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“Nothing.” I shut the phone off and put it back on the nightstand. I feel guilty for looking Bran up while lying in bed next to Zach. In the same respect, I didn’t do anything wrong.
My eyes refuse to close, sleep completely evading me, and my brain refuses to shut down for the night. I have all these scenarios in my head of what would happen to me in the eventuality of a divorce. I need to be prepared, brace myself for anything.
“I love you, Zach,” I whisper into the dark room, but he doesn’t say anything back. He is sleeping again.
I try not to be disappointed. This is not the first time since we’ve gotten back together that I told Zach I still loved him. I have yet to hear the same words back from him.
Sadness envelopes me, and I welcome the feeling. It’s like an old friend that visits once in a while. You are happy when it’s gone, but you are not disappointed when it makes an appearance.
It’s just there, reminding you that you are still alive.
It’s comforting.
CHAPTER 34
Three months later
Hunter
Today is our six-month wedding anniversary. Not that we had an actual wedding, but still. That night when me and Zach got married in a rushed ceremony in Las Vegas will always be one of the best nights of my life in spite of my being drunk as hell at the time.
Things between us are strained but neither one of us is saying anything about it. After Zach went ballistic on me over me having gone out with Bran, which I still don’t understand how it came about, he didn’t touch me for a whole week.
The month after that, he was back to normal, fucking me every night without fail and ignoring me during the day hours. But we’ve been mostly in New York which feels more like home than my hometown.
My phone rings and I look at the screen only to see that it’s my mom. Things have been better between us lately, and I can’t even explain why. I just let go of all the anger and resentment I felt toward her, and she was right there, waiting for me with open arms.
“Hi, Mom,” I smile when I answer. Feels weird in a way to be happy that she’s calling.
“Baby girl,” she greets me happily. “Have you been talking to your brother lately?”
“Not really, why?” Her question throws me off.
“He’s been acting sketchy.” Mom is like a detective on the case when she smells that something’s afoot.
“Maybe Brooke is pregnant again,” I muse. I wouldn’t put it past my brother to have gotten Brooke pregnant again already even though Levi is not even one yet.
“Oh my goodness, you may be right,” she gushes. She goes on and on about babies and how good of a mom Brooke makes, how grateful she is for Ridge having her. That’s why it throws me off when she turns her attention on me. “When are you going to have one?”
“One what?”
“A baby,” Mom exclaims like it’s a no brainer, making my stomach clench in distress.
“Uh, that’s a long story, Mom.”
“Hunter,” she chastises me. “You would be the best mom. Look how good you are with Levi, and with Emmy when you see her.”
She goes on and on about it until I can’t take it anymore, so I just blurt out, “I can’t have any.”
There’s dead silence on the line, with both of us scared to say more.
“Tell me, baby,” Mom finally gets enough courage to ask.
“Seven years ago,” I start, and she gasps. She must have a feeling where I’m going with this. “I was pregnant. And I lost the baby.”
“Hunter,” and now she is crying. Few months ago, it would’ve made me happy to hear her suffer a little. Now though, it’s bringing me no satisfaction. I am finally thinking things clearly and am able to compartmentalize them. Me hiding Zach from my parents that summer only led my mom to believe that it had been a fling. She regrets it now but that’s all she had to work with at the time. I get it now.
“I also got some bacterial infection somehow a few years later,” I continue explaining in a monotone voice. “They said this might happen. And trust me,” I snort laugh, “it’s not like we haven’t done anything.”
