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ALYSSA
You know, life certainly is funny sometimes. This story is going to take you places you’ve never been, so buckle up, cupcakes, let’s go for a joy ride. Let me tell you about the year I lost my ever-loving shit on hearth and home and gave my little town a story to last for decades. That shit is still being told, and I’ve been damn near normal since then, but whatever. Haters gonna hate.
Now, this all started when I had to leave town on a business trip that was supposed to last four days. It was one of the biggest deals of my career thus far, and at twenty-three, it was a big deal because I was the youngest in my division, fresh off the campus lawn.
I know the only reason those good ole boys sent me was because I’m pretty as shit with a body to go with the face that was blessed by whoever threw me together. Big-up to the big guy upstairs. Oh, before we go any further, I’m just a tad bit full of myself, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t earn that shit.
I aced everything I ever did, don’t know how or why. I’m that kid you love to hate. Never cracked a book until the night before finals and still walk away with an A-Plus. People hated me, but little did they know I lived off of their tears. Sweet!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t one of those stuck-up debutant types, no ma’am. I liked to roll in the mud with the best of them. That’s probably because I grew up with four older brothers who thought I was one of them until I hit puberty. Then they lost their ever-loving minds and started treating me like spun glass. Meh!
Anyway, I was confident in my own skin and wasn’t too stuck on getting anyone’s approval, and it showed. I think Mom’s nineteen-eighties music, which was the equivalent of Beethoven to yours, truly helped promulgate my sense of myself. Her favorite song to clean the house to was Nobody’s gonna break my stride, Nobody’s gonna slow me down.
I used to follow her around with my little toy vacuum shaking my butt along with her and singing my own version, and I think it stuck. But I digress. Anyway, they sent me off to San Francisco from my little town in the deeeeeep South to hobnob with the executives they were trying to schmooze.
I’ll be honest; Garrett, the owner of the company, who I wasn’t aware was the actual owner, was hot as anything on a Hollywood lot, and he probably took one look at me and thought with my southern twang and pinup doll curves and straight blonde hair that I was as dumb as every blonde joke he'd ever heard. I had that sucker eating out of my hand in five minutes because I ain’t no slouch.
Anyway, I was sitting in my chair at the meeting, all but quivering like a wet dog in snow. When he signed on the dotted line and shook my hand, I held my breath, thinking that this couldn’t be real. Instead of the four days it should’ve taken, it only took two.
Not only that, I knew I had the thirty-percent pay raise in the bag. I’m going to be making bank. I felt the little tingle down my spine when we shook hands again and kept my legs clamped tightly together because I was not a slut. One, it’s bad for business, and two, my college boyfriend was at home waiting for me.
I said my goodbyes, only then realizing that he was the owner of the company and not the executive I’d been expecting whatever. I called my boss as soon as I got into the Uber, and we had our own little celebration on the phone.
I started to call my fiancé but changed my mind at the last minute, choosing instead to surprise him. It was still early in the day their time, and since the company always buys me an open-ended ticket when I travel, I called up the airline to see if I could bump up my flight time, which was a big fat yes.
The flight was going to take roughly six and a half hours, which would get me home after leaving the airport just in time for dinner. I was good enough to call ahead to Denny’s favorite restaurant to order dinner to be picked up and spent the rest of my time at the airport and in the air, enjoying my success.
Everything went well, and I picked up my little leased Miata from the airport parking and made my stop to pick up dinner before heading home, all but vibrating with excitement. This deal, along with my raise and end-of-year bonus, is going to mean mid-six figures for me, something I thought it would take years for me to achieve.
I turned onto my street and almost passed my driveway because there was an extra car in my driveway. I reversed, and sure enough, it was my rental with Denny. The car looked a bit familiar, and I figured it was one of his friends, probably gaming now that the old ball and chain wasn’t around to make them keep their feet off my furniture.
I opened the door quietly, already feeling the excitement of not only being back days early but frothing at the mouth to tell him my news. The first thing I noticed was that the light was off in the room he’d turned into his game room, and then the sounds reached my ears, and my heart sank.
I slipped off my shoes and walked over to the dining table, where I placed the bag with our dinner. I separated the two meals, steak for me lobster for him. I took my time opening my containers and sniffing my food which is a horrible habit, but so is a dog licking its balls in public, and nobody ever says anything to their fur babies for doing that shit so they can get bent.
I closed my eyes at the first taste, then decided I needed a nice full-body red to go with it. I went to my wine closet and chose a Bordeaux, then snagged a goblet and a wine key before making my way back to the table.
I had lost track of time, which meant they must’ve fallen asleep because Denny is, and will always be, a one-minute man. He came out of the room buck-ass naked and in full yawn, scratching his gut and sniffing the air like a hound dog in heat.
His yawn was cut short when he saw me sitting there cutting into my steak as if I had all the time in the world. I said nothing. Hot Crotch Nettie came out behind him, equally as naked, and stopped short after running into the back of him. She looked like Bambi after she got shot or ran over or whatever the hell happened to that poor fawn. I wouldn’t know; I never saw the shit. I hunt deer. I don’t wanna see that shit.
I don’t know why the two of them were just standing there while I covered my meal with the container covers and finished my wine, but they both jumped when I got to my feet and walked toward them.
I didn’t stop, just kept walking past them into the bedroom. That damn blasted mattress was hard as hell for my five-foot-three ass to drag off the bed. I think I was more upset about the fact that I was going to have to shell out another few grand to replace my pillow top than I was about the two hemorrhoids in my way.
I fought that monster out of the room, not sure where I got the added strength and moved past them and out the backdoor, which I had to wrestle open. I dropped the mattress in the middle of the backyard and went back inside for the fire starter that I use to light the outdoor firepit in the winter and fall.
The two statues were still there; I think they were in shock. That bitch wouldn’t light for shit, so I headed back inside and got a big old butcher knife. That’s when I heard feet running. I hacked the mattress to pieces, stuffed some leaves and twigs in the holes, and lit it. “Now that’s a fire.”
I got the garden hose and wet around the burning bed so as not to catch the damn house on fire, then stood around and waited until the bed was good and gone. I put out the embers and headed inside to get my phone. The two lovebirds were gone.
I called my three brothers on conference. “Alyssa, how did it go?”
“I got the account; I came home early and found Denny and Lacey in my bed.”
“Which Lacey? Your best friend’s sister.”
“That would be the one.”
