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“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.
I shake my head vigorously. “Never. Not ever.”
He doesn’t say anything, so I say it louder.
“Never ever ever, Adam. Never.”
“Okay,” he whispers and kisses my forehead. “If you change your mind, I’ll listen. I owe you that.”
I nod, but brokenly repeat, “Never.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been so fucked up. I’m trying. Trying not to be. I promise I am.”
I nod again, unable to form speech.
“I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to give you what you need. And it kills me. It really kills me,” Adam adds. “I owe you so much, Chloe. You’ve been incredible all these months since it happened.”
I squeeze him tighter.
He keeps talking. “You’re too young, too vibrant for the life you’re stuck in now with me,” he says softly. “This broke me. I know a lot of people bounce back and find new purpose, but this really fuckin’ broke me and I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know if I can be the man you deserve.”
Hearing him choked up, vulnerable, it cuts like a knife.
“W-we d-don’t have to figure it all out tonight, Adam. You’ll bounce back; I know you can do it. Just can’t shut me out. I’m here for you, okay? But be here for me, too. Please. Even a little.”
He lets out a long sigh. “I hope you know that I love you.”
I manage to nod. But I don’t know if I’m being honest here, because I don’t know if he does love me. Like he’s just said, I don’t know if he’s capable of the love I need after all he’s been through. I just don’t know.
He says nothing for a minute, so I put my hand to his face and give him a soft kiss.
“What can I do to make this better?” he asks.
“Just this is enough for tonight,” I manage and snuggle in closer.
I’m holding the arms of my office chair so tight my knuckles are white. My eyes are on my screen and I’m seething at seeing him hold her like that. I want to rip his fucking face off. I want to take her and keep her where nobody but me can touch her like that. I want his blood. I want to ruin him.
I pull air in and let it out slowly, counting backwards from a hundred. Dr. Jones used to tell me to count back from ten when I felt like I would snap, that I’d find calm before I got to zero. Ten won’t cut it tonight.
Kenny told me the fiancé left with his brother with an overnight bag on Friday, so I had him slip in while she was with me so he could wire the place. Not only do I have their cells bugged because of a remote hack, now her house is bugged, too. He wired her office, his office, the bedroom they share, and their main living space Friday night. He also installed software on both their computers that’ll be helpful going forward and slapped a tracker onto her car when it was parked at the condo Friday night.
I’ve been watching her mope since yesterday. Mope. Cry. Pace. Clean. Right now I can make them both out easily with the night vision setting and the sight of her sleeping in his embrace is making my goddamn skin crawl.
That she’s pouring emotion into him infuriates me. All that emotion isn’t about him anymore; it’s about me and what I admitted to doing. That emotion is mine. She’s mine. And I don’t want his fucking hands on her.
I’m mostly calm by the time I get to thirty, because I manage to tell myself she needs time. She needs more proof of who I’m gonna be to her. She needs things she’ll get from me. Only me. I finish counting down anyway and then I keep my eyes on the screen until there’s no noise or movement for half an hour before I switch it off. I shed my clothes and get into the shower, staring at the drain with my hands braced on the tiles as the water hits my skin.
Adam Hallman doesn’t get to keep her.
Chloe Turner is going to be mine. Wearing my ring on her finger. Sleeping in my bed. I’m gonna fulfill every sexual fantasy in that blog and beyond. She won’t want for anything. Not affection. Not emotional support. Nothing.
I don’t want to wait. I want her now. But I need to play this the way I play everything. Like chess. But instead of winning for bragging rights, I’m going to take my queen. And keep her.
“Can you just… there. Like that, yeah,” Adam grunts.
I feel my back twinge with protest as I help him the rest of the way into his wheelchair.
“I got it,” he says, then pulls himself the rest of the way in.
