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Emily
September on campusis always bittersweet.
For the last month, I was hiding away at my parents’ house. They came home halfway through my stay there, which of course only made it worse. Going home as an adult is a strange thing. You’re not the child you were when you used to live in that place, and yet you still feel all of those things. It’s complicated, difficult, and I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there.
And yet I didn’t want to go back to school. It just felt like, everything I had with the guys would be totally lost and gone forever if I left my parents’ house somehow. I don’t know how to explain it, but if the summer ended, whatever was left of that magic would end along with it.
Summer has that effect. It’s a strange combination of freedom and desire, heady and intoxicating. It created something where something may not have been before, and if you give yourself to it, summer can take you places you never dreamed of going before.
School is the winter though. It’s closed in, cold, a constant fight. I don’t want the winter, I want the summer.
But that’s not how life works.
I sigh, leaning back on the bench. My friend Molly cocks her head at me.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I say. “Just thinking about something.”
“Thinking about that cute guy in mythology?”
I grin at her. “Yeah, right.”
“Come on, he was totally staring at you.”
I just smile and shrug. I have no interest in college boys anymore, I suddenly realize. A year ago, I’d be freaking out, trying to figure out how to get him to ask me to a party or something, but I just don’t care anymore. I got a taste of something real with five real, incredible men, and I just can’t go back to these boys.
Maybe one day, when enough time’s passed, and I can forget just how sweet it was. Maybe then I can find someone my own age, my own standing, and maybe I can start a traditional family. I’ll give up on the nontraditional family I was imagining with my guys, and move on to something else. Something that pales in comparison, but still, something.
“Well, I gotta go,” Molly says, standing up. “Gonna go steal some food from Johnson. You want to come?”
“No, that’s okay,” I say. “I’m gonna stay here until my next class.”
“Okay. See you later.” She smiles and waves, heading away.
I sit there and watch people pass. I don’t know what I’m waiting for or what I want, but I just can’t help but stare.
I feel like I left a part of me back at that house with Henry. I haven’t heard from my brother since he kicked us out. My parents said that he’s traveling, but didn’t get more specific, and I didn’t ask. I think they know something happened, but clearly they don’t know what, and I’m not about to tell them. It’s a weird enough situation without their judgment piled up on top.
I wish Henry would talk to me. I know I ruined whatever chance I had at having a normal relationship with my older brother, but I still can’t help but hope he’ll get over it and call me. Or at least that he’d yell at me some more or something. It’s the silence that’s driving me insane, just hammering home that I hurt him, and hurt him badly.
I assume he hasn’t reached out to any of the guys, although I haven’t heard from them. I saw Ryan on TV the other night, which almost killed me, but I brought that on myself. I bought the tennis channel just to watch him, which of course was a stupid idea.
And James added me on Facebook. I debated accepting, but in the end I couldn’t help it. We haven’t spoken or messaged or anything, and I doubt I ever will. He’s a symbol of something that I left behind, as badly as I want that thing still. It’s gone, far away. From what I can tell about his profile, he’s in New York working on new paintings. I hope I get to see them one day, but I won’t hold my breath.
I wander the campus. There’s not much else for me to do. I keep getting flashes of what could have been: Aiden’s confident smile, Daniel’s hands on my skin, Carter’s infectious laugh, James’s sultry stare, and Ryan’s cocky teasing. I could have been smiling, laughing, enjoying whatever there is to enjoy in life with these five men, all of whom adore me.
But I passed it up. There was a moment back there in the motel room, a moment I keep thinking back on. I could have done something, but I was so upset about how things went down, about what we did to Henry, I just couldn’t bring myself to speak up. Instead, I turned my back on them, and I think that’s what destroyed it.
But I think I could have salvaged it. I think they were all ready. Maybe it’s a hard thing to do, outside of the fairy tale magical place we were living, but I think they wanted it. I had to show some interest, say that I wanted it too, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t. I had the chance to take what I really needed, but I let it slip away.
I still can see their disappointed faces. I think they all wanted me to make a move, to prove to them that I was worth it, but I couldn’t do it.
And now here I am, back on campus. It’s a pretty nice day, a little brisk, but the sun is high in the sky and there’s no wind. People mill around wearing backpacks, talking in little groups as squirrels run across the brick walkway, heading up along the trees.
For a city, Penn’s campus is surprisingly forested. I mean, not really a forest, but more trees than you’d expect. It’s a little oasis in the city really, a place where we can pretend like the world doesn’t exist and doesn’t affect us, at least for a little bit.
I head back toward my apartment. It’s a ten-minute walk off campus, but I don’t mind it. I love walking through the city, seeing people, getting reminded that I’m not alone in the world. It feels good to be in the middle of all the movement, losing myself in the crowd. I feel a part of something but also completely anonymous, and sometimes that’s a good feeling.
