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Exactly the kind of look I willingly believed time and time again, even after he’d shown me his other side at Sawyer’s first party. He’d gotten so mad, hardly acted like himself. I’d forgotten about it, mostly because he never acted like that again, but what if he was like that? What if that was the real Declan?
What if Declan wasn’t a precious cinnamon roll but instead a lying, conniving master manipulator? What if he was just as much of a monster as Travis and Sawyer were, but he did better at hiding it? I didn’t like thinking it, but I couldn’t help it, especially after realizing what Travis said made sense.
I set the bag on the counter in the kitchenette area. I got our food out while Declan finished vacuuming, saying nothing. Tonight I’d gotten us subs, but I wasn’t hungry. Not anymore. If anything, I wanted to throw up what little I’d eaten for lunch.
Declan was behind me instantly, gently touching my back, “Is everything okay?” He sounded eager, sincere, but I knew just because someone sounded sincere didn’t mean they actually were.
I tried to act unaffected by his touch, tossing him a smile. It was strained, but I hoped he took it for face value. “Yep,” I said, trying to sound peppy and happy. “Everything’s fine. I’m starving.” I grabbed my turkey sub and made my way to the area on the floor where we usually ate.
Declan watched me with his brown eyes, eyes that I always thought were kind and tender, yet now I wondered if it was a show. He took his sub and came beside me, plopping down a mere six inches from me. When he shifted his weight, our knees touched, and he didn’t try to move away.
I hated that Travis had gotten to me. The thing I hated most of all was that his words made sense. The doubt would eat me alive, and I wished I could rewind and forget about it—but another part of me was annoyed. Shocked and annoyed that I could’ve possibly fallen for Declan’s act.
Was it an act? I didn’t know, but I’d find out.
As we sat there and ate, listening to the TV, one question rang through my head, a question that had nothing to do with whether or not Declan had staged it all: how did Travis know exactly where I was on campus?
This place, these guys, they were driving me crazy.
They might kill me, or they might leave me even more broken than I started out as.
Chapter Nineteen – Declan
Ignoring everyone else around me was turning out to be easier this year than last year. Last year everything was still fresh—and don’t get me wrong, it still hurt—but this year, I had other things to focus on than the eternal sorrow gripping my soul. I had someone else.
I had Ash, even if I didn’t have her quite like how I had Sabrina.
Sabrina was my first love, my only love until…I wanted to say until now, but I wasn’t sure if I loved Ash or not. I guess a part of me always worried whether or not I was projecting my feelings for Sabrina onto Ash. If I said I loved her, did I? Did I love her, or did I just want to have Sabrina back?
It was messed up, and I hated knowing Ash was involved. I hated it, and I needed it. I needed Ash here. If she wasn’t…I honestly couldn’t say what I’d do. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Whether or not my feelings for Sabrina were being projected onto Ash, I knew Ash was the only thing keeping me grounded, the only person in this whole campus keeping me sane.
Hillcrest. I couldn’t care less about the prestigious university. I didn’t care my dad was the dean or what well-paying job I’d get once I got out of here. After losing Sabrina, it was hard for me to turn my eyes toward the future and wonder what my life would be like in ten, fifteen years. A small kernel of me wondered if I’d even live that long.
I sat in class the next Monday, typing away as the professor lectured on. Most of the other students around me were taking notes. Sawyer sat a few rows above me, and I bet he watched me. I bet he wasn’t taking notes. I bet he just sat there, his legs apart, glaring at the back of my head like I was the enemy.
I didn’t kill Sabrina, and I hated that he turned everyone against me. It sucked having no friends. Yeah, I had a brother who would do anything for me, but it wasn’t the same. The only person I had was Ash, and last weekend she just felt…distant. She wasn’t acting right, and regardless of how many times I asked, she kept saying nothing was wrong. I might’ve been a lot of things, but I wasn’t stupid.
“The justice system,” the professor droned on, “as much as we want it to be perfect, perfect it is not. Sometimes even the tiniest of things can mean a whole case is thrown out. Have any of you been watching the news?” He always tried to get students to participate, and no one ever wanted to.
A student sitting in the front rose his hand, and for a few minutes, he and the teacher spoke like they were the only ones in the room, as if none of us existed. Teacher’s pet. They spoke of something happening in our own state, but I wasn’t paying much attention. I was itching to get back to the dorm, to corner Ash and demand that she tell me what’s wrong. We couldn’t go on like this. If we were friends, which I was pretty sure we were, it meant telling each other when something was bothering us.
Friends told each other their secrets, or at least I thought they did. I was discovering now that the ones I’d thought were my friends might not have ever been my friends at all. They lied to me, kept things from me.
The class period was a few minutes from ending, and it was as the professor was letting us pack up early that I saw Sawyer practically rush down to the podium, where he leaned on it and talked to the professor. I wasn’t going to pay any attention to him, but the professor called my name shortly.
“Declan Briggs,” he said, gesturing for me to come down. “Can you come here for a moment?”
I felt my stomach drop, and I zipped up my laptop before heading down. At least three feet between Sawyer and I at all times, even now. I stood off to the side, one hand on the strap of my backpack.
“Laptops are a privilege, not a necessity,” the professor spoke, staring squarely at me. I had no idea what he was going on about, but I knew it had to do with Sawyer. “Sawyer here says you’ve been doing some…” The professor coughed. “Inappropriate things on your computer while in class.”
I had no idea what he meant by inappropriate, but knowing Sawyer, it had something to do with certain sites that would download a ton of viruses onto your computer the moment you went to them. “I only take notes,” I said, knowing it was useless. I hated handwriting my notes; I always had. Sawyer knew it.
This…this was just low. Stupid.
“I think, maybe, it would be best for everyone around you if you started taking notes the old-fashioned way,” the professor said, and for the first time, I noticed hardly anyone else had left the lecture hall. The students who sat near me stayed…to back up Sawyer’s story about me going on inappropriate sites during class? “Trust me, your wrist won’t fall off.”
He was trying to joke, but the joke fell flat, and I only stared. “Okay,” I said. “No more laptop. Got it.” I said nothing else as I turned on my heel, leaving the lecture hall as quickly as I possibly could.
