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I decided then and there that I didn’t want my babies falling victim to the same shit I had, so I was open and honest with all of them. I didn’t hold back anything but was open and blunt to the point that there were no hidden meanings behind anything.
It became an almost weekly thing, but I was still not involving Alyssa in these talks, not yet. Me and the boys would video chat, and it became a kind of therapy for us and a way for all of us to heal together, I guess.
At this point, I had stopped talking to Corbin at all; it was just too hard. I hadn’t heard his voice for about three years and made sure the nanny or housekeeper was always the one to answer the door when he came to pick up Alyssa for their weekends together once the boys were gone.
But now, she was twelve, and there was no more nanny, and with everyone else gone, the housekeeper only came three days a week, which was plenty. I remember the first time I saw him, I was hyper-vigilant.
I wanted to assess my feelings to see if anything was still there. I was shocked to find that I was still in love with him and that most of the anger and hatred I’d been carrying around had dulled somewhat. I won’t say that I was too pleased with this realization.
I didn’t say anything, of course, but it was obvious that he was shocked to see me after all this time. I greeted him politely and said goodbye without asking about him or his life because I really didn’t care to know.
For some reason, that first meeting seemed to open the floodgates, and we started talking more and more. That’s when he told me that he never stopped loving me and that he and his wife were not intimate, which pissed me off because he fucked her while we were married, and now he was too guilty to have sex with her because of guilt.
We started going to therapy together behind everyone’s back; that was my idea. I needed to know if he was being honest with me, and we needed to know where we went wrong. We were never intimate because he was a married man, and I was not about to become my husband’s mistress.
When he told me back then that we were going to be together again one day, I believed him. But I’m a devious bitch. I wanted to make her suffer while I was working on myself. You’d have to live in my head to understand my mindset.
I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself, and I wasn’t about to rush shit just to end up back at the same place. Besides, there were kids involved, mine and hers. My kids hate her daughter, but as an adult, I saw her as a child whose mother had turned her life upside down as well.
The first thing Corbin and I did was get him on these pills that lower libido in men. I wanted to make sure that he never slept with that bitch ever again. Now see, my thinking was that I had gone without sex for the last eight years of my marriage because of my own trauma from childbirth, and she’d fucked my husband behind my back.
As for his part, he’d dipped his dick in crazy just because. In all fairness, we were both wrong, but she had no place in our lives and should have stayed her ass off my husband’s dick. So, for the past eleven years, at least, I was a hundred percent sure that he wasn’t sleeping with her. It took a while for me to believe that he hadn’t been all along, but that’s another story.
He wasn’t allowed to sleep in the same bed as her, and he couldn’t do shit for her that he wasn’t doing for me. So, for the last eleven years, nobody was having sex. I still wasn’t ready and still had a lot of work to do on myself, but really, my whole focus was on my daughter, who was still at home, the last of the litter.
My plan, and his, was to wait until Alyssa’s life had been squared away to deal with our own shit. I know it sounds bonkers now, but it is what it is. I wanted to make Corbin pay for cheating on me; that’s the deal with the no-sex thing, and I wanted Helen to live in the hell of her husband not wanting her.
The bitch had no problem doing that shit to me. Now, both our daughters were grown, and mine was now married, so it was time to get the ball rolling, and that brings me to now. I didn’t expect this weekend to go the way it did.
For one, Helen was supposed to be here, but she didn’t show up for whatever reason. In the last eleven years, Corbin and I had been on vacation together which no one knows about. He’d be away on business and I would meet him wherever when I felt like it.
We stayed in the same bed, but I never let him touch me, which he didn’t want to anyway because those pills worked like a charm; but for me, it was knowing that I was taking something from the woman who had scarred me that mattered more than anything. Twisted, I know, but this is me.
Everything she got from him she had to beg and threaten to get, and ten minutes after she got whatever it was, I got the same or the equivalent because her taste is shit. I had access to all his personal shit and things she didn’t even know about.
He's been paying me alimony all this time because I had no interest in getting married to anyone else. Part of the reason I never so much as dated was because I never wanted my kids’ affection to be split. That, and the fact that I knew how much it grated Helen that she wasn’t invited into my in-law’s space and I still was.
She was never accepted by anyone in our family, and to this day, it drives her crazy. It used to eat her alive when Corbin would have to be in attendance with the kids and me and she wasn’t allowed. She’d fought for years to change that but I didn’t budge, and neither did his family and mine.
She’s been an outsider in her own family for the past fifteen years at my behest because I could’ve put an end to it at any time, but why would I? Corbin was well aware that he was making them both pay for betraying me. I had an ax to grind and it took me fifteen years to get my satisfaction.
Well, the first four years don’t count because I was still in my head back then, but the last eleven, I have been actively punishing him and her for their shit. But now, with menopause behind me and all the crazy out of my system, I’ve decided that I am ready for a new chapter in my life.
That’s where we are right now, and that is the reason for me laughing to myself this morning as I take a bath in my ex-husband’s hotel room while he sees about breakfast.
You see, I just got a call from one of their neighbors that Helen seems to have lost her mind. She’s been screaming and running around her house, according to the neighbor, and no one has seen her in days.
This neighbor was on high alert because she and her husband had been asked to watch the house this weekend because everyone was supposed to be here, so she was shocked when she saw lights on in the house. When she rang the doorbell, Helen had screamed at her to get the fuck away from her house without even opening the door, and that’s why she started paying close attention from her place across the street.
She could see the movement through the windows and didn’t know what the hell was going on, so she took a video on her phone and sent it to us. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but Helen has been running around waving her arms and screaming before retching all over the place.
Now Corbin is convinced she’s nuts and wants to give the video to the divorce attorney he plans to meet with when we get back home first thing. Maybe this will make things easier because my libido after menopause is like a teenager in heat, and I don’t know how much longer I can wait. Twenty years is a long time to go without dick.
CORBIN
My life is a soap opera, and I’m the producer, director, and orchestrator of it all. I have no one to blame but myself, but I’ve spent the last fifteen years of my life trying to make up for it. I didn’t know when I stepped out on my marriage that my life would be derailed to such an extent.
The guilt and hate I felt for myself after the dust settled has only just begun to go away, but I doubt it will ever be completely gone. Each day, I have to live with the fact that I failed at the one thing at which I should’ve excelled, my family.
