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Then again, I was at the point in my life where I wasn’t even sure who I really was. Ray had me for so long, it was hard to see myself as a separate entity.
If these guys saw me for who I really was, if Declan saw the real me, would he even want to fight for me? Would I be worth fighting for, or would he just let me go willingly?
“Forget what I said,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. When I closed them, I saw headlights, nothing else. For a quick, almost imperceptible moment, it was like I was there, on the road again, being hit by that same fucking car. My eyes flew open, and I fought the panic setting in.
No panic attacks today.
I focused on my breathing, doing my best to forget Declan’s presence, and especially the way he stared at me, as if I held the answers to everything in the universe.I didn’t. I wasn’t that special, an I sure as hell wasn’t that strong.
“I can’t,” Declan said, staring at me all the while. It was as if he could see only me, nothing else in the room. “I can’t forget it, because it doesn’t make sense.” He waited a moment before adding, “I told the police what you said.”
That caused me to glare at him. “You did what?” He told the fucking police everything I’d said? Oh, great. Now they’d look into me. What if they found something to do with Ray? What if they found out everything I was trying to hide?
“I told them what you said, because I was confused. I didn’t know if you were talking about what happened with Will, or…” Declan shrugged helplessly. “You were hit by a car, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about what you said. Over and over, it replayed in my head. It was all about you.”
Fuck me. I never should’ve said any of that. I leaned my head back on my pillow, staring at the sterile white ceiling, biting my tongue.
“If someone’s after you,” Declan said, his voice gaining a firmness that made me snap to attention, “I’m not going to sit back and let them hurt you. I sat back and took it for the last year, but I draw the line with you. I won’t let anyone hurt you, Ash. You mean too much to me.”
His words were almost enough to bring tears to the eye. Almost, but not quite. And it wasn’t just his words, it was how he said it, too. The way every word was pronounced, how his jaw muscles clenched and his eyes slightly narrowed. I believed him, but then again, Declan had no idea just who he was dealing with.
In a fight between Declan and Ray, Ray would win.
Which was exactly why I could never let Declan enter the ring in the first place. He’d only get hurt, beaten down, maybe even killed. I didn’t want to live in a world that Declan wasn’t a part of, even if Declan was no longer in my life or my heart.
And, unfortunately for me, he still took up residence in that dark, dank place.
Never thought I’d fall for any of the rich, uptight guys at Hillcrest, but here I was, fallen for not just one, but multiple. I was fucked every which way, wasn’t I?
“Stop,” I whispered, mustering up the courage to sound like a bitch. Ice cold, my words like knives. “Just stop.”
Declan blinked. “What—”
“I don’t need you to protect me, Declan,” I practically spat out his name, hating myself all the while. I turned my gaze to him, sending him an expression I hoped was a glare. “I never asked for your help.”
“That’s what people do who care for each other,” Declan said. “They help even when the other person doesn’t ask—”
Again, I interrupted him, “Did you ever think that maybe I don’t care about you as much as you care about me?” Holy hell, I…I hated saying the words, and yet I couldn’t stop myself. I kept picturing Declan on the floor of the bathroom, cut open, left for me as he bled out. His skin pale, his body unresponsive.
Call me stupid, call me mean and awful, but I couldn’t let anything like that happen again.
Declan’s dark brows furrowed, and his mouth dropped open. He clearly hadn’t expected me to say anything remotely close to that, and I didn’t blame him, because it wasn’t so long ago that I told him he’d never lose me. My own promise made me into a liar. “Ash…”
I blinked, turning my head in the opposite direction, refusing to let him see me tear up. “Just go.” When Declan made no moves to get up, I muttered, “Please, go.”
Declan must’ve stared at me for a while, waiting to see if I’d change my mind or take back what I said, but I wasn’t going to. After a minute, he got to his feet and left, saying not a single word as he closed the door to my room.
Ray was going to destroy everything in my life anyway. Why not get a head start? Why not start isolating myself now? It might just save their lives.I was at the point where I didn’t think myself savable.
Or, maybe, it only prolonged the inevitable. There was a chance Ray would go after them regardless because he’d seen us together.
This life…my life wasn’t an easy one. It was hard, harder than I ever thought it would be. Sometimes I wanted to give up. There were days when I wondered if it was all worth it, if I’d ever truly break free of my past, and then there were days like this: horrid, terrible, gut-wrenching days that made me face the truth.
I could never run from my past. He’d always find me, no matter what.
Chapter Eight – Declan
Did you ever think that maybe I don’t care about you as much as you care about me?
