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“I don’t…”
“Listen, I don’t actually give a shit. I just wanna see if you’re gonna start being honest with me at some point, or with yourself. That’d be a start.”
“I, um, don’t…know. I was blackout for a ton of them.”
“Ballpark it.”
“Um. Somewhere around…wait, oral shit too, or just sex?” She rolled her eyes, and he took the hint. “OK, oral shit included? Probably somewhere in the ballpark of, and I’m estimating here: five…maybe five hundred-ish, maybe?”
She got up off the bed and put a hand over her mouth. “Wow. OK. I was not expecting that. Oh my God. Yeah, that’s just not normal behavior. Over how many years?”
He held up five fingers.
“That’s almost 100 girls a year, Ryan.”
“Not exactly.”
“Huh?”
“Guys, too.”
“Jesus Christ, Ryan!”
“You think I’m proud of this?” He got up from the bed. “I’m sorry. I fucking hate me. So much.”
She reached out and grabbed his hand, noticing the tears welling up in his eyes. “I kinda feel bad for you, Ryan. You’re clearly searching for…something.”
“Yeah. She’s standing right in front of me. You hate me, too, don’t you?”
She shook her head. “No, Ryan. I don’t hate you. Am I disappointed in your behavior? Yeah. But I think you and I just have to…if we’re gonna do this, we may have to rethink things a bit.”
“So, you’re not done with me?”
“Ryan, this is the most fucked-up relationship I’ve ever been in. And I’m divorced from a man who got his coworker pregnant. It’s obvious neither of us knows what the hell we’re doing here. A conventional relationship isn’t gonna cut it for us. Nothing about us is conventional. We just might need to, I don’t know, play around with some other options.”
“I don’t follow.”
“What if we try an open relationship?”
He made a face. “Explain it to me like I’m an idiot. Because clearly, I’m an idiot.”
“It’s where we’re ‘together’, but not limited to just each other.” She could see the wheels turning pretty hard. “Ryan, it’s where we can both fuck other people but still come home to each other. I’ve always thought I’d be up for it with the right person. Looking back, my ex apparently thought we were already in one.”
“Um, Amara? I kinda don’t want you fucking other guys.”
“Yeah, well I’m not crazy about you fucking other girls either, Ryan.”
She saw the sadness in his eyes. “What if I just try harder?” he said softly.
“It’s not that easy. You’re not gonna be able to keep it in your pants, and maybe…I shouldn’t ask you to.”
“I kept it in my pants for three weeks. Just worth noting again. Yes, there was some inappropriate online activity, but I kept it in my pants. I mean, I may have smacked it a few times…”
“Ryan?” she interrupted.
“Yeah?”
“Stop talking.”
