Page 24 of Loser


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A part of me wanted to see how far Sawyer would go. If he was certain Declan had killed Sabrina, would he murder Declan himself? Would he resort to something physical, or would he use his money to hire an assassin? A contract killer, someone who did this for a living. So far, Sawyer had been somewhat content in making Declan’s life miserable, but I knew most people could only hold back for so long. If Sawyer wanted Declan dead, Declan would die. Where would that leave Ash?

I sent that picture tonight because I didn’t want Ash in Sawyer’s grip. I wasn’t certain whether or not she was different than everyone else here. Would she see me for who I was? I…I surprisingly wanted her to. I wanted Ash to see past the masks I wore. I wanted her to know me for me, not who I masqueraded as. Was it so wrong to want someone to love me for who I was? Sabrina hadn’t been the one.

Ash was…not the kind of person a guy like Sawyer was used to being around. Even the locals around here weren’t quite like Ash. She’d basically come from nothing; without a sponsor, without a scholarship, there was no way she’d ever be able to afford to come to Hillcrest University, even if she took on loans. She basically came from dirt, and yet there was an air of confidence about her, the way she held herself…it was anything but assured and cocky, not like how Sawyer was. Ash knew who she was; it was more than I could say for a lot of people around here, Sawyer included in that number.

I’d done a bit of research into her, found her high school, her social media profiles. She had a history of serious pictures with her skateboard and her various hair-dyeing journeys. She had a single friend, Kelsey Yates, who liked and commented on anything and everything Ash posted. It’s what friends did for each other nowadays, apparently. Looking good followed by those smiley faces with the hearts for eyes. I found the ritual annoying, but Ash seemed to like it.

Seemed being the operative word there.

She seemed to enjoy it, just like on the dance floor she seemed to be enjoying herself with Sawyer. I knew how easy it was to pretend—and I recognized the glimmer in her eyes. Ash was more than what she seemed to be, which intrigued me to no end. I needed to know what she was really like, needed to know if an obsession was even warranted. To do that, I had to show her just how ugly Sawyer really was.

I propped my feet up on the chair across from me, staring at the moon. The sky was clear, and I could see all the dark gray craters on the rock in the black sky. I liked gazing up at the night sky, at all of the constellations. It reminded me that we weren’t alone, that there was a big, wide universe out there; it humbled me, and I was not one to be humbled.

After filling my lungs again, I took the cigarette out of my mouth and held it off to the side, tapping it to break off the burnt, ashy end. I exhaled slowly, deliberately taking my time. Smoking wasn’t good for me, but as I saw it, a lot of things weren’t good for you, and people still did them anyway. Alcohol could severely impair judgment, and people still drank it in spades. You could get infected any time you get a tattoo, too. My body was riddled with those. They were the one thing I actually liked about myself, go figure.

I heard the backdoor open, and I didn’t turn my head to see who it was. Time had escaped me while I was outside, smoking and gazing up at the moon, so I had no idea what time it was now. I needn’t have thought much about it, for the person who’d come from the house and moved to sit beside me was the girl in question herself.

Ash.

Pretty, strange, beautiful Ash.

She plopped herself in the chair beside me, breathing a bit harder than was natural. I had no idea if the grinding with Sawyer had worked her up so much, or if he’d taken her somewhere private and fucked her. I’d ask him about it later, after the party was done…but I sincerely hoped it was the former. If she was with Sawyer…

Fuck. I didn’t know why, but the thought bugged the shit out of me. I didn’t want her to be with Sawyer. I wanted her to be with me—which was ridiculous, because I didn’t yet know whether she was good enough to be with me.

Ash stretched out her legs, glancing at me. Her clothes looked unruffled, her hair mostly untouched. She didn’t look like someone who just had sex, which made me feel a little better. Selfish, stupid me. She reached for my hand, the one with the cigarette, and I handed it over to her, watching as she took a puff, then immediately began to cough.

“Shit,” Ash said, giving it back to me. Our fingers brushed together, a jolt of electricity traveling through me. Her fingers were so much thinner and softer than mine were. “Forgot how much I hate that.”

I returned her comment with a grin. When silence overtook us, I took another puff before asking, “Enjoying the party? I assume Sawyer’s been inviting.” My skin felt itchy now; I knew the only cure would be to feel every inch of her flesh on mine. The rest of her body had to be as soft as her hands…or maybe even softer.

“Sawyer is…” Ash started, quickly trailing off. She ran a hand through her hair, turning her gaze up at the moon. Strangely, right now I couldn’t care less about the moon; all I could stare at was her. “He thinks he owns everyone, doesn’t he?” She measuredly returned her gray-eyed gaze to me.

“That’s one way to put it,” I said, shrugging. Sawyer owning people didn’t seem too far off the mark. Everyone at Hillcrest practically fell over themselves to please him; students and faculty alike. If there was a King of HU, it would be Sawyer.

Her next words startled me. “I don’t like it. I don’t like people like that. Money isn’t everything. If something ever happened and his family lost their fortune, I doubt anyone would lift a finger to try to help him.” Ash’s tone was vehement, and I couldn’t blame her. If something happened to Sawyer’s family, I probably wouldn’t do much to help, just like she’d said.

But I was a cold-hearted son of a bitch. Sawyer was…not like me. On the surface he was, but deep down? Deep down he was a decent guy. Right now he was just drowning himself in hatred and rage, not to mention his desperate need for vengeance.

Ash shifted in her seat, tossing me a look. “I don’t want to talk about Sawyer.”

I nodded along, letting her lead the conversation. If she didn’t want to talk about Sawyer, what did she want to discuss? Me? Herself? The goings on of Hillcrest? Or maybe that serial killer everyone’s talking about?

“Let’s talk about you,” she said. “Tell me about you, Travis.”

I grinned, taking another puff of my cigarette. “There’s nothing really to tell. I’m nowhere near as interesting as Sawyer. I’m just…here.” I exhaled through my nose, a smoke puff curling before my face. I’d much rather talk about Ash than me.

“See, I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re more interesting than Sawyer. You seem more real to me than him,” she said, and I had to hold in a chuckle. More real? I was no more real than anyone here. Maybe my mask was that good—or maybe I’d given Ash far too much credit. It was a moment before she added, “But there is something about you that I can’t put my finger on.”

Ah, maybe she deserved all the credit she got.

I met her stare in the darkness. “And what something is that?” I pretended not to notice the way her gaze traveled along me, taking in my bare arms, the tattoos on them, and my legs. She liked how I looked, which was good…because I liked how she looked, too. Attraction was the first step.

“I’ve known a lot of people, dated a lot of guys.” As she went on, I felt a muscle in my cheek clamp shut; I didn’t like hearing about her and other guys. “Some were nice, most weren’t. I know from past experience that you can’t know what’s going on in someone’s head unless you’re that someone.”

I wasn’t quite following what she was saying. My cigarette was near gone now, and I dropped it to the pavement below, its ashy end turning to embers and falling apart. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that sometimes it’s the pretty boys who are the worst liars, but you’d never be able to tell just by looking at their face,” Ash said, gazing at the moon once more.

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