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“She’s going hog-wild,” Marco adds. “No expense is too high.”
“I think she’s making up for the fact that we got secretly married,” Cora says.
“Well, I’m not stopping her,” I say.
Marco chuckles, gliding his broad hands down to my lower back. “I can’t wait to see what kind of event our mother-in-law and your brothers put together.”
Chapter 31
October 6th
Rafael
Iplayed like shit 1yesterday. I was either yelling at my teammates for miniscule mistakes or my head was in the clouds and I should have been yelled at. I missed tackles, my passes were sluggish, so coach pulled me before the first half even ended. I don’t blame him. My head wasn’t in the game because all I could think about was how my best friend loved me, then walked away and cut me off. Anxiety has been crawling its way through every inch of my body and soul since then.
As soon as she left Friday night with Jared, I stood there dumbfounded in my living room for a long time. How long has she loved me? Part of me wanted to say it back. A part that’s been growing more and more comfortable with the deeper level of intimacy between us since our arrangement started.
All I wanted was for her to talk to me, but I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting the reason she was making herself scarce was because she wanted to end what we have. Logically, I knew we were going to end, but I thought I still had a few months, and I was going to do my best to prolong that as much as possible.
Now here I am, wallowing in my bedroom with Razz like I just got broken up with even though we were never… We were never…
I can’t even say it.
My body is sore from my rugby game yesterday, but it’s nothing compared to the ache in my heart.
Her confession threw me off kilter and now parts of my conscience are fighting for the spotlight.
She loves you too, my younger self squeals. Is it just my younger self? I mean, I do love her. I love her more than the average friend without a doubt. When I lived in DC, being away from her for weeks at a time became a normal ache—one that was soothed when we visited each other. But living together again has been everything I wanted. So what the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I in so much turmoil over this?
She chose Jared over you, I sneer at myself. Again. I know we said this was open, but it doesn’t hurt any less reminding myself. She probably blew his fucking mind in bed. I wonder if she asked him to role play? I wonder if she was comfortable enough to ask for something kinky and depraved. The thought crushes me like an avalanche. I’m that for her. She told me she’s never been able to trust a partner enough to ask for this stuff, and I took that as an ego boost. I nestled that little fact into my chest for safe-keeping.
God forbid, but if they did sleep together, I hope it was vanilla. What am I saying? I hope it was terrible or better yet, I hope it didn’t happen at all. I hope he repulsed her.
You’re going to lose her, I chide myself. She said she couldn’t be affectionate with me anymore. What would we even look like without that? To what level does she want to back off? She’s my solace, my comfort. I can’t imagine our relationship without affection. Who else would I have this with?
There’s Cora, and while she and I are close, we’re not nearly as affectionate. I think about what our friendship would look like if we were as intimate, but I immediately think of her husbands and I don’t think they’d be happy with me if she and I had that same level of familiarity.
Angie’s words ring in my head again. You can’t keep pretending I’m your wife just because you can’t let anyone else in. Is she right? Have I been treating her like a wife? An image of my moms plays in my mind like an old-timey film. The way they support each other, the way they touch even when one of them is passing behind the other in the kitchen. The way they laugh with each other and the way they would do anything for the other.
Maybe Angie is right.
But I don’t want a spouse, I remind myself. Why would I treat her like a wife if being a bachelor is all I’ve ever wanted? Relationships are work, and while I work hard, they’re not a stress I should be adding to my life. I have enough on my plate. Adding more might mean I’ll lose focus on everything else, and I can’t afford to slip.
I’m not enough for her.I’m not enough for anyone.
The battle in my brain comes to a halt when I see my father’s incoming call. Since Friday night, I’ve been ignoring every phone call and text if it wasn’t from Angie. But a phone call from Papá is rare so I take the opportunity and clear my throat before answering.
“Hey,” I smile.
“Mijo,” Papá bellows in that raspy Texas baritone I miss. “How are you?”
“I’m doing great,” I lie. “How are you?”
“Pretty good for an old man,” he chuckles. “Those babies come yet?”
“No. We’ll be sure to tell you as soon as they do.” God, just saying we has me missing her again. “Why? Have you booked your flight for when the babies come?” I think about him holding the twins and my heart soars. What a sight that will be.
“What? Oh,” he chuffs. “No, uh, not yet. But hey listen. I got a couple of tickets to the Texas Rangers verses Phillies for next week.”
