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Tears began to burn the corners of my eyes, and I blinked them back. "I'm just so scared. I'm worried that I could lose myself and everything I've ever known, and then lose him in the end when he decides to abandon Blue Harbor and go back to his California life."
"Oh, Ty." Theo pulled me into a hug. "You won't lose yourself. If anything, you're going to find an entirely new part of yourself that you never knew existed, and it will be great. As for everybody else? Those who truly love and support you, which, by the way, I think is almost the entire town, will stand by you through all of it. Anybody beyond that? They don't matter… at all."
I clung tightly to Theo, my shoulders shaking, and then the dam broke. The tears I'd been fighting spilled down my cheeks. "I'm a fucking mess, Theo. I'm never like this. Have you ever known me to be anything but calm and confident? It feels like my entire body is coming apart at the seams."
He raised an eyebrow. "Eh, earlier this spring before the state championship, you were quite the bundle of nerves."
"Okay, that doesn't count."
Theo wrapped a hand around the back of my neck and held my face against his shoulder while he rubbed my back with the other hand. "It's fine to be a mess sometimes. If we're honest with ourselves, it happens to all of us. Love can really do a number on us. It cracks us open, makes us vulnerable, and is scary as hell. But… I want you to know that it ultimately makes you stronger and makes you feel more alive than you've ever been before."
We stood there for several minutes with my tears soaking into Theo's shirt while he whispered words of comfort and encouragement. Finally, I pulled back and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
I had other worries weighing heavily on my mind. I thought it might be absurd, but it was there anyway. I took a shaky breath and looked Theo in the eye, trying to muster the courage to voice my concern.
"Theo, can I… is it okay to ask you something else? This is a little more personal."
"More personal than love?" Theo's brow furrowed. "Of course, you can. You can talk with me about anything."
I bit my lip, and my cheeks began to flush. "This is about Ronan, too, and it's about… well, it's about being together. Intimately. In bed."
Theo instantly understood. It was written across his face, and he offered a reassuring smile. "Oh, yeah, that's normal. We all have nerves about that when it's new. I suspect it might seem even more daunting when your changing paths."
I reached up and ran my hand over my buzzed hair while I tried to find the right words to talk about the specific worries. "I've always been good at the physical stuff—sports, dancing, even sex. That would be sex with women. But Ronan's different. He's a guy. I'm worried I won't know what to do, or how to do it without being clumsy and awkward."
"We're all like that."
I raised my voice in frustration. "Damn, I don't know. What if I'm not good at it? What if he's disappointed?"
Theo took my hand and led me back to the alcove. "Tyler, listen. I'm not trying to minimize your specific experience, but believe me, everyone feels that way at first. Those nerves are part of the excitement and your arousal. The most important part is communication and trust. If you're worried, talk to Ronan. Be open about what scares you and what you want. I'm confident you'll sort it out together."
I sat with Theo on the couch, and he started to make a fresh pot of coffee. Some of the tension in my shoulders dissipated, but I still had flickers of doubt. "What if… what if I'm just bad at it? I'm sure some people are. What if it's so different with a man that I can't figure it out?"
As he turned his attention back to me, Theo's expression was serious. "Ty, sex isn't a sport or a game. Between two people who really care about each other, it's not about the performance. It's about that connection and the intimacy of bringing each other pleasure. Damn, every time I really think about it now, I get a little hot thinking about Rafe. That's where you want to be. Focus on doing things that make Ronan and you feel good. You'll figure those out pretty quickly."
I nodded and let his words sink in. "You make it sound so easy."
"Well, I guess it can be in a way if you let it be. It's a two-way street and you work it out between the two of you. All the specifics will fall into place with time and practice. Trust me on that."
I laughed. "Practice? I guess I understand that concept."
Theo grinned and waggled his eyebrows. "I bet you'll really enjoy those practice sessions."
He poured us fresh mugs of coffee and had a faraway look in his eyes. "My first time with Dawson wasn't exactly a scene out of a romance novel. At the time we were mortified, but it was pretty hysterically funny when I think about it now."
"Funny? You and Dawson? I always assumed the two of you were just scorching hot. Can you share?"
Theo laughed. "Of course, I can. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. We were both so nervous and fumbled around like teenagers. We'd built it up so much in our minds that we wanted it to be perfect. He was a baseball player like you, of course, and I know he had that performance demon in his head."
I sighed. "Damn, he was great. Still miss him so much."
"Both of us do." Theo paused, and his eyes sparkled when he continued the story. "So, there we were, making out on his bed. The clothes started to fly in every direction. We were so into each other that we didn't realize how close we were to the edge of the mattress. At that moment when the world seemed to stop turning, Dawson rolled over, and he tumbled right off the bed, taking me with him. We landed with a massive thump, arms and legs tangled in a heap."
I had to laugh as I imagined the scene. "Wow? Were you both okay?"
Theo grinned. "We were perfectly fine. Maybe our egos were a little bruised, but there was nothing that wouldn't heal. We lay there for a few minutes in shock, staring at each other. Finally, Dawson started to laugh. I couldn't stop myself and joined in. It turned into full tears-streaming-down-our faces laugh fest.
A gentle smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. "So, what happened next?"
