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Chapter Ten – Ash
I was out of the tub and in a fresh set of clothes, laying on my bed when Declan came home. He must’ve been at the hospital, for he had no backpack slung across his taut shoulders. My new phone was on my lap, and I stared at it, as if it would suddenly light up and give me the answers to it all.
I should really call Kelsey back, tell her this weekend was a no-go, that I had plans I couldn’t cancel…
Having her here while Ray was nearby was asking for a shit-ton of trouble I wasn’t certain I could handle. I mean, I was barely handling all of this. How much more weight could my scrawny shoulders handle?
Declan moved to sit on his bed, his dark eyes staring holes in me even though he sat a good eight feet away. “How’s the new phone?” he asked, though I could tell by his tone of voice he didn’t really care. This was the small talk portion, the part before we got into what he really wanted to talk about.
“Fine,” I answered, biting the inside of my cheek.
“I was with Will,” he said.
Ah, there it was. “Yeah?” I asked, breaking eye contact. How the hell could I look Declan in the eyes when I knew for a fact I was the reason Will was in the hospital? Ray had stabbed him, knew I’d go straight to the hospital when I found out, and he waited for the right moment to strike.
Still, a car didn’t really seem like Ray’s style, but at this point, I thought better than to assume I knew everything about him. Lying, manipulative, sociopathic. Ray was the textbook definition of a fucking sociopath, and I’d fallen for him like the idiot I was.
“He asked about you, which I think gave our dad the wrong idea, but…” Declan shrugged. He ran a hand through his brown hair, messing it up as he went. “He wished you were there. I told him I’d bring you tomorrow.”
At that, I had to turn my back to him. As I lay my head down on my pillow, clutching my phone to my chest, I muttered, “You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.” Going to the hospital to visit Will would be his death sentence.
I would not be the reason that man died. Will was a good person. He wasn’t like Sawyer or Travis. He and Declan were both good guys; why couldn’t they see that they should have someone so much better than me? They deserved better. They deserved life, not a premature death at the hands of my ex.
Declan made not a sound after I said that, and I closed my eyes, hoping that he got the hint that I didn’t want to talk. I especially didn’t want to talk about Will. Going to the hospital to see him? Hell no. I wouldn’t—
“Why are you acting like this?” Declan’s voice was suddenly above me, and I opened my eyes to see him leaning over my bed, his hands on the sheets around me. His face was just a foot above my own, and he stared intently down at me, his lips slightly parted. I hate that I noticed. An expression of concern lingered on his face, and it made my heart ache.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt any of them—except maybe Sawyer. And the jury was still out when it came to Travis—but Declan? He might’ve blown up at that party, but he had never done anything to hurt me. He was kind, understanding, and…
And so very close to me, hovering almost.
If I closed my eyes again, I could focus on his musky scent. I could almost forget about the shit going on…
Almost, but not quite.
“I’m not acting like anything,” I whispered, refusing to roll over, fearing what Declan would do if I did. Grab me and kiss me again? Just like he’d done at the hospital, what he did after Will left? Kissing him was a dangerous thing to think about, especially when I needed to push him away.I feared things would only escalate from there. What if he kissed me, and I couldn’t stop myself from doing more?
“You are,” Declan said, slowly crawling onto my bed with me. He didn’t touch me, and yet with each passing moment, he got closer and closer. “You’re not acting like yourself. Is it because of what happened? Ash, the police will find whoever hit you and—”
A stupid decision, but I rolled away from the wall, facing him. Declan sat on the edge of my bed, leaning over me, his dark brows lightly creased in worry. “It’s not about that,” I said, feeling tired. So tired. Would I ever not be tired, or would this be my perpetual state until death took me? What a shitty way to live a life.
“Then what is it about?” Declan begged. “I’m not going to let you pull away from me, Ash. Not now.”He sounded so sure of himself, so confident. A switch from the hesitant and shy Declan he was when I first met him.
I sat up, and our faces were now less than six inches apart. I could feel his warm breath on my face, and I hated that I wanted to close that distance and kiss him again. “You don’t get to decide what I do,” I told him, my voice trembling. “You’re not my boyfriend. You’re not family. You are just my roommate.”
A muscle in his jaw clenched. He’d been neglecting his shaving routine since Will and I found ourselves in the hospital. The stubble made him look rougher, wilder. I liked it. “You aren’t just a roommate to me, and I know I’m not just a roommate to you. Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me.”
“I’m not—” I was going to say I wasn’t lying, but Declan must’ve had other ideas. He leaned in closer, pressing his lips against mine harder than I thought he was capable of. I lost myself for a moment, drowning in the heat rising in my gut, in my need to feel him more. Every inch of his skin along each inch of mine, have those lips traveling lower until they reached the one part of me that had been so neglected since coming to Hillcrest.
Oh, God. Yes. That was what I wanted, but it was something I could never have.
It took everything in me, but I pushed him away. I pushed him away and glared at him, my lips warmed from his, even after the separation. “No,” I said. “I can’t be with you.” I couldn’t be with anyone until Ray was gone. Maybe then…
Then what? Then I could sit down and really lose myself in introspection? Declan wasn’t the only guy I had feelings for. I also felt something toward his brother, who’d been attacked because of me. Travis had a place in my heart too, despite what he tried doing to me and in spite of the fact I’d taken Sabrina’s journal from his desk. And fucking Sawyer? Somehow, that drunk prick had a tiny spot there as well.
The truth was, if Ray was ever taken care of—and I had no idea how something like that could ever happen—I’d be fucked, immobilized by the choice I’d have to make. I might’ve cared for them all, but there was no way I’d get to keep them like a litter of kittens.
A litter of sexy, broken kittens, but still.
