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“Declan,” I said, breaking the silence that was only full of us flipping notebook pages, “I have to tell you something, but I don’t want you to get mad.” It was probably a useless want; he’d get mad at me either way about the date with Sawyer. Why would he not? I could still remember how he acted at that party, and that was from a picture of Sawyer and me together. I couldn’t imagine how he’d freak out when he learned we were going on an actual date.
On dates people held hands, hugged, kissed, all that good stuff. Now of course I planned on not doing a single thing like that with Sawyer, but Declan didn’t know that. I’m sure he thought I would throw myself at Sawyer like a sex-crazed fanatic who hadn’t had sex in years. I mean, it’s been a while for me, but not that long.
Declan’s back straightened, and he was slow to turn to me, his dark eyes cloudy. “What is it?” he asked, his voice low, as if he anticipated something really, really bad. A date with Sawyer would probably fall under that category.
“I, uh…” God, why was it so hard for me to come out and say it? I was never one to beat around the bush. I went straight to the bush and tackled the damn thing usually, but this was…this was a lot more difficult, mostly because I didn’t want Declan upset with me. I also didn’t want him to spiral. He’d been doing pretty well lately, but I knew that when depression was in the picture, you had good periods and you had bad periods. It was a roller coaster.
Shit. Might as well just throw it out there like word vomit.
“I have a date with Sawyer tomorrow.”
Declan’s stare turned hard, his lips thinning. He was shaving more often now, which let me memorize the smooth planes of his jaw, the way the corners of his mouth ticked when he was trying not to say something. I’d been around him long enough to know he wasn’t happy with me. I couldn’t blame him. Sawyer was, for lack of another explanation, his worst enemy, his ex-best friend, the vengeful brother of his dead girlfriend.
Sawyer was everything Declan didn’t want to be reminded of, and here I was, telling him I was going on a date with the man.
It felt like an hour passed when in reality it was only a minute. “Say something,” I practically begged.
“Why would you go on a date with him?” His fingers curled around the wooden back of his seat, his other hand tightening around the pen he held onto, nearly cracking the plastic. It was a question that deserved an answer, but I was too caught in the judgmental look he was giving me. Not disappointed, not mad exactly…almost resigned, like he knew all along this would happen.
And you know what? I took offense to it.
“He took my skateboard and refused to give it back unless I went on a date with him,” I said in a rush, feeling my own emotions swell inside of me, a sea of prickling, cool annoyance and irritation. Who was Declan to get upset? I was my own person, my own woman. There was no bro code between us. I could date who I damn well pleased.
Still, a good friend would know without saying that Sawyer was off-limits. And he was off-limits to me…I literally just wanted my skateboard back. Was that so wrong?
“I looked for a replacement, but I can’t find one,” I added. Not one I could afford, not one that was the same. I’d spent the last two years with that skateboard. We’d bonded. It was mine. I wasn’t going to rest until I had it back in my hands.
“I’ll buy you a new one,” Declan said, not an offer. More like a demand. He would rather spend money and buy me one than have me go anywhere with Sawyer.
“No,” I told him, and he glared sharply at me. I wasn’t going to let him spend any of his or his parents’ money on me. I wasn’t a charity case; I didn’t need his money to get out of this. All I had to do was make nice a little bit with Sawyer. Easy-peasy. “I’m going, and I’ll get my skateboard back—”
Declan was frowning, the creases around his eyes only adding to the resigned and devastated look he gave me. “And then what? You think it’ll end there? You think he’ll give it back to you? No, it’s only the beginning. He will lord that skateboard over you for as long as he can. He will use it to use you, Ash. Don’t you see that?”
I supposed he did have more experience with Sawyer than I did. He knew how his ex-best friend operated. But I could handle him, just like I could handle anything this college threw at me. I wouldn’t be broken or used by any of the guys here, unless I wanted to be.
That…that almost sounded like I wanted to go on a date with Sawyer. I didn’t. Did I? I mean, yeah, he was nice-looking, in a preppy rich boy kind of way. Not really my type of guy, however I’d be lying if I said my body didn’t react to his at all. In that bedroom, I’d wanted nothing more than to give in and let him show me just how good he was with his body…
No. This date would not be like that. I wouldn’t let him come that close, and if my body started to crave his, I’d excuse myself to go to the restroom and yell at my horny vagina. At the rate she was going, she would need her own name soon.
“I will get it back tomorrow night,” I stated, meeting Declan’s dark eyes. “Nothing will happen on the date. It isn’t like I want to spend time with him. I just want my skateboard back—”
“But spending time with him is the first step,” Declan muttered. “If you spend enough time with someone, you’re bound to start to like him.”
I let out a laugh. “Guys and girls can spend time together without falling in love. They can be friends, acquaintances, enemies.” The list could go on and on, but when I noted how Declan’s expression had changed, my voice stopped. The way he stared at me, it was like he was right next to me, not ten feet away at his own desk. It was like I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, and I felt my thighs clench together.
The way he looked at me right then, it was like no one else in the world existed, nothing outside of our room. The only thing that mattered was this, right here and right now. A part of me hated the way he stared at me, but most of me liked it. The selfish part of me liked it.
My life at Hillcrest couldn’t be easy, could it? It just couldn’t be simple. Go to class, do my homework, take my exams, rinse and repeat until I finally nabbed a good job from one of the recruiters. Nope. Not me. I had to be stuck in this weird, twisted revenge scheme, smackdab in the middle of three different but equally handsome guys that all made my body go haywire.
“Don’t go,” Declan whispered, his voice so soft I barely heard it. A desperate plea to me, one last try to make me feel…guilty? To make me not want to do it? To draw me to him instead of Sawyer?
This was too much, too confusing, and the area between my legs was a bit too warm just from a fucking look.
I wasn’t a virgin. I shouldn’t have wet panties from a heavy-lidded look.
I opened my mouth to say “I have to.” The words hurt coming out, and the expression Declan gave me right then only made me feel worse. My heart nearly broke looking at him, almost shattering as if I was watching myself break his heart.
Ridiculous, because regardless of whatever look he gave me, Declan did not care about me. He called me Sabrina in his sleep not too long ago. That pleading, desperate look was meant for a dead girl, not me, just like the feelings inside of him. He was projecting, but I wasn’t the correct target…which was why I couldn’t listen to him. I couldn’t let it be.
