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Tagging Sev had been hot as fuck, but she had a point.
The other conversation that took place was the cheating with TK, a conversation that just about broke Hayes. Dr. Rosa asked Ryan to look at Hayes and tell him exactly how the cheating had made him feel, both times, as she considered what happened in the private room at the strip club cheating as well.
But it wasn’t the dredging up of those cruel, drugged-up half-memories that shattered Hayes’s soul; it was Ryan’s response that did it.
“I hate that it happened, but I could overlook the fact that you hooked up with him. Sometimes sex is just sex, and no one understands that more than I do. The part I’m struggling with is that you turned to him for support when you should’ve turned to me. And I don’t…”
Ryan paused, trying his best to maintain his composure but ultimately losing the battle.
“I don’t think it was entirely your fault, Hayes. I didn’t…I wasn’t there for you the way I should’ve been. You never should have needed to turn to him. I should’ve been there for you. And I’m sorry…that I wasn’t.”
“Rook, no…”
“Ryan, you cannot blame yourself for the decisions that he made,” Dr. Rosa explained. “Regardless of what you did or didn’t do, Hayes still did what he did, and it’s important for him to take responsibility for that. Do you take responsibility for the decisions you made with TK while high on drugs, Hayes? Do you understand the emotional toll this has taken on Ryan?”
“Yes. A thousand times yes. And I’d fuckin’ sell my soul to the devil if I could take it all back,” he whimpered. “If you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you, Rook. In any way possible. I don’t…me without you? It’s not even an option for me. You’re my fuckin’ everything.”
She let them both cry for a bit in silence, observing their body language and interpreting it. And what she’d ultimately gleaned from it was that these were two broken men who were still very much in love, and who, though they had some things to work through, were going to be just fine.
As she wrapped the meeting, she gave them a homework assignment for the next session. “I’d like you both to write down what your life together would look like if your addictions weren’t getting in the way. Present, future, doesn’t matter. I want to see what you both envision for yourselves. Ryan, it was lovely to meet you. And Hayes, I’m off for the holiday tomorrow, but I’ll see you in two days for another round of coping skills. You’ve done really well with the first round, and I’m proud of you. I’ll walk you both out.”
They got up and followed Dr. Rosa out of her office, both of them knowing their time together was limited to this counseling. Hayes, as outlined in the rules of his inpatient treatment, wasn’t permitted to have visitors.
When they got to the end of the hallway, she turned to them. “So, I’m supposed to walk you out to the exit. But, um, I think you can find your way there. Just walk slowly,” she said with a wink and turned to leave them alone.
“Plans for Christmas?” Hayes asked as they made their way, leisurely, to the front exit. He’d wanted so badly to grab Ryan’s hand but held back.
“Not much. Mar was starting to have some contractions this morning, so we, uh, we might have a baby in the house sooner than we thought. It’s crazy. She isn’t due for another two weeks.”
Hayes gulped, remembering his conversation with her that night over a week ago. “Wow. Yeah, that’s…crazy.”
“Yep. And there’s no point in me going home. I have practice the day after and then we play the Panthers the day after that. I’ll probably go home over the All-Star break. How about you? Big plans?” Ryan smirked, Hayes smirking right back at him.
“Oh yeah. Huge. Meetings, workin’ out, and probably jerkin’ off in my room thinkin’ about your sexy ass at some point.”
“Is that right?”
“Remember about this time last year? When I gave you my Isles jersey and what happened afterward?”
Ryan nodded. “Like it was yesterday.”
They were approaching the exit and security was monitoring their every move.
“Rook?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m still yours, OK? I never won’t be. The minute you decide you’re ready to forgive me, whether it’s ten minutes from now, ten days from now, or ten years from now, I’m yours, Rook. Whenever you want me. I’ll wait fuckin’ forever if that’s what it takes.”
“Hayes, say goodbye,” the guard near the desk told him. “No visitors besides therapy sessions. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know that. Alan,” Hayes muttered. He turned toward Ryan. “Anyway. Merry Christmas, Rook. Let me know what’s goin’ on with Mar and we’ll talk soon, OK?”
“Of course,” Ryan replied quietly, his bottom lip beginning to quiver. “I really don’t…wanna leave you here.”
“I know. But I’m gonna get better, baby. I promise you. Yo!” he yelled, turning toward the desk. “Look away, Alan!” Hayes reached out toward Ryan for a hug and was quickly met with his embrace in return. “I fuckin’ love you, kid. So much.”
“I love you, too.” Ryan whispered, pulling away tearfully. “We’ll talk soon. I gotta…go.”
