuck yes.” He palms my skull like a ball, controlling my mouth. “Yes, fucking suck me. Yes, baby. That’s it. Be my man. My dirty man. In your throat. All the way. Fuck yes, suck my hard cock.”
And fuck yes, I do.
