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Well, fuck me. Stab a guy in the gut, why don’t you?
I’ve tried not to let on how different I’ve been feeling these past few years, but it’s not like I can hide all the physical effects. I used to be in great shape. Like run a marathon, climb a mountain, swim a few miles in the ocean shape. But I’ve lost muscle and weight, now a reduced version of myself. Early on, I started to smell bad because of the fluids not being properly filtered through my kidneys. Thank the universe the odor went away once I began dialysis, but that came with its own body-image issues. Now, there’s my fistula, an ugly, twisting bulge on my forearm where I have to hook myself up to the machine.
So, yeah, I’m not going to win any modeling contracts. But I’ve been hoping that, since Holly only knows what I’m like now, she might still find me attractive. She doesn’t have the past version of me to compare this sickened form to.
Guess I was wrong.
“Okay. I get it. I won’t make a move.” I turn to leave.
“Fucking. Dumb. Ass.” When I glance back at Jasper, he’s glaring at me again. “It’s not because she thinks there’s something wrong with you. It’s because of the exchange. She’s probably worried, if anything happens between you two, that it won’t work out. And then what happens with the kidneys? Does her brother still get one?”
“That’s crazy. Fred wouldn’t back out of the exchange.”
That earns me a scoff. “You kidding? Your cousin would do anything you asked him to. He worships the ground you shit on.” He shrugs. “Besides, she hinted that it’d happened before.” He holds up his hand when I open my mouth. “I don’t know the details. You’d have to ask her. But, if she’s been screwed in the past, then she’s probably being cautious. And having sex with the guy you’re giving your kidney to is not exactly recommended.” Then, he hits me with his evil grin. “Of course, if she’s going to be inside you, it’s only fair you get to be inside her.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
Jasper just laughs, causing him to choke on his next bite of bagel, which in turn has me snorting. Then, we’re both chuckling, and the tension eases out of the room.
“So, what’re you saying? What should I do?”
I don’t know why I expect Jasper to have the answers. He’s not really Mr. Relationship. But he has this way about him where he seems to see everything that’s going on.
“Play the long game. Show her you’re reliable. Earn her trust. Be a friend. Then, maybe she won’t be afraid to date you. But, if you try going all in right now, she’s gonna bolt. And the only thing you’re going to get from her is a kidney. No pussy.”
I shake my head. “One minute, you’re relationship Mr. Miyagi, and then you go and ruin it.”
My roommate leans his head back on the couch, eyes closed, wicked smile on his mouth. “Gotta keep you guessing.”
I mull over what he said.
Go slow with Holly.
I can do that. I don’t want to; I’d rather pull her into my bed where we can spend the whole day exploring each other with our hands first and then our mouths. But, according to Jasper, Holly isn’t ready for that kind of invitation. And I want more than just sex. I want all of Holly, including her friendship. So, I’ll just start with that and keep my hands to myself.
Snores fill the room. I let Jasper sleep this time. Carefully, I slip my phone out of his slack hand before heading back to the kitchen to make breakfast. And I decide that a good friend would text Holly back.
Ben: Glad u made it home safe. Have dialysis @ 2 today. Stop by if ur not too tired.
There, that’s perfectly friendly.
I can do this. I can be just friends with Holly.
And, if I repeat that enough times, I might start believing it.
HOLLY
The responsible thing would have been to go to the library, claim a table, and settle in for a serious study session. But I promised Pops I’d spend time on Saturdays doing something fun. Ben fits that category.
Not that I’m planning on doing him.
We can do fun things together. With our clothes on. Because we’re friends.
I get off a city bus two blocks from the house, stomach light and fluttery from excitement. The air is crisp, even colder than last night when Ben dropped me off at work. I didn’t experience the chill at all when he was shouting about how beautiful I was.
Working after that was easy. And lucrative. I don’t think it was just my skimpy dress, though there were some comments from regulars. What had people coming back to me repeatedly was the silly grin I wore all night.
“Is something wrong?” my boss, Curt, asked when he saw me.
